Be mean at me, pinch me, yell at me and make me learn some kind of millenarian method to force myself to work and beat the shit out of my lazy self.
That's pretty much the idea I have when I come back to the Art Discussion section to post one of these.
But yeah, it's surreal.
And it feels like I am wasting your and my time. Right now I could be writing the synopsis of an idea I had last week or draw any of the things I have in my mind right now.
I realize that most of the time the only person preventing me from being my own publisher is myself. And I become discouraged from sorting out that obstacle too easy.
I don't have the material I need. I buy it, but I've got no time for art at all.
I schedule some time by taking out TV, I am too tired to start.
I sleep enough, but then I'd rather do anything else than staring.
When I finally start, I see that I haven't drawn in two weeks and that all my drawings are shit.
I could come up with the cheapest excuse against drawing. And I could know they are excuses but go on with them. I could know how to deal with them but still do nothing.
And it doesn't make sense.
I know the problem. I know the solution. And fuck, this applies not only to art, but to everything else in my life as well.
And there's something pulling me back, it's always been there. Whenever I have found a way to deal with it I am the freest man in the world. I can remember loving drawing back in summer, and drawing every single day; and I didn't draw any better back then -rather the opposite. Then the holiday was gone and I feel I have a duty towards drawing more than a passion. Even though I'd love to, I don't want to draw anymore.
The solution to all this bullshit is working. I know it's working.
And a good kick in the ass would be ideal to get my hands back to holding the pencil and doing something; but I don't want to come here every six days whenever I'm on a dry period.
And you don't need someone whining every six days.
I am really disappointed with myself for the frequency at which I have to come here saying "this will do" as of late, and the little amount of work I get done in spite of all the helpful feedback and reading "Art and Fear".
I just don't have a clue about how to push myself to get things done. I don't need a kick, I need to learn how to kick myself.