by izi Adapted from How to Kill the Design Community, by Louis Lazaris
PART I CHOOSING AN ART FORUM NAME
DO NOT USE YOUR REAL NAME. Tell them nothing about yourself as an artist. Strangers are dangerous!!!!
But make them laugh each time you post with a jokey-name that follows you every time through your 2,000 posts.
It will never get old.
Bonus points if it’s NSFW.
PART II CHOOSING AN AVATAR
Make sure you choose something that has nothing to do with your art or even the art world in general. Get something eyecatching like a hot chick (especially if you are a heterosexual male)
Real Concept Artists are Heterosexual Men Who Cannot Resist Reading Posts Graced with this Avatar
If you arn't that bold, just choose find some poor anthropomorphized animal to promote you in a completely non-boring and non-derivative way, like a hamster lifting weights wearing pink lingerie.
PART III DRAWING STUFF AND POSTING FOR CRITIQUES
Decide what to draw. Make sure it is very trendy and shallow, or derivative, like an elf or anthropomorphized fruit art.
Make sure you don't finish your work to any sort of polished level. Just whip some crap up and get that up as soon as possible. Don't bother checking out all of the great free tutorials related to your subject, because getting as many live people to stare at your asshole at all stages of the drawing is very important.
Make sure you add speech bubbles anywhere it seems necessary, using quirky and nonsensical captions to express your secret sexual frustration and neurotic impulses, and most importantly, to distract from the drawing itself. +1 if you make fruit still life talk or fart!
Also draw random objects on margins of the drawing, to distract people even further. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!
Threaten people with Homeland Security if they even THINK about ripping off your work. Better, post giant watermarks on your work accompanied by a huge tawdry story about how your art was being sold in a street market in Ireland by rabble.
PART IV POSTING THE FINAL
Now the time has come to really show off. You have worked hard. Post your drawing in the Finally Finished folder. ALSO ADD LOTS OF EXCUSES as to why you couldn't fix this or that problem, anticipating the reaction from the crowd. Alternately, make self-effacing comments that sound like you're on the verge of suicide. That will make the criticism stop.
Them: "Hey I think it looks a little flat you should shade under his chin more"
You: "He's a vampire so he's supposed to be all white. also my dog died yesterday :::sadface:::"
PART V POSTING REPLIES
Now that you are a season professional you should spread the love.
Randomly clicking on threads in the Sketchbook forum or people you find in the lounge, post one-liners in response, such as any of the following vacuous comments:
"Great work keep working on the anatomy"
"wow your art is so cool"
"I LOVE these. I inexplicably cannot explain why!"
DO NOT POST ANYTHING USEFUL.
DO NOT CRITICIZE THE WORK IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY.
If you for any reason happen upon a sketchbook that has never been replied to, make sure everyone knows it forever by stating the obvious "FIRST REPLY HUR HUR HUR" If you find this amusing just keep reloading the Sketchbook area and pounce on newcomers. It kills time.
Reading is for the Technologically Illiterate
Don't bother reading anything that said or spending time looking at what they actually drew. Most importantly, DONT ADD ANYTHING ELSE THAT IS USEFUL.
If you feel the need to sound more important, and create an image of being very knowledgeable, make use of lots of platitudes accompanied by quotes from smart people and benign, neutral stories.
Examples of Unsafe Content:
“If a complete rework is possible, listen to this; Gestalt is a principle that means 'unification of visual elements, so that the many become one' basically it means how everything comes together and reads as a single element, even though there may be text and all sorts of visuals." - WAY TOO COMPLICATED
"I don't really like Disney style art but I like your version of Princess Jasmine wearing a bikini" (DO NOT CRITICIZE DISNEY OR ANY OTHER CORPORATION, EVER. YOU WILL DIE AS A FILTHY STARVING ARTIST.)
Examples of Safe Content:
"Wow great art. Nice to see you posting keep it up!" (it's sooo important to stay postive)
"Cool idea I love rabbits/zombies/penises. Hey check out my sketchbook sometime!" (great promotional oppurtunity nabbed!)
Posting anything detailed, informative or controversial will lead to more social dialogue which wastes time and energy. Avoid any kind of confrontation which leads to the person asking questions or wanting more insight.
If someone really needs to work on something like hands or pectoral muscles, just say something vague like "Hey work on your anatomy some more" and leave it at that. Don't ever come back to the thread because they might catch you ignoring them.
PART VI FINDING THE INSPIRATION
Now you are a truly multi-platinum artist, your sketchbook is 50 pages long and filled with the fruits of your ass. You have recieved a commission to do a work. (Really just the DSG topic but you will tell people you were commissioned)
You need inspiration. Where should you go? You shouldn't surf Conceptart.org for ideas, all of your homies hang out here. Instead, go to DeviantArt and find some really cool art people are jacking off too. Never go outside or get inspiration from nature or invite nude models into your home. (Gross!) That is what the internet was invented for - PORN! Always copy your anatomy from supermodels or other hot people otherwise your art might end up looking less sexually attractive and like regular people. EW!