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Thread: The cheer me up thread
July 16th, 2012 #11371
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July 16th, 2012 #11372
July 18th, 2012 #11373
The Following User Says Thank You to Psychotime For This Useful Post:
July 18th, 2012 #11374
July 18th, 2012 #11375
A short new Gurney process video. Blog post here.
And then God said, "Let us make man in our likeness and our image. Let us make him ridiculously hard to draw so that poor artists everywhere will have to spend 10,000+ hours failing repeatedly before they can begin to capture the form and likeness onto a two-dimensional surface." And there was man. And it was good. And artists everywhere lost their minds.
July 18th, 2012 #11376
July 18th, 2012 #11377
Last edited by biglu; July 31st, 2012 at 10:31 AM.
July 18th, 2012 #11378
Ok, I feel this is the best thing the Nostalgia Critic have ever made, I can't stop laughing from it when watching it every single time the last 24 times.
July 18th, 2012 #11379Registered User
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July 19th, 2012 #11380
July 20th, 2012 #11381
July 20th, 2012 #11382Registered User
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- Sep 2010
- NY, upstate
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July 21st, 2012 #11383
July 21st, 2012 #11384
Let me copy paste the jokes I have from my Bad Jokes Text File.
How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb?
3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to
spin the chair.
What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you?
Take the pin out and throw it back.
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are
amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to
the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on
the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X
The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
Michael Phelps could finish a race.
Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff.
Why is the steering wheel in a Mexican's car so small?
So they can drive it with handcuffs on.
Why do Mexicans drive Low-Riders?
So they can pick lettuce while driving.
If a Mexican and a black person are in a car, who's driving?
A police officer
Q: How do you make a woman scream during sex?
A: Fuck her in ass.
Q: How do you make her scream after sex?
A: Wipe your dick on her curtains.
Come to Poland! Your car's already here~!
Why are there so many shady, tree-lined streets in France?
The Germans don't like walking in the sun.
What's the difference between yogurt and America?
Yogurt has a culture.
(The answer everyone gives me) Yogurt comes in low-fat versions!
What's the difference between a Jewish person and a pizza?
The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
Q:How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That's alright, I'll just sit in the dark.
A Catholic Priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
Q:What's the difference between Jerry Sandusky and a pimple?
A: A pimple will wait until your 13 before coming on your face
Q:What's thick, white and comes in your burger?
A: A Burger King employee
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
what was the last message the Challenger send?
Now I will let the woman on the control
What do you call such a thing when you are selling vegetables? Fruit salad
What`s the difference between JEsus and Casanova? The faces they make when getting nailed.
What were the last words of Jesus Christ: More nails, I am starting to slip.
Dead baby jokes ahead.
Q: How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.
Q: What's worse than finding ten dead babies in one trashcan?
A: finding one dead baby in ten trashcans.
Q: What's the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?
A: I Don't have a Mercedes in my garage.
Q: How do you get a baby out of a blender?
A: With a straw.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a barn red?
A: Depends how hard you throw them.
Q: What's 12 inches long and makes women scream?
A: A dead baby.
Q: What's red, white and blue and goes around and around?
A: Smurfs in a blender.
Hitler is on vacation when his driver suddenly hits a pig. He says: "Go to the farmer and apologize, maybe if he knows you're my driver he won't demand too much money for compensation."
Five minutes later the driver comes back, loaded with ham and wine bottles. Hitler says "Jesus, how did you pull it off that he not only forgave you but you got so many gifts from him?"
The Driver answers: "Beat's me. I just wnet up to his house, knocked, and when he opened I said 'Hello, I'm Hitler's driver, I killed the pig."
Q: What do you call a dog with wings?
A: Linda McCarthy
What's the difference between a bar of soap and a jew? The bar of soap tends to last longer than one shower.
What do you do if you see 6 dead lawyers in front of you? Stop laughing and reload.
So I was riding a train in Thailand, and I saw this gorgeous woman, sitting across from me. I muttered to myself don't get an erection, don't get an erection, and then she did.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute usually stops fucking you after you're dead.
Hello, this is the mental asylum. If you're depressed, just hang up. We don't care about you. If you're paranoid, don't hang up. We're tracking your call right now. If you're dyslexic, push 13131313131313. If you're schizophrenic, listen and wait for the voices to tell you what to push. If you have amnesia, that'll be $564.89.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Six. One to screw in the bulb, one to watch out for aliens, one to haul the elephants across town, one to get the salami, one to hurl the cow across the field and one to ask the typewriter for answers.
I am a terrible person.
“Offending people is healthy. Every time you say something that’s offensive to another person, you just force them to think.”
— Louis C.K.
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The Following User Says Thank You to TheGreekDollmaker For This Useful Post:
July 21st, 2012 #11385
July 22nd, 2012 #11386
The Following User Says Thank You to velderia For This Useful Post:
July 23rd, 2012 #11387
You know, I'm not too big on ethnic jokes, and in general, I never understood the Stupid Polish stereotype. But, having been there, I have to say, putting crosswalks on their highways is not a good idea. It really doesn't help that they lower the speed limit from 120 to 70 km/h. Most drivers refuse to slow down, and even then, 70 km/h isn't a safe speed for pedestrians trying to cross the highway. If they hadn't built up their highways to cut through villages, it probably wouldn't be such an issue. My recommendation now is for them to erect foot bridges - at least a few.
It would be better than crosswalks on their freeways.
July 23rd, 2012 #11388
Last edited by biglu; August 1st, 2012 at 07:38 AM.
July 23rd, 2012 #11389
July 23rd, 2012 #11390
There are no crosswalks on the motorways in Poland. There can be on expressways however. It's basically quite useful to get familiar with the highway code of the country you plan to visit
TheGreekDollmaker: it's 'Pole' (plural: 'Poles') in english. 'Polak' (plural is 'Polacy') is a Polish word.
Last edited by aspenboy; July 23rd, 2012 at 04:34 PM.
The Following User Says Thank You to aspenboy For This Useful Post:
July 24th, 2012 #11391
July 24th, 2012 #11392
July 24th, 2012 #11393
A kiss in the photobooth
July 24th, 2012 #11394
July 24th, 2012 #11395
I found this on kickstarter and screencrapped. Don't know what to say about it.
July 25th, 2012 #11396
July 26th, 2012 #11397
A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
July 27th, 2012 #11398
Cats are officially cooler, now.
Explained in this article.
"While it isn't super normal, it's not unheard of for cats to bark," said Nicholas Dodman, a veterinary behaviorist and professor at the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University. "The arrangement of the cat's larynx, trachea and diaphragm is similar enough to a dog's that if they operate the machinery in the right way, it will produce a noise that's like a bark."
Barks, Dodman explained, result from a sudden rush of air through the air passage, and can be produced by an overly excited cat. "It's kind of a forced meow."
The cat may have learned to make the barking noise from a dog co-pet , or a doggy neighbor — perhaps the very animal at which the cat is barking in the video. "It could be that it's imitating or 'copy-catting' a sound that it hears often. It seems to see something out the window; whether it is barking in response to a dog, we don't know," Dodman told Life's Little Mysteries.
Last edited by Psychotime; July 27th, 2012 at 06:40 PM.
July 28th, 2012 #11399
July 28th, 2012 #11400
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