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  1. #1
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    Love/Hate rant...seeking for an advice.

    Hello friends.
    I know i shouldn`t bother you with my private life but if I won`t say something to someone i probably explode from inner pressure.
    Im also buggin you because no one of you guys know her etc. and you might be free of any prejudice in this case.

    Okey , last thuesday i was in a little rock-pub in my town , hanging out with old friends of mine and...her. I know said person over 3-4 y<ears now and we are somehow "best friends". So we all drank some beers , tried to get the DJ to throw in some metal (sadly this is a "rock-only" bar...meh...but we tried to growl some Beatles and Nirvana songs <_<...) and had lot of fun while doing some weird dancing , headbanging n stuff on the wannabe-dancefloor. Ok enough of that. So we were all a bit drunk aye ?

    As we went home I and her were getting quite personal. I damn the alcohol again. However. As we reached home we took the next steb in my bedroom and after waking up next morning i realised what ive done. She is my best friend and now i don`t know if i ever can look at her the same way as before. We talked alot about this subjkect that day and we are now stuck in some weirdo "best-friend-and-sex" relationship. the next day i took her home and know that I was alone i was obviously thinking about it. I don`t really know now what im feeling now...is it love ? That night can be considered as one of the best if not even the best one of my life right now. Or do i hate her for putting ourselfes in this situation ? do i hate myself ? Im not sure. I feel sick.

    We called a few times after that day and we bopth are acting like always , being the best friends etc. ,that was sickening me even more , tho` im not the guy that can easily talk about such things...I rather tend to bury such things inside me and get drunk.

    What makes it even worse is that she sadly has to cope with something thats similar to the borderline-syndrome (tho` not as worse as the syndrome...) and Im afraid that she would do something to her if i dont be very careful with our relationship.

    Anyone of the people in here that can say something of use ?

    Im feeling like shit.

    Thanks for reading...I love you peoples
    Quote Originally Posted by Ilaekae
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  3. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by corky13
    She is my best friend and now i don`t know if i ever can look at her the same way as before.
    You probably can't- doesn't mean things are better or worse now, just different.

    We talked alot about this subjkect that day and we are now stuck in some weirdo "best-friend-and-sex" relationship.
    Sounds like a typical relationship. They're all a bit weird in one way or another.

  4. #3
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    well,
    it all sounded GREAT until you mentioned the 'borderline personality disorder'.

    i could be all sentimental and say:
    "do what you heart tells you...blah, blah, blah".

    but the truth is, you will NEVER have a healthy LONG-TERM relationship with a 'borderline'.
    so accept that she's your friend, you had sex, and cut off the relationship thing NOW.
    5 years from now, when you've found a rational, sane woman who loves you (and your friend is still crying and attempting faux-suicides over some loser boyfriend), you'll be glad you did.
    Last edited by DSillustration; August 6th, 2006 at 01:33 PM.
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    i would say try to go for the relationship but i don't know what is borderline syndrome and google sent me to a bunch of books on amazon.

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    deja vu. about 8 years ago I was stuck in the same situation (its weird somehow - several details you wrote perfectly match my situation back then).

    you dont wanna destroy that friendship, but that "I rather tend to bury such things inside me and get drunk"- attitude will most likely do that. Confront her, talk with her about it and take the consequences like a man. there's no turning back anyhow.

    Chances are that you two come together. being best friends and having a relationship is about the best thing that can happen and even if the relationship doesnt work out, it doesnt necessarily mean that you two wont be friends afterwards.

    in any case you'll at least have clarity.

    as for the outcome of my situation 8 years ago: it propably was the best relationship I ever had. lasted about a year. when it was over things had changed, yes, but for the good. it added new facette to our friendship and a whole lotta trust in each other.

    lost contact with her after a few years though.. things change, people do too. she went away to become a lawyer, I went on with my life to start a freelancing carreer in the film industry. thats the way life is...

    no regrets though - just fine memories about one helluva good time...

    my 2 cents

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  7. #6
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    @DSIllustrations
    Well its not as worse as borderline syndrome itself and she is visiting a psychologist/therapeut (is that the correct word ? what Freud did i mean) for quite a long time now. Also her last relationship took several years before they split up (for good i may say...the dude behaved like a dork in the last months of her relationship)...but tho` you got a valid point.She can act very irrational from here to then and shes taking certain things way to serious.Maybe im worriing to much and i interpret to much in her behaviour...I have certain problems to...but maybe im worring not enough....thats why i feel so sick right now -______-

    Just phoned her (just for smalltalk) and she sounded so damn happy it almost drived me nuts...

    @ah.heng
    something aboutborderline personality disorder is best found at wikipedia

    @Virus Artist
    sadly it isn`t THAT easy...but thanks anyway...i try to lay off the booze and seek for a talk with her...
    Quote Originally Posted by Ilaekae
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  8. #7
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    Eh, why not build a relationship on a friendship? My husband and I (who've been married 5 years and fully together for NINE years) are best friends. I have depression and there are meds for it If you grow to love someone, you deal with their shit along the way, and it makes you both stronger and closer in the end. Everybody's a little fucked up, right? What's the difference whether a therapist slaps a name on it or not?

    You enjoy the friendship. You enjoy the sex. Where is the question in all of this? Start seeing each other and see where it takes you. Always go forward, and stop regretting a great time.

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    i'm curious why you feel so sick and disgusted by this. Do you actually LIKE her? Or just as a friend only that you accidently slept with? If it were the first, any guy would love to be in a relationship with a girl they are that close with and attaracted too at the same time. It would be a good thing... not a bad thing.

    If you feel so weirded out by it, then don't sleep with her anymore. Let her know you still want to be friends her despite what happened, but you don't want to be a in a relationship with her. That's all you can do. If she threatens to kill herself or kill you... or whatever, then you know she isn't the right person (which you probably shoulve have known since you known her for so long.

    get out of this relationsfhip now. it sounds really creepy. it has all the ingredients for a disaster.

  10. #9
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    I'm always hesitant to give any opinions to what basically amounts to strangers on this sort of thing, but Dan totally pegged it with

    well,
    it all sounded GREAT until you mentioned the 'borderline personality disorder'.
    Even if she's not all out borderliner and even if she's visiting a therapist, that's nothing but trouble down the road. Do you really want to be with somebody who's even going to hint suicide (or any sort of self mutilation, cutting herself and shit like that)? Trust me dude, ain't no fun.

    I don't know the degrees of borderline personality disorder (as I've known, it was always a yes or no type thing), but trust me, it's trouble you don't want.

    edit: also, I've had kinda vaguely similar exeprience so far as getting involved with a friend and finding out it wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do. You can take it back to the friendship level, just be honest with her about it. Time passes, things like this fade.
    Last edited by DavePalumbo; August 6th, 2006 at 03:06 PM.
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  11. #10
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    @magicgoo
    a light of hope for all of us you mean ?

    @ParkerD
    Im not disgusted...my english is just to bad to express what im feeling correctly. I have quite some problems with feelings especially in close relationship...once im in or out of it this problems usually fade and i can focus on what lies ahead. Thats why im feeling sick....

    @DavePalumbo
    Hmmm...as long as i know her she didn`t ever tried to commit a fake-suicide (and of course no real) or mutilate herself (tho` nobody can be 100% sure on that things)...maybe the words of "borderline syndrome" were far too strong in that case....(thats why magicgoo was able to cheer me up a tad) . And to be honest i DO love her ... im just some angsty weirdo 19year old who can`t work through his own emotions ...

    Maybe its just the responsibility that i would have to take in this relationship whats frigthening me...

    i meet her next weekend and i hope ive got my mind cleared until then to really know if i want to take this responsibility or not...Love is sometimes just not enough <_<... hope i didn`t f*/ked up my english this time
    Quote Originally Posted by Ilaekae
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  12. #11
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    Yeah, Corky. I'm the only positive thinker here, it looks like. But, to get all mushy, love it the most important thing in the world. You live for it, fight for it, and die for it. It's worth every bit of trouble in the end, because you become 1 with a soul and that's the most beautiful thing ever. So go for the relationship. Don't turn back now. You've enjoyed something wonderful together and don't blame it on alcohol. You guys are sober now and have fun with something that could be amazing.

    If it doesn't work out one day, whatever. That's life. You move on.

    OK, back to drawing hot chixxors...

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  13. #12
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    ok, tossing my two coppers in the pot.

    First, you're attracted to her i assume. You probably enjoyed the sex together (i hope, if not why bother) and you are already best friends. You realise all a good relationship is, is a best friend who you have sex with?

    Ok, no one is perfect. She has problems. You have problems too. So do i, so does everyone. Duh. The only thing for you to decide, is if her problems are too much for you to handle. If you have no problem supporting her through her hard times, then by all means, just enjoy the ride you are on! If not, then you need to take things back to how they were comfortable, which sounds like before the sex.

    And really, don't listen to people telling you "run away!" and so on. Thats not relative thinking, but idealism leaking out. What the hell would you do with a perfect girl anyhow? You're not perfect, so she'd dump your ass in a heartbeat. And no, stability comes in many forms, so you have to determin if this is right for you, if she matches you and not anyone who gives you advice.

    Currently, i'm head over heels for my best friend. It makes my current relationship a bit...uneasy. I can tell you right now, if i had an opportunity to be with her and not the girl i am currently dating, i would make the switch in a heartbeat. There is a reason this girl is my bestfriend, and not just one of many.

    Think it through man. If you want to stay close to her for a long while, figure out which way makes you happier, and lasts longer; being her friend or being her lover. Go with whatever works better for you. And don't forget, the fact she is your friend means she already passed with you on the personality checklist, and if the sex was good, you have some concrete groundwork for a good relationship.

    There is someone for everyone, you might be the right guy for her, or maybe not. You know the answer already...why are you asking us?
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  14. #13
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    @Blue
    cuz im retarded ...
    na really thank you for the positive input...and yeah you`re right with every word...whish me luck for the next weekend...i owe you a beer if we someday running over anmother at some Workshop or Con

    @magicgoo
    and thanks of course to you...

    sorry for bugging you all...just wanted it off my chest and im really feeling better right now
    Quote Originally Posted by Ilaekae
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    I may have misinterpretted what you wrote:

    and Im afraid that she would do something to her if i dont be very careful with our relationship.
    in any case, it's not the act of hurting herself, but being guided by the thought that she may hurt herself that I was warning against. I may have taken that sentence the completely wrong way though. I don't think self destructive behavior is even a borderline trait, but it can be used as means of manipulation. I know you said that borderline may be the wrong word and all, but just saying. No offence on anything I've said, I'm just sort of phobic myself of getting involved with crazy women

    keep your head, I hope whatever you choose works well for you
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  16. #15
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    No offence taken
    Quote Originally Posted by Ilaekae
    "Art is the physical result of your soul battling with your intellect to the death...with a sharp pencil..."
    THE AUSTRIAN SKETCHLORDS
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  17. #16
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    The only two cents I can add here would be about the issue of your girl's mental state, since I can't give you a right or wrong answer about your next step in the relationship.

    You're not the only positive thinker here Goo I believe that it is possible to have a working relationship with a person who has a psychological disorder like BPD (for the sake of argument, I don't mean BPD in particular but really the manipulative behaviors that DavePalumbo pointed out), but I think corky needs to realize what he could be getting into and work to understand why his s/o reacts the way they do.

    It can be a difficult and sometimes devastating to maintain a realtionship with somebody who has manipulative and extreme behaviors like BPD. As you said Goo, your husband has been very loving and understanding of you and you are taking responsibility for yourself by getting treatment, which is why you've had success imho. Maybe not as idealistic as "love conquers all", but obviously love is a huge factor in it.

    However, my mother has textbook BPD behaviors but she refused to take responsibility for herself, which has only worsened her mental state and has driven away her entire family. It took me years to make the distinction that some of her awful behaviors were worsened by this condition and not beause I was an awful person - but this can be a horrible trap that loved ones of folks with BPD often fall into, especially if they threaten suicide (or try to carry it out) because you've made them angry or feel insecure.

    I don't mean to scare you Corky, I really have no knowledge as to how much your girl is affected by whatever disorder she may or may not have; she could be of sound mind with a few minor freakouts for all I know. It's excellent that she's getting help - but be aware that this is a part of her for whatever reason and be patient and loving with her.

    Just take it a day at a time.

  18. #17
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    Hmm so do you want things to go further or not? (sorry I havent read all the posts here)

    Ill give you a little bit of advice, I am currently in a relationship and unfortunatley my girl friend suffers from depression and some form emotional skitzofrenia or somat like that.
    It can be tough at times and she can be snappy. You have to ask yourself are you ready for a big commitment like this and are you prepared for some difficulties im not saying its going to be hell and you know the person better than me. Would you rather just be good friends, no strings attatched and just be good friends forevermore without ever having to worry too much about the other?
    I can understand you about the suicide thing too...you sort of get the feeling youll be pinned in the relationship and wont be able to end it without someone getting hurt.

    Hope that gave you an insight.
    Last edited by Mr Man; August 6th, 2006 at 06:53 PM.
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    my guess is by the way she acts she wants it to remain a friendship.
    you could go directly and have a long chat about it,or remain silent and watch how it evolves.
    not very helpful i know,but my own experiences are too limited to give you real insight.
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  20. #19
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    I would think it'd be wise to take the married man's advice (DS), which sounds the best for you and your friend. If she's seeing a therapyst and all, you don't want to put her through more difficulties period. Try to keep being what you say you are, a friend, cause that's probably what she needs right now. Don't let physical feelings cloud your judgement and hurt what seems to be a long lasting friendship. If it took sex to make you consider love, it probably isn't.

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    Just write this to let ye know that we have chosen friendship.....

    now im having a depressive outbrake and the urge to get drunk but sadly there wasn`t enough beer around (meaning not a single one...)....wasn`t very funny that talk we had...me saying that I love her , she saying that she isn`t able to have certain feelings for a few months and its getting worser...me crying and saying i dont want to loose her and so on... and yeah i lied...she really is a borderline...i just lied to myself cause i couldnd stand the fact that it wont work out ever. Im very sorry guys. I didnt want to fool you. I feel like i`ve lost something really important in my life and it will take some time till i get back up on track. And i swear if i ever find that bastard that was the cause for her BPD i will hurt him...
    Well anyways i just want to say sorry again...you guys where right...there is no hope...
    Quote Originally Posted by Ilaekae
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  22. #21
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    hey man,hang in there. i don't know exactly how it feels,but i've had similar experiences. try to resist the urge,after a while it may end up being all that you wanna do,if anything. but if you give in to it,do it properly one evening,and then not again. instead try to focus on other things,as stupid as that sounds. just don't give in to depression.
    peace
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  23. #22
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    thanks man...hope im able to do so tho` i fear im not or not within the next few days...at least im out of any suicidal thoughts i had after travelling home from her place...though i feel like some invisible forces just found it fun to take our souls and ruin them both...first hers now mine...

    but maybe its a opportunity to make some changes...im thinking of new tats , haircolor and stuff....maybe if i change on the outside it will make it easier for me to cope with all of that <_<
    Quote Originally Posted by Ilaekae
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  24. #23
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    yeah,the first days after it's always hopeless to start something really new.
    for me it helped later to redecorate my room and throw out old stuff f.ex.
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  25. #24
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    I had an experiance where i fell in love with my best-friend. I took the leap and told her. It was not a fun conversation. It turns out she had been lying to me about so much stuff, that i was actualy in love with a lie and not her and worse she never really was my best friend.

    anyway... Its good that you talked to her about it. Regret is the worse thing in the world. Worse then what your feeling now. Live your life without regret, it will be so much better.

    A little addage to allways remember that helps me all the time is: "forget the past, live in the present, dream of the future". I personal have a crappy memory so its very easy for me to move on to new things and forget the past (blessing and a curse). Most people arent that way so i suggest distracting yourself with art when you feel your slipping into memories of it. Or Start planning for the future. Think about new people and places that you'll go. And all the fun you will have. Eventualy it will fade. Everything does.

    And lastly, I've seen so many people's lives ruined by alcohol. You have the power to get over it yourself. You just have to believe you can do it. You dont need alcohol or drugs. They are crutches. They are for the weak. Be strong and live on.

  26. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by corky13
    and yeah i lied...she really is a borderline...i just lied to myself cause i couldnd stand the fact that it wont work out ever.
    This is very mature of you to admit this to yourself.
    We try and fool ourselves sometimes--try and convince ourselves that the thing we are doing isn't really bad for us.
    It takes guts and courage to admit the truth.
    Think of all the people who aren't able to do this and try and go ahead with their plans anyway . . .

    Good for you, and I hope that after you go through your sadness you will feel peace.

    best,
    emily

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