a story.
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  1. #1
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    a story.

    sorry for the grammar,

    i was sitting in the subway on the train. where a young blonde with happy eyes sat right infront of me. she smiled at me. at first i stared back and looked if she was just thinking of something . but no she was smiling at me. i smiled back.
    then she blushed. i felt all warm inside and happy.
    i continued to read the newspaper i have picked up while waiting for the train. the news had something about a gruesum murder in it and some dicease spreading in some far away country. i glanced at where she sat. she looked like a string of light in the middle of all the gloomy dirt and darkness.
    she was talking on her mobile phone with some freind i suppose.
    next stop was mine.

    i went to the doors and waited patiently. then i could feel her smell. she was standing right next to me. she smiled again and did something with her curly blonde hair. i winked at her.

    the doors opened and it was raining. i used the newspaper as cover and hurried towards the stairs.
    she had an umbrella. a red umbrella.
    it was just her and me there. hope i didnt miss the buss. it was the last buss home. but right infront of the stairs she fell. she hold her ankle and she seemed to have some sort of pain. i ran towards her. i dropped the newspaper and sat next to her. middlepages opended when the newspaper hit
    the ground. it was some murder of some celebrity in some gruesome way. i looked back at her. she was wearing a white dress with red spots on. probably fashion or something. her body was tanned and her blonde hair was curly . and her eyes was blue and no trace of loosing sleep. she smiled at me and said something. i picked up a rock that was just near by. she looked at me still smiling . i smacked her in the head a couple of times , until she died.
    i brushed my self off and picked up the paper.

    i feelt good . i heard the bus coming above the stairs to its stop. hope i dont miss it.

    the rain washed alot of garbage and dirt on her and her white dress.

    i nodded silently for myself.



    -hope you enjoyed.

     

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    You know, it's probably a good thing I'm not a mod, cause I'd ban you for this. It's absolutely terrible writing, secondly, it encourages violence against women, and thirdly it really has nothing to do with art


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    But.. Writing is art!?

     

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    Quote Originally Posted by Oregano
    You know, it's probably a good thing I'm not a mod, cause I'd ban you for this. It's absolutely terrible writing, secondly, it encourages violence against women, and thirdly it really has nothing to do with art

    i strongly apologize for my lack of writing skills. and the grammar.

    but its interpreted in any way i think.

    and i do hope writing is some kind of art still, and this is lounge forum not a picture thread.

     

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    Oh man, I liked it up until she got beaten to death....wtf? the end ruins it, and Id have to agree with oregano.
    also, its not even that original, listen to "murder ballads" by Nick Cave....


     

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    Quote Originally Posted by talmir
    But.. Writing is art!?
    Yes, writing is an art and I have nothing against it - I'm married to a published writer.

    However, it is not the type of art that this forum is focused on and we do not have the resources to support it here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mort
    i strongly apologize for my lack of writing skills. and the grammar.

    but its interpreted in any way i think.

    and i do hope writing is some kind of art still, and this is lounge forum not a picture thread.
    I suggest that you take your writing and find a forum that would serve you better. Concept art really isn't that place.

    I have nothing against writing, for the above stated reasons. However, I would also suggest that if you are going to write, that you take the time to properly learn the skills instead of just throwing something out there in the hopes that someone gives you an asspat for it.

    In that writing is like visual arts, it is a skill and you need to learn how to properly handle your medium and also understand where it will be accepted, and what type of material will be accepted by whom.

    Posting a story here is akin to me posting a picture in a writing forum. It's art, but this is the wrong place for it. That's why we don't have a "writing" forum.


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    Besides the grammer, I thought it was a surreal story. You should definetely consider writing buddy.

    Oregano - It was just a story dude. Nothing big really.

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    11/30/03-11/30/05. Thanks CA, for all the great inspiration. When will I update? I dont know...
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    i think you should work on anatomy.

     

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    Anybody who's ever been in a high school/junior college creative writing class has heard this story 1000 times before. It's the writing equivalent of bad manga noob art.
    <Beavis and Buthead voice> "Dood, he like, killed her and shit. That's fucked up. Huh uhuh uhuh uhuh."


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    yea what the hell was i thinking?. and oregano it shouldnt be we dont have ,its a lounge forum. so anything goes right?
    you are giving hard constructive critisism for my story. and all i wanted was to write it. but thanks for the critique. we need more guys like you around to make the rules, its like art for left brainers.

    i strongly suggest you post a picture in a writing forum btw.

    it was just a story, and yea i heard that i wrote like nick cave by someone else. i gotto listen to that dude someday. he seems wierd.

    thanks for the answers of any kind. maybe i will learn how to write properly some day. could be fun.

    hope you enjoyed it anyways.

    a try to shock you guys would be a bungy jump without the rope.
    it was just something i needed to get off my chest, just like that guy that wrote about the hurricane rita.

     

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    i hope you took my comment as a joke

    my secondary hobby/passion/sometimes career is creative writing. i got 50/50 for my high school major work, and although i never pursued it since high school in an established course, I have maintained my writing here and there and have proofread and edited a lot of writing for guys concepts on this website.

    If youd like to talk to me about your creative writing, technical,imaginative, or whatever, your welcome to hit me up on msn. form_n_focus@hotmail.com. speak to ya if i speak to ya!

     

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    thanks alot man, i might take you up on that offer some day.

     

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    K, this forum needs to read up their dictionaries under sarcasm.

    Funny story, I was sorta like "DOUBLE_EW TEE EFF?" at first, but then I laughed. Then I saw Form's post and laughed again.

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    Elwell hit it on the nose with the Beavis and Butthead comment.

    Seriously, this is like soooo cliche of a story. If you wanna offend us, try harder. It might make the story the slightest bit more interesting.






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    Oh noes you got owned by Nick and Kylie!


    They call me The Wild Rose
    But my name is Elisa Day
    Why they call me it I do not know
    For my name is Elisa Day

    From the first day I saw her I knew she was the one
    As she stared in my eyes and smiled
    For her lips were the colour of the roses
    That grew down the river, all bloody and wild

    When he knocked on my door and entered the room
    My trembling subsided in his sure embrace
    He would be my first man, and with a careful hand
    He wiped at the tears that ran down my face

    [Chorus]

    On the second day I brought her a flower
    She was more beautiful than any woman I'd seen
    I said, "Do you know where the wild roses grow
    So sweet and scarlet and free?"

    On the second day he came with a single red rose
    He said: "Will you give me your loss and your sorrow?"
    I nodded my head, as I lay on the bed
    "If I show you the roses will you follow?"

    [Chorus]

    On the third day he took me to the river
    He showed me the roses and we kissed
    And the last thing I heard was a muttered word
    As he knelt above me with a rock in his fist

    On the last day I took her where the wild roses grow
    And she lay on the bank, the wind light as a thief
    As I kissed her goodbye, I said, "All beauty must die"
    And lent down and planted a rose between her teeth

    [Chorus]

    (thats a lovely song btw..)

     

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    You call that a story? You're missing the most important sentence - "..and then I wake up, it was all a dream."

     

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    yea he told the same story almost.or the other way around.
    wonder what he had in mind when he wrote that? hope it wasnt about killing women. good writer

    and as i stated i didnt want to offend you, i wanted to write a story and perhaps someone would read it. if i was going to offend you , i should had added that this was my masterpeice and you dont dare to critique this very well thought story of mine. i just came up with it and thought i might share it with a bunch of total strangers.

    not sure why i wrote it at all come to think of it. its like a doodle at work.

     

  18. #18
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    POST REMOVED - FORM

    This was an unecessary attack on the author of this thread, after he had already attempted to explain himself.

    This thread will now be closed.

    Last edited by Form; September 28th, 2005 at 02:08 AM.
     

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by JERI
    You're missing the most important sentence - "..and then I wake up, it was all a dream."
    That's how the Matrix should've ended.

    "Ted! Dude! Wake up man! You're having a nightmare!"

    "Whoa! Bill! I had the most bogus of dreams! There were these lawyer dudes! And these heinous robots! And this excellent leather babe!"

     

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