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  1. #1
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    How to handle a dying Dad: How to help out

    I have had the worst day in the world today, so I'm turning to my good friends here on CA for some help. As some of you know, my Dad is dying from pulmonary hypertension, a fatal illness. He's 44 years old. Today I had my Mom crying on my shoulder (the first time I've ever seen her cry) because her boss at her job refuses to allow her to take time off to care for my Dad. This had gone on until she took intermittent leave. Even under this leave, she is more than likely going to lose her job (too much work, this caring between handling a high-stress job and caring for Dad), at the end of which is a dropped insurance policy that covers my Dad, not to mention being the only one to provide for the house. So I am thinking of ways to help, or to get help. I think I'm going to start up a foundation of some sort to help with research. If anyone has any ideas, wants to help or donate, just drop me a line here. I can say I am honestly at my wits end over this matter. I'm 19 feeling 49, and need what assistance I can get.
    Last edited by klinesmoker; March 14th, 2005 at 08:14 PM.
    He who asks is a fool for five minutes,
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  3. #2
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    Kline, I don't know what else to say but, I'm sorry to hear this.


    I have no ideas so far, but if you do set up a foundation, let us here at CA. I don't have hundreds or thousands....but every few dollars helps.
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  4. #3
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    Man, that's awfull. I know what it's like to have someone in the family suffer from a potentially fatal illness and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My prayers go out to you and your family and I certainly wish you guys the best. I say start that foundation. Keep doing what your doing. Set up a paypal account and let people hear your story. If you like, I can help you put together a webpage. My html skills are pretty basic but I'd be happy to lend them. I'm sorry I can't think of more. It's just not right that your Mom's employer and insurance provider would turn their backs. Insurance companies love the part where you pay them but when the time comes for them to fullfill their end of the bargain they have to put up the biggest fight.

    All the best, man.

  5. #4
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    that, really sucks...i remember when my dad had a bad case of neumonia, i mean it was really bad for him...i think it's genetic...shit, i hope i don't get it... so yeah, i know how that feels. when my dad had that he was like on a thin line between life and death. in the hospital for a week, then came home and stayed for another week wiht an oxygen tank on wheels with him at all times. geez, it was scary. i just recently drew a drawing for this fundraiser thing to help research on colitis and crohn's disease, but the drawing was for his little girl who had crohn's disease. it's an IBD (inflammatory bowel disease) type of disease, so yeah i drew a picture for her of a fairy and she was only 6...felt kinda bad for her. so, i don't really know much abot getting a foundation started, since i'm still in highschool. hope you can manage and wish your dad to feel better.
    Do you know the muffinman?

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  6. #5
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    chris, i'm terribly sorry to hear this.

    i wish there was something i could do to help, but all i can offer you is an idea. maybe reach out to some of the professionals here on this site, try to get them to donate some artwork. sometimes it's easier to get artists to donate work than money. if you can get some great artwork from the pros, you could auction them off to raise some money to help.

    again, i wish i could do more.
    Hey dog. . . . did you see the size of that chicken?!

  7. #6
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    Chris, this sucks that things aren't going right for you. Let me know if there is anything I can help ya out with. The insurance company is getting scandalous and that's not even right. One suggestion that I can think of is start selling unused items on ebay, and also the fundraiser is a good idea, create the site with your story and make sure it's link to alot of places, and we'll try to spread the word. Take care bro and be strong, your mom needs you at this time, and your mom should sue her job if they let her go on the grounds of being a corporate pig and not caring for their workers. If they fire her, can she still claim unemployment?
    "If you only heard one side of the story, then you must be deaf in the other ear." - Sok N. Wett

    Sok's Sketchbook Thread Last Updated November 25

  8. #7
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    chris,

    i have a good friend in Laramie at the university down there. if you can get artwork together for a fundraising show, i'm pretty sure i can get him to help you find a gallery space. i know he used to help run the university's art gallery.

    pm me and let me know if you want me to contact him.

    -zack
    Hey dog. . . . did you see the size of that chicken?!

  9. #8
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    Hey Kline,

    First, I'm probably not going to be much help, but I'll see what I can do.

    Second, my thoughts are with you and your family. I lost my dad about 4 years ago (this month, actually).

    The fund raising idea is a good one. Another place to try is perhaps ebay - see about auctioning the artwork off, especially if it's from professionals. Contact Jason Manley or Davi to see if either of them have any ideas on who would be interested or how to approach them.

    Also, if you run with the fund raiser, be sure to see if you can advertise it on other boards as well, including craigslist.

    Don't forget about your local papers either. See if they can cut you some sort of deal. the paper that I work at usually will do what's refered to as a "happy-ad" (from "happy birthday ad" for a discount or for free, depending on the circumstance, but I don't want to make claims for other papers.

    Also, the ad reps at the paper may have some other ideas on what you can do as well. Usually they are fairly well connected people (they have to be) and might be able to if not help you organize, get some ideas of who in the community to approach.

    If you are going to be doing fund raising, you will want a separate account to keep track of funds raised, and any expenses incurred. Your bank will best be able to tell you what type. Get someone outside the family that you can trust to help you with this, because you will need direct support as well.

    This is just stuff that I can think of off the top of my head right now. If I can think of more, or come across something useful, I'll post it for you.

    Sincerely,
    ~Shane

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  10. #9
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    Can your mom get on COBRA if she loses her insurance?

    Is there some kind of support group that can help your mom out? I'm talking about a group for caregivers, family members of the ill, or a church group.

    These kinds of groups can share time, resources, and especially emotional support (good for your mom and good for you so you don't have to be her only emotional support).

    I'll be thinking of you,
    emily

  11. #10
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    damn man.... im on the verge of tears here.. as weird as that sounds... i dont know what you can do... there may be groups online for that illness. check with the hospital and church too. the donation set up sounds good. i dunno if id be able to donate seeing as that im on my own and no credit card to get paypal. sucks man.. i wish for the best of your family. im praying for ya here
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  12. #11
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    set up a paypal account and youll se that alot of warmth from the conceptart community.

  13. #12
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    its really unfortunate to hear about your situation. my dad also passed away a few years ago and i didnt handle it very well (i never uttered a single work for over a week and i cried until my eyes were swollen.). i think the auction idea is excellent and i feel you will get some support from our community. you can probably talk to one of the admins so when you setup a paypal account, everyone who sign in will get an initial query of whether they want to donate. i am sure people will. all i can say is stay strong for your mom and family, cuz there will be a point where you will take a bulk of the manly responsibilities.
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  14. #13
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    I'm sorry, man, that sucks. My father died of cancer when I was 14. We knew he had it for two years, steadily getting worse. It is total hell.

    I agree with what the other people said, and look into grants, you never know what's out there. Just be sure to spend as much time as possible with him, no matter how difficult it might be. You don't want to look back and regret that.

  15. #14
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    This is really sad Kline, it's the thing in the world i'm most scared of, losing someone I love. It's really bad that you face problems with money to add to the stress, I wish you the best of luck.

    By the way, what, if known, are the causes of PH and the main symptoms?

  16. #15
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    Chris, this is tragic... There's no other way to describe it.

    If you haven't gone here http://www.phassociation.org, it's packed with information, support, and potential help. It's also be a good reference for those who want to know more. To have the very breath stolen from your body...

    My thoughts and prayers are with your family and just let us know what you decide.


    ~Tim

  17. #16
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    I'm pretty sure that the Family Medical Leave Act prevents your mom's employer from firing her or dropping her medical benefits if that's the policy that covers your father. My understanding of it is that she may not draw any pay while she's out and she would have to catch up on her medical insurance contributions when she returns.

    Other possibility: can you file for a leave from school/work to take care of your dad while you mom works? FMLA would apply for you, too. If you're 19 you have lots of time to go back to school and/or continue your education on CA in the future.

    US Dept of Labor FMLA page
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  18. #17
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    Bwkeough is correct, the Family Medical Leave Act should allow your mother (or you) to take time to care for your father, and prevent her from being fired. She will have to keep up with the medical insurance costs. I've personally taken this for myself, and now my husband takes time through it to care for me. It can be a set amount of months, or just so many days a week extra... depending on what you and your doctor determine is needed. (Not sure where you live, but hopefully where you can make use of this)

    There will be paperwork to fill out, and his doctor willl also have to fill out some. The forms can be a bit frustrating in a time like this, especially with some of the idiotic things they want you to fill out. But once its done and turned in and approved, thats one less worry to be burdening you with.

    I am sorry to hear about your father and I hope that you and your mother are able to spend much needed time with him.

    I don't know much about Pulminary Hypterension, but there may also be assistance through some of the associations. And even assistance for little things you wouldn't of thought of through other avenues.

    In the meantime, take care of yourself and your family. Nothing any of can say will make it all better, but don't forget to smile and show your father love and happiness when you are together, that time is precious.

    If I come across anything helpful, Ill be sure to post.

    take care - marie
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  19. #18
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    I am both elated (and actually tearing up for once) and sorrowful. Elated at the great advice I have gotten here, I have something to look into now inasmuch as insurance goes as well as have a good group of people to support me here. I am sad, however, about the donations, I was actually referring to art donations. I think in my state of mind yesterday things came out wrong. I'd prefer to work this out in a fashion that could help some of the people here. I'm off to see my Mom right now, but I thought I'd pop on and thank all you. I can't even begin to express how I feel. What a maelstrom of feelings right now! When I get done tonight, I'll be making some calls to support groups for the rest of my family. It's strange, they don't know this is how I am feeling. Someone has to be strong, and I don't mind shouldering that burden.

    Thank you from the very depths of my heart, I'll be on later.

    ~Chris
    He who asks is a fool for five minutes,
    but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

    Starting over.

  20. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crash
    set up a paypal account and youll se that alot of warmth from the conceptart community.
    dude don't joke about this, but that does sound like a plan...
    Do you know the muffinman?

    Originally Posted by creatix
    Once you understand what the word "stupid" means - age is no longer a valid excuse for being that way.

  21. #20
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    Muffinman I don't think he's joking, what crash means is that set up a paypal account and watch as we as a community donate money to a worthy need. In a cold time, we need to hold each other as a family which meant the warmth.
    "If you only heard one side of the story, then you must be deaf in the other ear." - Sok N. Wett

    Sok's Sketchbook Thread Last Updated November 25

  22. #21
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    It's a good plan (setting up a paypal account). If every CA member donated even five bucks it'd help a lot. It's a very good idea. Klinesmoker, this is a could really work for you, and potentially help more than people donating art. Think about it.

    Sorry to hear about all of this happening to you, it's a lot for anybody, let alone a 19 year old, to go through.

  23. #22
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    Klinesmoker
    You are far too young to have to go through all this. I lost my dad when I was 31, I quit a good paying job in chicago to return home and help my mom rebuild her life. It was a difficult time but worth every second being at her side. I'm not a wealthy person but count me in for a donation, money or art.

    Keep well, try not to let the stress cut into your own health. You'll need it to keep your mom strong.

    Bryce

  24. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sok N. Wett
    Muffinman I don't think he's joking, what crash means is that set up a paypal account and watch as we as a community donate money to a worthy need. In a cold time, we need to hold each other as a family which meant the warmth.
    indeed...
    Do you know the muffinman?

    Originally Posted by creatix
    Once you understand what the word "stupid" means - age is no longer a valid excuse for being that way.

  25. #24
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    I'll get one set up, but I still want to use art. It'll take some cash out of pocket for this to get together, but it's worth it. I love my Dad, I refuse to let his death go without something. I just refuse. He's with pulmonologists today, his medication is failing.

    /sigh

    ~Chris
    He who asks is a fool for five minutes,
    but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

    Starting over.

  26. #25
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    I'l donate 10 dollars if you get a paypal account up.
    My own dad isnt feeling all to well here either (passed out infront of me for 1 minute (felt like 20) so I am pretty scared, the doctor said its going to be fine, but I was still shocked when he fainted infront of me, anyway) I cannot immagine how you must feel, it must be 100 times as bad as I felt.

    maybe e-mailing or pming manley to try and get something set up on this website might be a good idea.
    Last edited by EVIL; March 12th, 2005 at 09:18 PM.

  27. #26
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    I have set the account up with my sister, Jenny. jklinesm@knox.edu. It's family business, I guess you could say.
    I've been using Nvu recently to create the website and am beginning to create some layouts for flyers and the like.

    I'll be praying that I can get this to work. People out here are so skeptical and unwilling to help in general. It's a good thing I'm not easily discouraged. If you want to help or donate, please send me a PM as soon as you can or do.

    ~Chris Klinesmith
    He who asks is a fool for five minutes,
    but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

    Starting over.

  28. #27
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    there yah go man

    I wish you the best of luck mate

  29. #28
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    Hey Chris,

    I lost my dad at Christmas. I talked to my father three times a day on the phone and went to visit two or more times a week. Even though it was only a few months ago I can’t image how I got though it. My life too was upside down. It seems like I was living everyday from second to second. Nothing was real but at the same time so very real. This is a time where you will think a lot about your father and what he means to you, but you will also learn much about yourself.
    Chris, you sound very mature for someone who’s 19…you understand the strength one gains by leading . Don’t forget to make time for your own feeling. It’s natural, it's human.

    In the end I can’t really say anything that can remotely effect how you feel, it is a very personal journey. Be strong, be week, laugh about the good times and cry about your world without him.

    Peace and love
    Dan

  30. #29
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    Damn, man. That's hard. Mine is slowly dying as we speak. There's nothing I can do about it (apart from talking to him and use the time we have left). I can only agree on what has already been said here. Losing one's father is as far as I can see the most fundamental thing that's ever gonna happen. It's not only the sadness. It's more like entering a new state of mind. A new place. With no dad in it. I'm poor as nothing else but if you like some art or design, just send me a message.

    Try to keep sane. Peace / Jacob
    "When George is hanged, Harris will be the worst packer in this world..."

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