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Thread: That heartbreak when your girlfriend moves to half-way across the world.

  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shorinji_Knight View Post
    If you have to win her back, she doesn't love you. If she loved you this situation wouldn't even come up. The problem is probably that you both haven't fully realized that you don't really love each other. Be completely honest with yourself are you unhappy because you love her?

    It sounds more like you're her back up plan. Cut the string.
    We had done the long distance thing before. We both did not have any problems while I was away for school. She just seems to not really want to get back with me. Almost as if she is giving reasons to just give up. But on some days she will say I am the "best person in the world".

    Quote Originally Posted by littlebones View Post
    You don't have to break contact suddenly and just disappear. Just let her know the deal. Say that you can see that the relationship isn't going to happen, and it's hard for you to remain her friend when you still have so many feelings for her. Let her know you really do want to be her friend but that first you need some time. Her feelings may be hurt at first but eventually she will understand.

    I've had to do this after my first really important relationship, and I don't regret it for a second. My ex understood why I had to not speak to him for a while even though we both still cared about each other. But we both realized we couldn't be friends any other way. So after about half a year of no contact we were able to speak normally and without bitterness and emotion. He's still one of my best friends.

    Good luck, buddy. Heartbreak sucks.
    I appreciate your advice and I will take it to heart. I am glad you could offer me what you know as I have not had much experience with breakups since this is my first. Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Star Eater View Post
    Time and porn heals all.
    Ha~~~~

    Quote Originally Posted by Velocity Kendall View Post
    Yeah Haley Wilde will never break your heart.
    I will Google her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Medusa View Post
    The "get married" part? That's her way to be cruel, maybe unintentionally. She's giving you false hope.

    Get over it. There are other girls out there.
    A part of me wants to say that she would never do that. Another sees the good advice I am getting and the reality of the situation. It really is hard at the moment as a lot of things remind me of her. Sometimes I wonder when the torture will end.

    Quote Originally Posted by dpaint View Post
    Seriously, while I understand you are sad and want that one girl. Dude, there are millions of women in the world and nothing makes you forget a woman faster than another woman. Nothing better than that new girlfriend smell
    Haha! I have never heard something like that! I will try my best but it seems that a lot of things are associated with her so it is quite hard to forget her at the moment. I will take the advice to work out and draw as I will also look better and feel better at the same time!

    Quote Originally Posted by timpaatkins View Post
    "The fastest way to get over a girlfriend is to get under another one"
    I will keep that in mind.

    Quote Originally Posted by vineris View Post
    No, this is just going to feel horrible overall. Nobody is going to blame you for the way you feel. It's natural to want to keep in touch and not lose the friendship, it's just that I think most of us have experience with doing that and it didn't work out well. You don't have to be a jerk about it, you can ask her for some space and time to think about things and then just sort of let that connection lapse.

    It will be easier in 3 weeks when you leave and have things to do with your time. It's always hardest when you're the one just sitting around and thinking.
    Yeah. She has a LOT to do to get her mind off things. That would include settling into the new country, packing out her things, looking for a job, getting her bank account set up, etc. I am here basically waiting for the plane to get to me in 3 weeks! I will draw more and work out to fight off the battle going on in my head. Most of it is a "does she hate me?"/"will she get another man?" type conversation and I agree beforehand that it will get me nowhere.

    I woke up late today (about 3pm her time) and I got a missed call at about 7:30am (Mytime). I tried calling the whole day and I could not get through. I was wondering if she hates me now because I have not called and blah blah blah. It's really taking most of my will not to get impatient and think about bad things (i.e. does she hate me/will we get back together) than to just calm down and try to get myself back together. It is also double hard because I REALLY thought this was going to be it and we would get married and i could finally feel loved and accepted and... stuff. Anyway, I will definitely ask for space and accept the guilt trip that will come with it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rabbi Satan View Post
    There's not much sound advice us internet strangers and love meisters can give - since we aren't in your situation, nor do we know all the facts and the intricate nuances of the relationship, and how psychologically sophisticated either of you are, and how aware of that sophistication both of you are in each other.

    But, if I were you, and I loved her as much as you're describing, I'd pack my things, essential stuff to get going. Warm clothes if you're going to colder climes, all the ancillary items. But most importantly of all, funds, and something sentimental. But it is crucial to judge the situation as best as you can using what you know, and your intuition. No one but you can do that. I'm just saying what'd I'd do if I were in your situation.

    Will it work? I don't know, you don't know, and neither does anyone else. We're all projecting here. Just don't regret it down the road.

    That's what I plan to do with my Beatrice, and she's literally half-way the world away.

    So take a risk: either pursue the risk, and suffer the harsh truth, or reap it. Or look back when you're 75 when you're finally buried, but realized you actually died at the age of 25.

    Other than that, there's *NSFW* X-Art. *NSFW*
    Thank you. Life is all about risk. maybe. I do not think I am old enough to make that statement. At the moment a lot of things are being said in my head and with all the emotions going around it is a bit hard to work through all the clutter. My mind know that there are "millions of women" (thanks paint) and that I will , more than likely, find someone that could exceed my expectations in a woman *crosses fingers* but of course right now, in the freshness of the heartbreak, it all doesn't seem that way. I will try my best.

    Quote Originally Posted by dierat View Post
    Yeah that sucks. I agree with the others - it sounds like she wanted out but doesn't want to let go of you just in case. You guys were only separated for 2 days and "something changed"? No offence but the relationship couldn't've meant much to her if that's all it took (unless you said some serious shit to her when you broke up).

    I don't have much to add except that the first few relationships you go through, they tend to feel.. more than they are. I know right now you feel like she's the one, that there's no one out there as special as she is, but that's impossible for you to gauge right now. You need some time and perspective. When you look back at this later on, it might look a bit different.

    If she's serious about not being together and living far, far away, you should respect her wishes, accept it, and focus on yourself for a little while. If you try to hold on to this relationship and be her friend whenever she needs you and not let yourself let go, it's going to be incredibly tough when she moves and meets someone new. It's possible that down the road you will both decide that you're happiest together and get married after all, but allowing yourself to be happy on your own right now won't stop that. If she's as great as you think she is, she'll understand and want what's best for you.
    You see that, my friend is what breaks my heart so much! That she will go through these men to realize that I am the best for her! (ok, I admit that does sound crazy/possessive). I have thought through all the scenarios where she comes back to me after having been with these men and asking if we should be back together and honestly I have no clue what I will do.

    Advice that I am getting suggests that I should just let go and "be happy on my own, right now" as you said. I will try to let go but my over positive side comes in and says: "No! You should be ready for when she comes back to you!" Ugh. I will be happy by myself.

    Quote Originally Posted by ArtZealot View Post
    Yeah, i wouldn't waste time with the "just friends" thing, that's just letting you off easy. Do like some others said, start working out as a way to keep yourself occupied and healthy, if you sketch, start sketching in coffee shops, be around people, dont be a recluse in your house and you'll be fine.
    I will do that. thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kamber Parrk View Post
    So,

    What were the "different beliefs" over which you separated?
    Long story. Not enough thread.

    Do a lot of work and your work will be as good as your ambitions.
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  3. #32
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    Hey Eternal A,

    I think the consensus view is pretty much:

    It's over-- move on.

    I think the reason for this lies in the "different beliefs" of which you've spoken.

    If you reflect on this, I think, you to, may come to accept the view of the consensus. . . .

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kamber Parrk View Post
    Hey Eternal A,

    I think the consensus view is pretty much:

    It's over-- move on.

    I think the reason for this lies in the "different beliefs" of which you've spoken.

    If you reflect on this, I think, you to, may come to accept the view of the consensus. . . .
    Yup. I was just closing up the responses. CA to the world.

    Do a lot of work and your work will be as good as your ambitions.
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    Anyone who gives you the "Plenty of other girls"-lesson have never experienced the same thing. Also, the "It's over--move on" argument just won't bite when your whole world revolves around her.
    Most people settle for "Good enough".
    I believe I know what you mean. This happened to myself (With slightly different circumstances of course) several years ago and I never quite returned to being the same person. Several shrink sessions later, I guess the best advice I can give you is to fill the hole she left with meaningless sex, drugs and alcohol. It's only getting worse from here bud. THAT'S the fact that you need to cope with.

    Oh, and by the way, is there any function to block myself from using this site between 02 and 08 AM? Especially on weekends?

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    Quote Originally Posted by iambanana View Post
    Anyone who gives you the "Plenty of other girls"-lesson have never experienced the same thing. Also, the "It's over--move on" argument just won't bite when your whole world revolves around her.
    Most people settle for "Good enough".
    I believe I know what you mean. This happened to myself (With slightly different circumstances of course) several years ago and I never quite returned to being the same person. Several shrink sessions later, I guess the best advice I can give you is to fill the hole she left with meaningless sex, drugs and alcohol. It's only getting worse from here bud. THAT'S the fact that you need to cope with.

    Oh, and by the way, is there any function to block myself from using this site between 02 and 08 AM? Especially on weekends?
    You're a sad excuse for a man, turn in your genitals to the nearest organ donor clinic. You have the emotional bandwidth of a nematode.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dpaint View Post
    You're a sad excuse for a man, turn in your genitals to the nearest organ donor clinic. You have the emotional bandwidth of a nematode.
    Not wanting to get on the bad side of one of the most respected forum members on CAO, I'll try to choose my next words wisely.

    I'll overlook your completely unprovoked and (As I see it) way too personal insult, y'know, since you know nothing about me and everything, and try to clarify what I was trying to say. I'll even refrain from trying to insult you back or start a flame-war I cannot win (But then again, can you really WIN an online flame-war?).

    I genuinely do believe I know what the OP is going through. And when I was going through the same thing, everyone told me "Ah, get over it you pussy, there are plenty of fish in the sea" or "Face it - She doesn't want you. Get over it." or some variation thereof.
    All I really wanted to hear was "Yep, that sucks pretty bad man. Let's grab a beer."
    I wanted people to feel the same pain I was going through, and I wanted people to relate to what I was experiencing. I wanted to work through the hurt and at some point be able to begin the healing process. I don't think (And this is where my knowledge of the English language starts to become a bit too flimsy) belittling the issue and treating it like it's no big deal is going to help.
    And yes, I will admit that I am slightly (Read: quite) intoxicated, and as such should probably have chosen my words more carefully in the previous post. I may probably have come across as a bit more harsh than I was trying to be. I may have confused myself for the OP for a second there. It got a bit too personal.

    Anywho, I'll try to keep this short for the OP: Yes, this sucks and it's going to suck for a long while. Hopefully things will turn out for the better, but don't expect some kind of quick fix that will somehow magically make you feel better. This is something you need to work through, for yourself. Finding someone to talk to helped me immensely, and it may help you as well. Probably the best advice I can give you.
    Best of luck.

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    Quote Originally Posted by iambanana View Post
    Oh, and by the way, is there any function to block myself from using this site between 02 and 08 AM? Especially on weekends?
    I'll just ignore everything else and answer this. If firefox, leechblock. If chrome, stayfocusd. Leechblock is better for what you're looking for, although stayfocusd can be tooled to work.

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  11. #38
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    Anyone who gives you the "Plenty of other girls"-lesson have never experienced the same thing. Also, the "It's over--move on" argument just won't bite when your whole world revolves around her.
    Most people settle for "Good enough".


    this isn't a personal attack on people with different opinions?

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    Quote Originally Posted by dpaint View Post
    Anyone who gives you the "Plenty of other girls"-lesson have never experienced the same thing. Also, the "It's over--move on" argument just won't bite when your whole world revolves around her.
    Most people settle for "Good enough".


    this isn't a personal attack on people with different opinions?
    I agree that both the "Plenty of other girls" and the "Good enough" comments were completely out of line, and I sincerely apologize. I just got too personally involved for a minute there, and forgot my manners. That's what I meant by being too harsh.
    Really, I'm sorry.

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    To be fair, "plenty of other fish in the sea" is not good 'advice'. While good-intentioned, it doesn't really help, since it belittles the situation and chances are that particular proverbial fish is unique.

    But what you can do is accept it and keep moving forward, like iambanana said. A loss is a loss and it will take time to recover from. Don't neglect yourself in the process.

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    I don't believe that anybody was trying to belittle anyone here. Those of us with the its over type of statments obviously don't know for certain that it is. However, based on the discribed situation it sound like it is. More of us have been through the samething than some of you guys seem to think. From a position of prior exprience on the string, I stand behind what I wrote.

    Another thing. I didn't settle for good enough. I found better.

    Last edited by Shorinji_Knight; August 11th, 2012 at 10:26 AM.
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    Ask your male relatives. Somebody older. I bet everybody will say that get another girl. Plus getting over quickly will get you man points. Girls despise exes who cling on, even nice girls.

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    Your experience is gonna depend completely on... well your own experience and your personality. There is no law that says you must get over something quicklly. Depending on how long you knew this girl and how deep your relationship went it's gonna be different. Realizing that it IS over, however, is important. Don't get stuck in a rut where you think everything is going to be fine if you do this or that.

    We don't know you, or exactly how you feel, so it's hard to give good advice. Talking to a professional about it might help, IF you think that is necessary.

    "I've got ham, but I'm not a hamster"

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    Thank you all. I continually read all advice. We spoke yesterday and indeed making the cut is so much harder when there are no feeling of hate or anything.

    Do a lot of work and your work will be as good as your ambitions.
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    Take some time out and go and enjoy the company of your friends. Don't even consider rushing headlong into another relationship until you can think of her without it hurting. Been there, done that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Black Spot View Post
    Take some time out and go and enjoy the company of your friends. Don't even consider rushing headlong into another relationship until you can think of her without it hurting. Been there, done that.
    Just asking (not like I am tempted or anything) but why would it be a bad idea to go into another relationship with the pain from a previous one?

    Do a lot of work and your work will be as good as your ambitions.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eternal Apprentice View Post
    Just asking (not like I am tempted or anything) but why would it be a bad idea to go into another relationship with the pain from a previous one?
    Mainly because you'd still be too attached. It'll distract you from building up the new one. It's not absolutely necessary for the wound to heal perfectly of course, but just to a point where it's a manageable, non-distracting ache at worst.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eternal Apprentice View Post
    Just asking (not like I am tempted or anything) but why would it be a bad idea to go into another relationship with the pain from a previous one?
    Because you'll be spending the energy you could be putting towards making newgirl feel appreciated and loved into pining away over oldgirl. There's a reason they say rebounds don't work.

    Everyone's got their baggage from past relationships, but it's just not fair to the other party if you're still holding out for your ex. Besides, the best way to get into a relationship is when you're happy and stable with yourself and your standing.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Eternal Apprentice View Post
    Just asking (not like I am tempted or anything) but why would it be a bad idea to go into another relationship with the pain from a previous one?
    Personally I have experience with getting into a relationship with a guy who just went through a difficult break-up, and it was not pleasant. He was going through a lot of stuff and projecting his problems onto me, always comparing me to the last girl and going through the things he liked and didn't like about her. It always felt like he settled for me because he couldn't have her. After about 6 months we broke up, spent a few months apart and started over fresh without all that annoying baggage and it was much better.

    When people advise you to get a new girl to get over the old one, I think they're typically talking about short flings and one-night stands. Getting into a new long-term relationship when you're still coming to terms with the last one tends to start the whole thing off on the wrong foot.

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    "Just asking (not like I am tempted or anything) but why would it be a bad idea to go into another relationship with the pain from a previous one?"

    Does it sound like a good idea?

    I think the best advice you got was work out a lot, you get something from it in terms of getting in shape, and it makes you feel good.

    Breaking up is horrible, theres no choice in that. The only choice you do have how you deal with it; being a whiny child or a man. That doesnt mean you cant have a sniffle or two, but it does mean manning up, being nice to your ex, not bugging her and taking care of yourself. And getting to work. Think of the extra time youll have to get shit-hot at drawing. Use that pain!!
    And eventually, youll start to notice other people who you like.

    Last edited by Velocity Kendall; August 11th, 2012 at 04:21 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velocity Kendall View Post
    I think the best advice you got was work out a lot, you get something from it in terms of getting in shape, and it makes you feel good.
    Or find an interesting project or hobby that you can immerse yourself in. The key is to find something interesting that takes your mind off the situation but also builds confidence and gives you something to look forward to.

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    Last edited by Velocity Kendall; August 11th, 2012 at 04:22 PM.
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    O btw, you should totally watch 500 Days of Summer if you haven't seen it yet; it would be totally relatable for you right now http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1022603/

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    Quote Originally Posted by littlebones View Post
    Because you'll be spending the energy you could be putting towards making newgirl feel appreciated and loved into pining away over oldgirl. There's a reason they say rebounds don't work.

    Everyone's got their baggage from past relationships, but it's just not fair to the other party if you're still holding out for your ex. Besides, the best way to get into a relationship is when you're happy and stable with yourself and your standing.
    Yeah, you'd be hung up on "somebody that you used to know. . ."



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    Quote Originally Posted by Velocity Kendall View Post
    Good God! Is this pointing at the meaninglessness of it all? Is he saying in the end it would have been all for naught? That soon the person that you associate with the words and feeling for "love will one day be the very thing that grinds you down to your very core?

    Fascinating.


    Quote Originally Posted by Kamber Parrk View Post
    Yeah, you'd be hung up on "somebody that you used to know. . ."
    This is THAT song!? I heard this every day in America.

    Last edited by Eternal Apprentice; August 12th, 2012 at 02:23 AM.
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  43. #56
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    500 days of summer was just full of... sadness. I ended up hating the girl for what she did to the guy. I can see what the movie is trying to say, though. Nobody can really be labeled as "the one" because of something.. i can't remember why.

    About that advice on listening to sad songs. Adele seems to be doing the trick. So many manly tears. Manly, manly.

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    Oh, I'm sorry you found it so sad. I personally found it uplifting because once he accepts that the relationship isn't going to work, he starts focusing on the things he had been ignoring, like his own passion for architecture, and through that process he's able to move on to the next stage of his life and come out a better person for it. But yeah, the girl isn't painted as a terribly nice person because it's very much from Tom's perspective. It was written by a guy just after he was dumped and is very autobiographical.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/(500)_D...Summer#Writing

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    I'm really sorry to hear that. I feel bad for laughing at that gif though

    If I must recommend anything to you it's this: Don't say anything you don't mean, good or bad. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing, and let it become part of the past.
    No matter how pointless it may seem don't abandon the other things that you like in life, and do your best not to dwell on why it ended; You'll just end up hurting more.
    Take care of yourself.

    Last edited by Turpentine; August 14th, 2012 at 06:49 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by dierat View Post
    Oh, I'm sorry you found it so sad. I personally found it uplifting because once he accepts that the relationship isn't going to work, he starts focusing on the things he had been ignoring, like his own passion for architecture, and through that process he's able to move on to the next stage of his life and come out a better person for it. But yeah, the girl isn't painted as a terribly nice person because it's very much from Tom's perspective. It was written by a guy just after he was dumped and is very autobiographical.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/(500)_D...Summer#Writing
    When he started doing that (focusing on himself) I thought of all the comments in this thread. It will all be easier when I get back to America.

    Quote Originally Posted by Turpentine View Post
    I'm really sorry to hear that. I feel bad for laughing at that gif though

    If I must recommend anything to you it's this: Don't say anything you don't mean, good or bad. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing, and let it become part of the past.
    No matter how pointless it may seem don't abandon the other things that you like in life, and do your best not to dwell on why it ended; You'll just end up hurting more.
    Take care of yourself.
    Thanks. Much appreciated.

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    So I made it drag on until now, 7 months later. We were both in limbo about where we were in the relationship and she confessed to being selfish. She wanted to eat the cake and have it too. I really thought that wouldn't be possible with her but as a person said in here she would do it, willingly or unwillingly. I got sick of her treating me like a boyfriend yet using the "just friends" quote when she felt like it. I got sick of the pain of being in limbo about my feelings and about her feelings. I just couldn't take it any more. I am glad it didn't last for years. It could have easily lasted that long, but I am done. I was so scared of losing her to someone else or her forgetting about me that I would stew in my pain just to make sure that I knew she wasn't going after anybody else and that she still "loves" me. *sigh* It also began to hurt when she said that.

    Anyway, better late than never.

    Do a lot of work and your work will be as good as your ambitions.
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