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Hey feel like offering a bro youre opinion? I come here because 1) My ultimate goal is to be an artist in life and 2) Last time I came here to rant about something people made me realize something about myself I didnt know before
Thus, I will proceed to rant about life and depression (Dont think I'm crazy after reading it, though I probably am)
So, I've come to the realization I really need to move out (infact I've known that for quite quite some times)
But the situation I live with at my house with my mother (and her slave BF) is a pretty atrocious one. My mother says the most disgusting things I could ever imagine that not even my worse enemy would say. (Things like calling me a cock sucker, telling me I should be dead, ect) And for about a good 8 years I've had depression, in fact I still do. And I know the root of the problem.
Now the problem is I cant bring myself to move out because I'm so unmotivated to do anything (I know, the logic is crazy that I get abused all the time and I still dont have the will to move out). And when I function I get "out of it" (meaning I cant function because I dont pay attention to waht I'm doing, I cant remember a single thing I did, I cant focus on what I'm looking at, I cant follow instructions, ect) which is an automatic reaction from my brain to subdue any negative feelings I have (because growing up I learned if you dont feel your negetive emotions, you dont get upset), so that creates the problem where I cant pay attention.
And If I cant pay attention, I cant work. So, I had an new job, and I quit it in fear of being fired. Because EVERYTHING I had learned when in one ear and out the other when it came time to do the job, and I knew when I went back after that day they expected me to be able to do the job which I know I woldent be able to do and make a fool out of myself.
And its not just working but many things in general. And yes, I think about suicide almost daily and have been for the past 7 years though I'm not gonna do it.
Now I know you guys will suggest theorpy for crazy people just like me but I'm poor so that isnt an option. And I dont know how good that will help living in this hell hole.
So, now that we know the problem, here comes the solution. I was of simply just being homeless, going to a homeless shelter and then going wherever that takes me. I figured thats much better than living in this house, because atleast if I'm starving on the streets with my ribs poking out I'd be motivated and i wouldent have anything bringing me down.
Or, going on SSI (Which I REALLY dont to do) and getting an income that way.
So what do you think I should do? I'm really tired of wasting time and growing up all I wanted to be is an artist but I've absolutely done nothing with my life all through my teen years to my current age (21) besides hate myself and my life.
And yes, I know I'm crazy. Dont abuse your children or else they turn out like me. ; (
And btw I KNOW I can do WHATEVER I put my mind to and get it done, since I've tested that many many times and It seems to be true.
I don't know how things work where you live. But can't you go to a hospital and talk to someone there? They can usually offer psychiatric help if that's what you need. Though maybe you'll have to pay for that too...
If you google a bit you might find a good site with professionals who know how to deal with this sort of thing.
And "just because you're crazy doesn't mean you're crazy."
I know people react differently to emotional stress, but in this scenario, I think you're better off at home and putting up with it/using the space to concentrate on doing art and basically eating/surviving.
Sure your mother is abusive, but she just talks crap. I've had to deal with similar stuff at home and I've seen it all to be honest (police/hospitals etc). The best thing you can do is ignore it and stop thinking about it.
Better yet, don't feel sorry for yourself. Stand up and be counted, because you're going to get a million knock backs if you really want to be an artist and this will drain your motivation and confidence all the time, and much more. What's more depressing: something out of your control - your mum upsetting you - or something in your control - failing to realise your dream of being an artist? The second, because its in your hands, and you didn't do it.
Sometimes an arm around the shoulder is not the best thing to do. You have to be strong. I'm not going to sit here and be an enabler for any whimpering because it will make you feel like you're right to feel spaced out and miserable.
"We have art lest we not die of the truth" ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
"What is love? What is creation? What is longing? What is a star? Thus asks the last man, and he blinks. The earth has become small, and on it hops the last man, who makes everything small"
Ok, first off. Where are you from?
Don't let your past control your present. There is no point in mustering over things you can't change. It's easier said than done, but definitely doable.
I would suggest you to move out if your home-environment is hostile.
And grow a backbone. Seriously, being called a cock-suker is nothing. It's just words. Don't take your mom's words so literal. Don't let things like that offend you.
Do you by any chance have troubles sleeping as a result of your depression or perhaps obsessing over your past miseries?
I would also suggest you get a backup career. You know, just in case you can't get a job in arts.
Therapy has helped me tons to get through the worst of my depression. I also don't think becoming homeless to get away from your mother would do you any good. There's nothing worse than feeling utterly worthless while wondering where/when your next meal is going to be.
I don't know how helpful/unhelpful my post will be, but i mean well and want to help you here, Crom. what i'm posting might make it seem like i'm only focusing on myself, but i feel i can only speak from my own experiences here. Please just cast this off as crap if you like.
I get this too. The sort of thing where it's hard to focus and listen, while instructors assume you're taking it all in because most people do, and are focused. Then when the time comes for application, wait, what do i do? I don't know what advice to offer, but wish you the best with this. This is gonna sound blunt, but i say just concentrate on what you're doing. I know that's hard to apply, but please just give it a shot.Because EVERYTHING I had learned when in one ear and out the other when it came time to do the job, and I knew when I went back after that day they expected me to be able to do the job which I know I woldent be able to do and make a fool out of myself.
I have such thoughts sometimes as well, man. Not so often, but they're there. I too know i'll never do it, because life always has more to offer, and all of us are lucky to be here. Sometimes i wish i was space dust, nothing but black non-existance so i won't have to deal with the challenges of life. But those challenges make us grow.And its not just working but many things in general. And yes, I think about suicide almost daily and have been for the past 7 years though I'm not gonna do it.
I mean, i used to think about walking up a hill into some isolated area where i wouldn't be leaving other people the burden of dealing with the corpse, and lighting myself on fire because that would roast away all molecules, not allowing me to return to this world i'm tired of through reincarnation (just my personal beliefs here). About a year ago, i connected a gas bottle to an empty pipe thinking 'the gas for the kitchen has run out, i'll just hook this one up', without thinking, you know, it's probably not a good idea to connect an LPG tank to a pipe that doesn't already have a bottle on it.. turn it on full bore, go inside.. i can hear gas, can't smell anything.. seems to be coming from here.. i can't see, let's just use my lighter as a torch! BANG. Hopped in the shower thinking 'so fucken lucky, must be gifted to still be alive'. Thinking; shit, i won't be going to work tomorrow! But not for the next few weeks, not at all, actually.
This experience made me respect fire. Now that i've had a taste of its sensation, it's not so appealing to immolate myself. I think many of us fear the pain of death more than death itself. We're fucken lucky to be here. Think about it bro, there's all those other planets out there, without life on them. We could be space dust, we could be matter that can't even think, let alone create. We're gifted with this experience of life, and i feel like we have a duty to create everything we can in return for what we're given and the resources we comsume. We could be some animal that just walks through the forest eating, escaping predators or hunting out prey. but we're humans, with fingers and thumbs and minds, we can take a blank piece of paper and draw whatever pitcha we want on it. We are so free
Get out of there. What you recieve from your surrounding environment is definitely going to affect you. The idea of ignoring it is, well an option i guess, but you'll still be affected by it. At the same time, it's a good point staying there to survive and be able to keep eating.Now I know you guys will suggest theorpy for crazy people just like me but I'm poor so that isnt an option. And I dont know how good that will help living in this hell hole.
Do you have friends in your area that you could flat with?
I've thought about doing is as well lately. But it will make it harder to get a job, you know? How are you going to wash yourself? If there's a clean river nearby, it could work, but i don't know how you would keep your clothes clean unless you have one of those old contraptions from pre-20th century. I've thought about getting one, actually. The ideas we have about something are usually different from the reality, but it would be good to get out of your situation.So, now that we know the problem, here comes the solution. I was of simply just being homeless, going to a homeless shelter and then going wherever that takes me. I figured thats much better than living in this house, because atleast if I'm starving on the streets with my ribs poking out I'd be motivated and i wouldent have anything bringing me down.
No, you're not.And yes, I know I'm crazy. Dont abuse your children or else they turn out like me. ; (
Keep that up man! You can.And btw I KNOW I can do WHATEVER I put my mind to and get it done, since I've tested that many many times and It seems to be true.
Hopefully my post was somehow helpful, and not just a waste of your time reading it. All the best man!!
I'm not saying you definitely need medication or therapy, but I think a professional should be your first stop in sorting this all out. I'm sure others will disagree, but nearly a decade of depression and suicidal thoughts is a serious problem that isn't really going to be cured by good intentions and a can-do attitude. You're not crazy, but that doesn't mean you couldn't benefit from seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. Seriously look into affordable or low-income mental health programs in your area.
Thanks everyone for your posts btw.
I think erinc proved me wrong.
Shouldn't welfare pay for you getting help with this? I don't know where you live, so i don't know if that's the case in your country, but they do it in New Zealand and i'd be suprised if this wasn't the case elsewhere.
I hope you like this song, maybe it improves your mood
I think you have to wait a certain amount of months for income of it though. Though I think I'll get put out on the street by my parents before then anyways. So yeah, I feel pretty pathetic relying on my parents at this age or even caring what they think of me.
Nice music btw, might look up more of their stuff, been looking for more instrumental music. (totally off topic)
There's a lot more music where that came from.
Usually called Drum & Bass, there are many subgenres within it. Look up Phace, Kemal (also known as Konflict), Bad Company, Cause4Concern, Concord Dawn, etc
I wish you all the best man!!
"So, I had an new job, and I quit it in fear of being fired....Now the problem is I cant bring myself to move out because I'm so unmotivated to do anything (I know, the logic is crazy that I get abused all the time and I still dont have the will to move out). I've tried working but that has never worked since I cant focus on my job (or any of the past FIVE I've had). I dont even know how i can tell my parents about this because of the fear of getting insulted and them not believing me. "
dude, you need to dump your mum! living at home with those deadbeats is fucking you up big time. get on job seekers allowance, and get a job as quick as you can so you can afford you own place. you only need a room with a desk and a bed. being shy or gay is cool these days, get to the city as fast as you can, meet Myrna Minkof and start living your fucking life
"Seriously, being called a cock-suker is nothing. It's just words. Don't take your mom's words so literal."
oof thats like something from my name is earl
Last edited by Velocity Kendall; November 3rd, 2011 at 12:05 AM.
I mean youre like not even good at it either, I'm not even mad. Atleast behave like a moderator. Mind leaving now bub?
Get a job deadbeat. show your dick of a mum whos boss (youre new boss is). get some wheels. and get your own place to live itll change everything. you can see tits that arnt genetically related to you its awesome!
if you 17 this matter requires urgent attention, if your over 25 i may have to come over there and kick you out myself
that was sound advice in a joky manner i thought. i dont like your whiny victim persona at all though, be yourself, chill out.
look, no one likes living at home past a certain age. 1 week at home for xmas and im about ready to snap. a mans got to have his privacy, a place where mumsy or anyone cant interfere with his wanking. i need it, you need it, everyone needs their own home. so go and get one. continueing to live as a stay-at-home son is not an option any more.
above all think of all the activities you could do with bunkbeds!
Last edited by Velocity Kendall; November 3rd, 2011 at 01:18 AM.
Go and talk to your doctor about the depression and your other problems. You'd be surprised at how much help they can give.
When I was 21 if i was super skint id go and work in a factory for a month. Try that. physical excercise is stangly satisfying; the manual tasks allow your mind to relax and youre so tired you sleep like a baby. food tastes good. its boring as fuck but at least youre earning and and you have some money to splash. youre in a rut. get some urgency, youll be nearly 30 soon trust me!
Just let you know, you are not alone. Sometimes I have black outs due to not sleeping because I have insomnia.
If you just keep focusing yourself on art it should help you grow strong - do not be afraid to express yourself. Leaving your mothers house is not maybe the best idea as at least then you have a roof above your head - My friend was homeless for 3 months and it was terrible for him.
Keep strong, maybe try to find a day job?
The best thing you could do to start would be to completely disregard anything your parents say. Ever. Don't listen to a word of it. Pretend like they don't exist, and if you can't, then just ignore what they say completely.
After that, well... Just find your own path.
Do what you have to do. Start planning 5 years in the future if you have to. Little things.
You were made, and your loved! Start a sketchbook here, and maybe we/I can help you out on your art.
Looking for mentor.
If you're depressed to the point that you are having suicidal thoughts, please don't ignore it and try to "buck up" or "man up" and try to power through it. Get yourself some help. There's depression and abuse support forums/communities/sites out there on the web who could probably give you better advice than us. Depending on where you live, there might be some kind of low cost or even cost free service you could access. At 21 a place that serves youth would still help you out (I think the cut off is 24?) , and might be easier to find at low/no cost.
Half a minute on google got me this:
The links on there may or may not be helpful to you, but there's resources out there even if you can't afford a doc and they'll have better information than us.
Well, I agree that you need to sort your stuff out, and I definitely agree that at least explaining this stuff to a professional or someone who is equipped to better help you is necessary. If you don't have money for it, try some of the free forums or see if you can't find a free clinic or something.
After that, if you are sure you are here because you are dead-set on getting serious with your art, you need to post a sketchbook thread! Work on your studies and sketches and scan them/take quality photos to upload in whatever free time you have. When you aren't out earning money in any way you can, focus soley on studies and updating your sketchbook, and when you mom is bitching at you, let it go in one ear and out the other and reply 'yes ma'am' to everything - hopefully she'll soon get that you aren't listening and can stop wasting her breath. And when you need someone to talk to, head to the forums listed earlier and vent, share and support. And don't go homeless if you can help it, that will only intensify all your problems because you'll have hunger, fatigue and a severe lack of basic human essentials to toss on top.
I think that people should understand you're on a forum full of strangers that don't know you and have to take certain personal problems at face value. That's why it can lead to dangerous advice if you don't see help from a professional that deals with issues that can affect you medically.
There are places that do help with mental health issues and suicide lines people can talk to (at least in even in the US for free).
Now, seek help on dealing with those problems affecting your mental health, then work on art. Well at least if you're going to use depression or other things as an excuse not to do art, then you need to fix those problems first.