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    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    DISCLAIMER AND WARNING: If you don't find crude language and pixellated cruelty/depravity funny then this is not for you. Otherwise, read on.


    in 1989, Sierra released an EGA adventure game called The Conquests of Camelot. It used the old text input system of previous Sierra games, but now coupled with a mouse. This was their SCI1.1 interpreter engine before they moved to full VGA mouse/icon driven games.

    The game is based on popular aspects of the Arthur legend and is surprisingly well researched and lot's of fun. But...playing it the right way is only scratching the surface.

    Sierra programmers always took into account that players would type in expletives and such and used to type in little hidden reactions for the players benefit. This became even more prevalent during the SC11.1 era and later with the VGA games, you could produce funny results with depraved icon use.

    When I was bored one day, I tried to get Arthur to kiss his treasurer in Camelot Castle. The results were...surprising to say the least. I know some of this stuff has been documented in the Camelot wiki...but here is a visual guide of the wrong way to play the game for your pleasure.

    Please note, I am going to type in some really disgusting and childish things...but the whole point is, one of the programmers had already thought of responses for these requests! I am going to skip through chunks of the game and some of the more obvious mistakes to showcase what moments I found really funny. I hope you find them funny too.

    Enjoy!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Our Story Begins.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    This is our "hero" King Arthur. This is who the player controls.

    PART ONE: THE HOMOPHOBIC TREASURER

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    One day I was in the treasury of my castle when I decided to see what would happen if I attempted some bearded love on my manslab of a treasurer.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    HAHA, what?? I knew at that moment that one of the more 'creative' Sierra programmers were behind this game. I made it my quest to BREAK Conquests of Camelot and plum the depths of it's depravity.

    PART TWO: MESSIN WITH THE MERL

    First stop was Merlins chambers. Now, Merlin acts as your narrator and advisor through the game. He is quite stuffy and will be a source of constant amusement for me as I blunder through the Arthurian legend. He travels with you in spirit but in the beginning you actually meet him in person.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    I decide to mess with Merlin for a bit. He can't stand being threatened or having his belongings molested. Doing so will result in him turning you into a fleabitten dog.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    This is probably the quickest way to get 'killed' in the game.

    PART THREE: 'FAITHFUL' GWENHYVER

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Gwenhyver. Now in case you don't know, a major part of the Arthurian legend was Gwens love affair with Launcelot. This was a major issue in the legend. While she loved Arthur, her heart belonged to his greatest knight. It was a well known secret.

    I wonder what would happen if I told Arthur to beat her...

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Haha ok...um...how about one for the road?

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Wow...nice.

    Before I leave, Gwen gives me this parting fact.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    PART FOUR: COURTYARD COUPLINGS

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    The Courtyard

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Haha, poor guy

    Then I try to gross out Merlin as much as I can with my two beasts of burden.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    A pure man I ain't.

    Incidentally, you are supposed to pray and stuff before going on this journey otherwise the portcullis slips down and bashes your brains out.

    PART FIVE: WOODY ENCOUNTERS

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    A mystical forest...

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Hey! A hunter! I wonder if he'd like some royal sex?

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Is that a no?

    Then I mess about in the woods a bit more. Merlin is not impressed with what I tell the game to do.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Later I encounter a crow who is a messenger for the Black Knight. He issues a challenge or something and I'm supposed to say yay or nay or some shit. But instead I cuss him out and only by dropping an F bomb on him will you get this response

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Then we meet the Black Knight!!!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Pish posh! I'm a lover not a fighter!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    But for the sake of the following hilarity, I kicked his ass so I could mess with poor old Gawain.

    PART SIX: GROSSED OUT GAWAIN

    In the next screen I found faithful Sir Gawain

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Well, maybe this will lift his spirits

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Believe it buddy.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Meh, I'm going to scout ahead, catch you later Gawain.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Oh! Guess he was a bit worse off than I thought...hmmm...I wonder...

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Dammit Merlin!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Bah! See you on the flipside Gawain

    Then I meet some nasty old witch.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Yeah...she turned me to stone and I had to restore a game.

    Then I met a monk.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    I greeted him back in my usual manner.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    PART SEVEN MISCELLANEOUS MISTAKES

    Yeah, I skip some stuff here. I was supposed to rescue Launcelot from the frozen version of the Lady of the Lake. I tried to warm her up with a bit of sex...

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    So I left...oh and I kind of forgot Launcelot there too, I guess.

    Eventually, after crossing a desert and some other small random adventures, I found a well I was really thirsty so I dived right in.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Then I wanted a snack. I tried to eat my Donkey, but no dice.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    PART EIGHT: JERUSALEM JOLLIES

    I encountered some toughs at the gate. So I decided to show them I was a real man.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Later on I tried to kiss a leprous beggar...

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Whenever you try something sexy with a Jerusalem resident, they insult you...and MAN do they insult you! I mean, I was actually shocked, seriously look up what that guy just said to me. I'm not going to translate it here, but it made me blush.

    I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT OLD MAN!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Later I restored my game and tried to beat a street urchin

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Then I wandered down an alley that has -no- bearing on the game and found some tasteful drawings on the wall and a fly blown dead dog.

    I thought this looked like a good place to sniff the sweet air.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail


    Later on...I saw the butchers daughter at the window.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Oh just give it a rest Merlin!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    The butcher was not having any of it though and buried his cleaver in my head.


    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    I restored my game and later encountered the lovely Fatima. I had to pass some test or something and prove that I was a good and moral man...but I wanted a little sugar for my trouble.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    It was worth it.

    PART NINE: THE CHOICE!!!

    In the catacombs I found Galahad. The place was rat infested, he'd been bitten and was sick or something. Little buggers bit me too! Luckily I had an elixir to relieve the symptoms...

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    I thought maybe some intimate affection would help Galahad...

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    NOW I FACED A HARD CHOICE!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Well...I think I don't think it's that difficult a decision. So I drank the elixir. Sorry Galahad, that's life in the big city.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail
    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    LOL k.

    PART TEN: THE GRAIL!

    Right! I found the location of the grail...first let me see how my score is looking.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Meh, looks fine to me.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    It's ok I guess.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    What the...GYAAAAARGH!!!!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    WHAT? WHAT SIN????

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    I was going to get him on the way back!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Well...I thought it was the right thing to do at the time.

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    I honestly thought he was going to bounce back!

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

    Yeah well...I just got one thing to say to you Merlin!

    Kus em'ak!

    Thanks for reading! I hope it made you smile at the very least!

    Address all complaints to Sierra Online.
    Last edited by Mike Tenebrae; June 12th, 2012 at 08:37 PM.


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  4. #2
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    I loved doing that shit in sierra games too, and infocom games, and legend games.
    *** Sketchbook and other stuff ***

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  6. #3
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    Hilarious !

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    Glad you guys enjoyed it....heh, Black Spot I had hoped you might like it, I think I know your sense of humour now.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Star Eater View Post
    Glad you guys enjoyed it....heh, Black Spot I had hoped you might like it, I think I know your sense of humour now.
    I seem to be getting a reputation. Go me.

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    I laughed so loud that my dog got up and left the room. Unrelated fun fact, "kus em-ak" is Natalie Portman's favorite swear word.

    And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

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    Quote Originally Posted by erinc View Post
    I laughed so loud that my dog got up and left the room. Unrelated fun fact, "kus em-ak" is Natalie Portman's favorite swear word.

    And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
    Thanks for the fun fact! I think I might have also read that on a back of a cereal box...

    Glad you enjoyed the thread.

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    http://i1209.photobucket.com/albums/...8cityguard.jpg

    ^ I lost it at this image, had me in stitches, thanks for posting.

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    Boy were those guys strict...

  19. #11
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    Here's another fun fact: In the alley, the graffiti on the left says cow in Hebrew

    ADULT IMAGE INTENSIVE: Conquest of Camelot: How to fail at the grail

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  21. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hamsta View Post
    Here's another fun fact: In the alley, the graffiti on the left says cow in Hebrew
    That's great, thanks Hamsta...I went back and looked at the wall without Merlin talking to me and it looks like it just says 'cow' and nothing else!
    Last edited by Mike Tenebrae; July 5th, 2011 at 04:50 AM.

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    Can't... breathe... Sides... hurt...

    Oh god why would you do this? I'm tearing up, seriously. Now I have to download this game and play it myself. I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard.
    eat-drink-fuck-draw-sleep. repeat.
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    Here is a link to the original designers page he has the game on his website for download.

    http://www.christymarx.com/writing/camelot.htm

    I've actually been meaning to mail him to tell him what a naughty (awesome) chap he is.

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    Ha! Kus Em'ak
    Since I'm arabian, I really had a loud laugh
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    That was hilarious, it's a rainy lazy day where I am and that got a few laughs.
    'To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment' -Emerson


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  29. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tawnos View Post
    Ha! Kus Em'ak
    Since I'm arabian, I really had a loud laugh
    Really glad it made you guys laugh! Other niceties that were hurled at me consisted of the following (for your pleasure Tawnos )

    Yesh l'cha chara l'seche

    Ta'chel chara

    Ta'sim et ze b'tachat

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    Quote Originally Posted by Star Eater View Post
    Really glad it made you guys laugh! Other niceties that were hurled at me consisted of the following (for your pleasure Tawnos )

    Yesh l'cha chara l'seche

    Ta'chel chara

    Ta'sim et ze b'tachat
    These are in Hebrew: "You have a shit <something> Not sure what l'seche means. Maybe sechel? mind?

    "Eat shit"

    and

    "Put it in the ass"

    Kus em'ak is just one of the few expression Israelis have borrowed from their Arab neighbors

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    Simply funnny!!!

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