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Thread: BLACK DYNAMITE!

  1. #1
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    BLACK DYNAMITE!

    This is the best blaxploitation parody ever. Yes even better than "I'm gonna get you sucka". This movie doesn't parody blaxploitation films because they sucked, but because they were awesome.


    Spoiler alert! it ends with a nunchuck battle with Richard Nixon.


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    I have to see this. All I'm hearing are good things about it.

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    You know, I was gonna do this entire review in jive 70's talk but I realized that no reader would want to sit through an entire review of me saying "jive turkey" and "honky" a million times when the movie I'm talking about is doing that. And I'm not black so I can't use the 'n' word like 400 times for no reason without being called a racist even though I'd be using it to try and fit in with the theme of the review. I could probably ask Wilson from Blackfilm if it's ok to use it and if he says yes, then I could present his authorization as a "Get Out of An *** Beating For Free" card, but I'm too lazy to e-mail him. Guess I'll just write the damn thing normally. Boy, us white people are pussies.

    My favorite action hero besides Jackie Chan is Michael Jai White. I've been a fan of this guy since Spawn and I always, always believed that he should be the biggest action star in cinema. Especially since Dwayne Johnson abandoned the role to play a ******* fairy. Michael's got the looks, charisma, acting chops, and most importantly, can kick anyone's ******* *** without breaking a sweat. Ever see Undisputed II? He's so intimidating in that movie, even the villain doesn't know how to handle him. And normally it's the villain that's the bully. When the bad guy is even scared of you? Now that's being a bad ************!

    And speaking of being a bad ************, that's exactly what Black Dynamite is. An homage to the blaxplotation films of the 70's like Dolemite, etc. Michael Jai White plays Black Dynamite, an ex-CIA badass who cleans up the streets by doing what he knows best - kicking everyone's ***. But it isn't the martial arts that make this movie, it's the insane amount of humor that's put into almost each and every scene. Black Dynamite says the funniest **** to pretty much everyone he meets. From telling the 3 naked women in his bed to "Shh" or they'll wake up the rest of the *******, to telling his arch enemy, "Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only outmatched by your zest for kung-fu treachery."
    Black Dynamite is asked by the CIA to help them find out who killed his brother Jimmy. But Black Dynamite uncovers more than he bargained for when he finds out that "The Man" is also getting orphans addicted to smack and pushing a malt liquor called Anaconda onto the market that has a drastic side effect for any brutha that drinks it. Believe me, just the ******* kids on smack part is hilarious. Especially when he's shaking the **** out of one of them telling them he's gonna get the smack out of his system. (More fun stuff can be found HERE.) He also has feelings for Gloria, who heads up one of the orphanages. But Black Dynamite stays Black Dynamite even when he's about to get his romance on with her when he says, "Now you can hit the sheets or the streets, it don't make me no nevermind." Now that's ******* comedy.

    There are explosions, gun fights, kung fu fights in pool halls, kung fu *******, stunt car crashes, battles with evil kung fu masters and more. Black Dynamite is wonderfully paced and you are never, ever bored because each scene is more ludicrous than the last. Don't think Black Dynamite is a crazy son of a *****? He even smacks the First Lady into a china cabinet. And who hasn't smacked a ***** into a china cabinet? I know I've run out of buying ******* china because these broads can sure get lippy.

    What makes this movie work is how spot on Michael Jai White is in the role of Black Dynamite. He'll say his lines, then pause, knowing the camera is on him but he isn't sure what to do next. It was Michael's way of paying homage to Rudy Ray Moore's Dolemite and other blaxplotation films where the editing was so bad that the camera would linger on the actor after saying his lines, then it would cut to the next scene. It's ******* hilarious and I laughed every single time it happened. Not only did he write the thing, but he played the part to perfection. I really, really hope that the movie is a financial success because I want to see more of this character on screen.
    'm trying to find something wrong with this movie. Maybe the kung fu scenes weren't as rough as they could have been? But this is Black Dynamite kung-fu, not normal Michael Jai White kick you in your ******* face then break both of your legs kung fu. Speaking of the kung fu, a scene where Black Dynamite busts into a room after having fought the fiendish Dr. Wu and says to him...well, I can't ruin it for ya.

    Whether you go to see this to remember the yesterdays of blaxplotation, for the kung-fu fights,, the character names like Chocolate Giddy-Up, Chicago Wind, Kotex, Sweetmeat, or Cream Corn, you'll have a really fun time with Black Dynamite.

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