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  1. #91
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    Quote Originally Posted by TASmith View Post
    And just when I was going to thank you for the first two jokes. Thanks for killing the Christmas cheer...
    ROFL, i thought it might not go down well, but i found it funny at the time (i was 14).

    How about we just remove them. -_-

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    Quote Originally Posted by aesir
    I fully intend to become rich as fuck through art. How you ask? By being awesome.
    Awesome artists get rich. You guys just don't love art enough to get rich. Maybe if you cared about money more you might have more motivation to get awesome.
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  3. #92
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    So a pirate walks into a doctors office with a massive ship's steering attached to his crotch. The doctor looks at and says to the pirate "That looks like it hurts!" The pirate looks down at it and them up at the doctor and says "argh, it's been drivin' me nuts!"



    What's irish and sits out on your lawn?

    Patty O'Furniture

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  5. #93
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    Straight Edge Ryan is offline much less of a douchebag in person, I promise Level 6 Gladiator: Provocator
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    Don't know if anyones posted it yet, but I doubt it.

    Q:How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?


    A:To get to the other side

    Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

    My Sketchbook
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  7. #94
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    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Gawain?

    Gawain who?

    Gawain take a running jump at yourself!

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    hmm mines similar to alesouns but its the first one i taught my son that he remebers

    knock knock

    whos there?

    Dwayne

    Dwayne who?

    Dwayne the bathtub! im Dwowning



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  11. #96
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    Knock Knock.
    Who's there?
    Nobody.
    Nobody who?

    Knock, knock
    Who's there?
    You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
    You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
    Nevermind, it's pointless.

    Knock Knock!
    Who's there?
    Pencil.
    Pencil who?
    Pencil fall down if you don't have a belt.

    Knock Knock!
    Who's there?
    Cow go
    Cow go Who?
    No, Cow go MOO!!!

    Knock Knock!
    Who's there?
    Police.
    Police who?
    Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!

    old school jokes.

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  13. #97
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    AB, CD puppies
    LMNO puppies
    OSAR!
    CMPN
    a joke from the 1940's (from my old Gramp's, rest his soul)

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  15. #98
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    these quack me up!!

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    New years eve party, Times Square, NY. A completely drunk guy asks to a girl: "Excuse me, where am I?"
    The girl replies "Times square!!"
    And the guy replies, "no, no, country, country!"

    Ok, it's bad..

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  19. #100
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    Ilaekae is offline P.O.W.! Leader, Complete Idiot, Super Moderator Level 17 Gladiator: Spartacus' Dimachaeri
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    "Knock knock"

    "Come in. It's unlocked..."

    No position or belief, whether religious, political or social, is valid if one has to lie to support it.--Alj Mary

    Ironically, the concept of SIMPLICITY is most often misunderstood by simple-minded people. --Alj Mary
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  21. #101
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    This one is not as innocent as the rest....

    Why is it that Witches don't wear underwear?

    To get a better grip on their broom.

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  23. #102
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    knock knock are you decent?
    Yes, come in.
    But your naked?!?!???
    Told you I was decent

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  25. #103
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    - Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly Sheep


    - Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
    He's all right now


    - Woman: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Man: I don't know

    Woman: Three

    Man: Three? .....Why?

    Woman: IT JUST DOES!!!!!




    - Person A: Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse?
    Person B: No
    PersonA: Neither did she

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  27. #104
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    Straight Edge Ryan is offline much less of a douchebag in person, I promise Level 6 Gladiator: Provocator
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    Q: How many Freud's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 2. One to screw it in, and one to hold the penis. I MEAN LADDER!



    Q:how many straight edge guys does it take to drink a beer?
    A:one, if his friends aren't around

    Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

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  29. #105
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    How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Trick question, feminists can't change a thing.

    Last edited by s.ketch; December 24th, 2009 at 01:38 AM.
    "Astronomy offers an aesthetic indulgence not duplicated in any other field. This is not an academic or hypothetical attraction and should require no apologies, for the beauty to be found in the skies has been universally appreciated for unrecorded centuries."
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  31. #106
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    A family is sitting at the dinner table.

    The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of 'boobies' are there?"

    The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of 'boobies'.
    In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
    In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
    After fifty, they are like onions."

    ''Onions?" The boy replies.

    "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

    This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?"

    The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
    In his twenties, his 'willie' is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
    In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
    After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

    "A Christmas tree??"

    "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

    Last edited by Mungus; December 24th, 2009 at 12:56 AM. Reason: Bad grammar.
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  33. #107
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    not mine, but funny

    Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns
    -----------------------------------------

    Dear Walter:

    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
    husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
    mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
    halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
    couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady
    making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we
    have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke
    down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six
    months.

    I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
    months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
    worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
    he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to
    him anymore.
    Can you please help?

    Sincerely,
    Mrs. Sheila Usk

    ---

    Dear Sheila:

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
    variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
    debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
    the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
    solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
    causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
    I hope this helps.

    Walter

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  35. #108
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    Okay, so rabbi, priest and a whale went to a bar. First rabbi went to order a drink, he said: "Bartender! I have found my inner peace, so fetch me a cold one!". Then the priest walked at the counter right after rabbi, and said: "A beer for me too, as Ive found my inner enlightment!". Then the whale went to the counter. The bartender looked upon the whale and asks: "Have you too found your inner peace or whatever? Do you want a beer too?" Where the whale answers: HHHRNNYYEEEEEIIIORRGHHHHH!!

    Last edited by ~KJK~; December 25th, 2009 at 03:04 AM.
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  37. #109
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    Here's one for today, thought of it this morning, although it probably already existed as a joke.
    "What do the Japanese sing on Christmas?"

    "Noel."

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  39. #110
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elwell View Post
    A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "got any gwapes?"* The bartender says "no" so the duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back, goes up to the bartender, and says, "got any gwapes?" The bartender says "no" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "got any gwapes?" The bartender says "look, duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any grapes yesterday, and we won't have any grapes tomorrow. If you come back in here asking for grapes one more time, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "got any nails?" The bartender says "no." So the duck says, "got any gwapes?"

    *because he talks like a duck

    Ah, you beat me to it, although I was going to tell it as 'Got any bread'?



    Why did Lion get lost?

    Because Jungle is massive.

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  40. #111
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    how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    one

    and it's not funny!


    so.. descarte walks into a bar.
    the bartender offers him some mediocre wine.
    he says " thanks anyway, but I think not...."
    and disappeared
    poof

    To see the world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wildflower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, and eternity in an hour.

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  42. #112
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    How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Who cares, let them cry in the dark.

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  44. #113
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    A grandma to her granddaughter:

    -What's the name of that german handsome guy that drives me crazy?
    -Alzheimer, grandma, and it's a disease.

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  46. #114
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    An explorer is walking through a jungle one morning when he comes across a huge elephant lying dead in a clearing. Standing on top of the elephant is a pygmy, only 3 feet tall but looking very pleased with himself.

    'My god', says the explorer,'did you kill this elephant? It's huge!'
    'Oh it was nothing', says the pygmy, 'I just used my club.'
    'Wow', says the explorer,' it must be a pretty huge club.'
    'Oh yes', says the pygmy, 'there are about 150 of us.'

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  48. #115
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    A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
    Youll get your chance in court, said the Police officer.
    No, no no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying for years.

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  52. #117
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    Made these up on my way to the dentist.

    1.) Photoshop and Painter were going to meet up at a pub to have a few drinks...Photoshop got there fine...Painter crashed on the way there.


    2.) Photoshop and Painter were making some food to eat. Photoshop was cutting up some onions and says," Wow Painter, this onion has a ton of layers! Painter says," Oh really?! Let me see. POOF! Painter vanishes.

    Jay's CA.org Sketchbook:
    Jay's Conceptart.org sketchbook

    Check out my portfolio:
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    Check out my blog:
    http://mind2pixels.blogspot.com

    "Practice" DOES NOT make perfect...
    "Perfect Practice" makes perfect...
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  54. #118
    BlightedArt's Avatar
    BlightedArt is offline That annoying itch you just can't seem to scratch Level 11 Gladiator: Essedarii
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    Why was the elephant pianist crying?

    His piano was made of ivory.




    Who will be the new superheroes of 2010?

    Ctrl, Alt & Delete: They put an end to illegal operations.




    A feminist fell into a man-hole.... and she didn't like that.



    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Dog.
    Dog who?
    Woof.

    Last edited by BlightedArt; January 27th, 2010 at 10:30 PM.
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  56. #119
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    This man on his forties that goes to the doctor for a check and the doctor realizes he's got a terminal condition.
    -"Sir, I'm sorry but you'll have to give up smoking, drinking; no salt, no fats, no red meat, no big excitements, no big emotions.."
    -"Will I live longer that way Doctor?"
    -"No, but it will really seem so...."

    気計 - Quike
    "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.."

    The Spaniard's Sketchbook... No holds barred
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  58. #120
    BlightedArt's Avatar
    BlightedArt is offline That annoying itch you just can't seem to scratch Level 11 Gladiator: Essedarii
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    I heard a different version of that joke Quike Garcia:

    -"Sir, I'm sorry but you'll have to take it easy, do not get overexcited, surprised or anything that could cause your blood pressure to- ROOAARR ARHAOGHAOGHA!"
    -"JESUS CHRIST"
    -"Only joking."

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