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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by arttorney View Post
    I'll try to help tomorrow morning. Today I have to meet a deadline for a legal client.

    What does your father do, if I may ask? P.M. if you don't want to tell the world. I've got some connections and knowledge in software, legal/financial, contracting, real estate, government, trucking, and biotech/pharma.
    Oh, it's fine... He's a trucker. He got schooled here in Texas about a year ago I think. I think the company's name was Heartland. I'm not sure what he's going to do now. He was out today searching a bit. My mom is trying to get into the publishing department in American Airlines, but is having so-so luck. She doesn't get paid much. We were going to buy a house here, but after he lost his job, it's probably not going to be possible.


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  3. #32
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    Ah. An ex landlord and legal client of mine has a trucking company that contracts for Fedex ground delivery as between LA and Sacramento, but even if I found he had something for your dad, it's probably geographically inconvenient. I hope he can find something closer to home. I know shipping is tough. My firm lives on Pacific rim commerce, and the times are lean. I got my deadline thing done just now but my brain is fried. I'll look close at your pages tomorrow morning and see if I can find anything productive to say.

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  5. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by arttorney View Post
    Ah. An ex landlord and legal client of mine has a trucking company that contracts for Fedex ground delivery as between LA and Sacramento, but even if I found he had something for your dad, it's probably geographically inconvenient. I hope he can find something closer to home. I know shipping is tough. My firm lives on Pacific rim commerce, and the times are lean. I got my deadline thing done just now but my brain is fried. I'll look close at your pages tomorrow morning and see if I can find anything productive to say.
    Thank you so much.

  6. #34
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    pencils for panels 3-5 and layout for the first page.

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  8. #35
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    Velderia

    Quote Originally Posted by velderia View Post
    If you guys can give me critiques, that would help. I'm going to try to get these pages out to Dark Horse by the end of December.
    i'm not much for words, at least in the critique departement. the main things that come to my mind about your work......
    A:i love your penciling style it has an amazing personality. it's dark and gritty. it's like goth girl manga.........imp i would focus more on developing it to a more rendered state it would probably sell on a black&white level.
    B: however in your later panels yout coloring becomes over powering,imp it loses it darkness. IMP i would either lose it all together or use selective tones or play with your saturation an color layers.....hope this helps

    good luck!!!

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  10. #36
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    Recent page - page 7


  11. #37
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    ay hees a wip for ya lad

    if u drop out now, dis cuddly bear will give you cookies!!! no milk included!


    Obey the principle without being bound by it. LEARN, MASTER AND ACHIEVE!!!~ Bruce Lee

    When one has no form, one can be all forms; when one has no style, he can fit in with any style.~ Bruce Lee

  12. #38
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    Hey now, this looks like fun. Ummm... Here.

    P.O.W.! Challenge 35--Okaaaay...I'm (We're) Screwed...

    Just a WIP mind you. There's going to be a page two and maybe three. but yeah. Critiques are welcome and encouraged. too much camera play?

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  14. #39
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    Velderia- For me there was a rough jump that I think is just because your fourth page needs to be fleshed out. Between the prospect of going to a cool new place and waking up with robot arms I got a little lost, but I think it is on that fourth page where there was either going to be an accident or else some cues about how the scene with her friend was some kind of flashback dream and she has been in the hospital all along.

    I had thought the pacing was going a little slow until I figured out what was going on and then I realized that the robotic arms and legs would have appeared in the art earlier than they were mentioned. This is an area where development of the images is definitely important to the development of the story. The reader will notice the robotic arms and legs, particularly if they are cool, and read on at least for a page or two trying to figure out where they came from. The main character freaking out about her own robotic arms and legs will be a good cue for the reader that this is not natural or expected for the main character (and that will help smooth them over the bump about "WTF did those things come from? She looked fine a second ago." They'll realize that it is about to be explained pretty soon.

    Of course, in keeping with the typical manga storyline, the explanation given by the doctors is probably only on the surface, and there is something else evil or creepy going on in the background that is your broader story arc. That's cool. You need that bigger umbrella to tie all the minor conflicts together and led the readers through from one page to the next. I hope you keep working on this.

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  16. #40
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    I reworked panel 2 on page 1. It's what I wanted in the first place, but couldn't get it to work. I was able to reuse the original panel on the next page. I add a third page to lighted the story a bit.

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  18. #41
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    Recycling is a civic duty Andrew. Awesome. Press on. You too Oni Rem. I'm counting on you.

  19. #42
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    am trying, am trying!!


    Obey the principle without being bound by it. LEARN, MASTER AND ACHIEVE!!!~ Bruce Lee

    When one has no form, one can be all forms; when one has no style, he can fit in with any style.~ Bruce Lee

  20. #43
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    I think I'm going to start over. There's a huge lack of being consistent in my pages. That's not good. I hate it.

  21. #44
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    Three cups of coffee later:
    Attachment 858373

    Attachment 858374

    Attachment 858375

    Attachment 858376

    Edit: In other news, I just found out that my dad found a new job. Yay!
    Last edited by velderia; December 18th, 2009 at 11:17 AM.

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  23. #45
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    velderia: food for thought..... i like the changes you made artisticly. however i think you should tie in the boy and the girl in an earlier page before the hospital wake up...as if they had some sort of big team physical contest in a few day's....hence he returns to see her state of bieng......i'm we're screwed....or something like that
    on a side note the docter giving the sedative on the third page seems menacing like he's giving her poision i think it would have more of a reallistic effect if his expression was cold an emotionless like this is just another day at the office....
    oni rem i love your line work and style........but were's everything else i would like to see your pages before the last day.
    andrewrichie great classical style....i'm not sure how it ties in with the label...unless it's 'screwed' as in sex with a mermaid........wich is awsome
    xerxysgood start your probably more pages by now but have considerd making that your last page....i can just here the line now "If that's santa we're screwed"

    speaking of coffee i just bought some folder's "gourmet" blend there's nothing "gourmet" about it.....damn!!!

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