What the hell happened to Vampires?
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    What the hell happened to Vampires?

    Okay, so a couple friends and I were discussing movies the other day. I had just gone to see The Hangover on a date (AWESOME movie by the way). After I was done praising The Hangover my friend mentioned that his girlfriend had made him watch the first Twilight movie. He told me that, in that universe, the reason vampires don't go out during the day is that natural light make them sparkle.

    I told him that was quite possibly the single stupidest thing I had ever heard, and that he should stop lying about movies just because he didn't like them. He insisted that the vampires in the movie did indeed sparkle. I refused to believe that someone would put something so stupid in a movie. We were going to resolve our differences through the exchange of fisticuffs, but a third party decided to pull out her iphone and prove that the first friend was not a liar and that sparkly vampires had not only entered popular culture, but appear to be taken very seriously by a disturbingly large portion of our population.


    I immerged from my room a few days later after a long bender. It seemed that the consumption of vaste quantities of cheap vodka served only to blunt the pain caused by revelation that writers, filmakers, and even artists have allowed vampires to go from terrifying creatures of the night to annoying panzy emo gang members. What pains me the most is that this change seems to have happened so gradually no one even noticed.

    Granted, there have been some cool vampires lately. The ones in 30 Days of Night come to mind, but they seem to be drowned out by the decidedly less awesome vampires that appear in movies like Twilight.

    Anyways the reason I'm spending my lunch break writing this is because I'm interested in hearing some opinions on the subject. Or even history, I imagine there a lot of members that no a lot more about vampire lore than I do.

    I'm aware I've put way too much thought into this, but as a fanboy I think that good vampires should have the following set of rules:
    1.) A newly created vampire should initially be little more than evil versions of their former selves that need to drink blood to survive.
    2.) A new vampire would be stronger and faster than their former self but only to a certain degree. The would also have slightly stronger senses.
    3.) Newer vampires struggle to control their blood lust and are thus seen as evil. However, this is something that many vampires can grow out of.
    4.) The longer a vampire has been around, the more powerful they become. A very old vampire would have the extreme super speed and strength they are shown to have in many of their book and film incarnations.
    5.) Regardless of age, it is extremely rare for vampires to have "extra" powers like shapeshifting, or direct mind control. These abilities are reserved for legendary vampires like Dracula or Graf Orlok.
    6.) Finally, a vampire is a blood sucking corpse. That is the fundamental nature of it, regardless of anything else that might get stacked on top. Getting bit by a vampire is generally not a pleasant experience (it kind of bothers me when people seem to get off as their getting their blood drained, it just seems like someone taking a bit out of you wouldn't put you "in the mood")

    Okay, I've went on more than long enough. And I'm not trying to be a troll or diss people who like Twilight, I'm genuinly curious about the membership's opinions on what a vampire should actually be. Wiggum out.

    Last edited by wiggum; July 13th, 2009 at 12:35 PM.
    Remember, just because you have their attention doesn't mean you have their respect-Dale Gribble (from King of the Hill)
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