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  1. #1
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    What the hell is wrong with this reviewer?

    I found this on YouTube. It's an insane game reviewer whose ideas for games include breast cancer and driving legally. And his advice to his viewers is "You will fail miserably".

    Apparently, they aired on a cruise ship.






    There is much, much more out there.
    Last edited by Dorkthrone; June 14th, 2009 at 07:21 PM. Reason: Wrong video


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  4. #2
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    YES someone posted some of these vids narrated by some dudes in the cheer me up thread and they were funny as hell. I think they've been removed by youtube tho unfortunately

    haha "front loaded anvils" hahahah
    Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

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  5. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Straight Edge Ryan View Post
    YES someone posted some of these vids narrated by some dudes in the cheer me up thread and they were funny as hell. I think they've been removed by youtube tho unfortunately

    haha "front loaded anvils" hahahah
    Retsupurae?

    They got a new account and the Navgtr videos are still on there.

    Still my favorite:


    Their other stuff is pretty good too.
    Last edited by Dorkthrone; June 16th, 2009 at 02:08 AM.

  6. #4
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    Ah I love funny reviews;

    Mark Kermode is a good reviewer, but he's fucking funny.





    Oh and the anonymous John Solomon who reviews Webcomics, here's him reviewing Dominic Deegan;

    Hey, so, I started this blog off on a high note. I may dislike Shortpacked! but I don't loathe it, and this blog is going to spiral into the black depths of loathing before you even know it. Because from here on in, I am going to start reviewing and criticising the comics I hate the most. The comics that really, really, really have a lot wrong with them. So, we'll begin with one of the worst ones out there: Dominic Deegan.

    Dominic Deegan is a webcomic so bad you'd think it was hosted on an ancient Indian burial ground. It's so unwaveringly terrible it might as well be a universal constant. It's so bad that it spoils milk. It's so bad that your computer will physically smell when you load the page, an aroma of brimstone, decaying meat and burning feces that will linger for days afterward. It is so bad that none of what I have just said does justice to how bad it is.

    Let's do a blow-by-blow analysis of comic number one, shall we? First, let's take into consideration the art. The esteemed originator of this... particular piece is called Michael Terracciano, but goes by the cuddly-wuddly name of "Mookie" to all his fans. Aww. As we can see here, it sure has some humble beginnings! It looks like it was scratched out over ten minutes by some 14-year-old who's just watched Dragonball Z and thought it was the raddest show ever. The face is pretty flexible, adhering to a vague pentagonal shape, the specifics of which are hidden under some spikey hair. Hair you will get to know better than any other aspect of this webcomic, because 99% of the characters have some variation of it.

    Yessir, that's animu style. It is not based off manga, no it is not. It is based off anime. Specifically, very cheap anime. Read on and you'll see what I mean. Rather than drawing a nose and chin, Deegan characters have a snout. Now, fair's fair, even cheap anime isn't quite as bad as that, but that's roughly how it goes. Cheap anime has its side views as a pointy nose running down into a chin, with the mouth stuck somewhere in the cheek. This is so the mouth can flap about all it wants without having to animate anything else. Like I said, cheap. But there is absolutely no reason to do this in a comic, where you do not have to draw things so the inbetweeners can animate more easily. Still, Deegan does it. Why? Because Terracciano is pretty much one of the worst webcomic artists around. In fact, just calling him an artist is pretty insulting. Especially since he hasn't improved since he started.

    Yes, now click "last" and scoot on to today's comic. Doesn't matter when you're reading this, because Terracciano's art has gone through no significant changes since day one, apart from being a little less sketchy and the snouts becoming a little more snoutish. Yes, more snoutish. The man has no fucking concept of what a human being looks in profile, and apparently has no compulsion to better himself and try to render his characters in a manner that doesn't make the webcomic look like The Adventures of Porky Trotter, Pig-Person. Still, it's been five years since he started his terrible comic. Five years of drawing, and nothing's any better than when he started. That's so bad you'd think it'd take effort to stay that bad. Yeah, Terracciano's plenty happy to stagnate himself and keep on excreting the same kind of blasé crap that his braindead fans eat up.

    Let's get on with my speciality: the story. You see, Deegan is not a gag-a-day strip. That much is painfully obvious when you read the attempts at humour, which are either bad puns or jokes that you might find in a Christmas cracker. There are also some things which could be punchlines, but the entirity of the "joke" is that one of the characters is using words that begin with the same letter. "Carbon-copy characters make awful alliteration in lieu of anything whatsoever that's even slightly funny!"

    Okay, I cheated, but it was for accuracy's sake. Mr. Terracciano is one of those people who are just incapable of cracking a good joke, either quickly or through a risible situation. He simply can't do punchlines. Which is pretty unsurprising as you stumble your way through the archives of this webcomic, because you find out he can't do anything whatsoever when it comes to writing. He is not a bad writer, since he is not even a writer. He is to writing what a child molester is to sex. He is trying his hardest to do it, but he is just not doing it the way it should be done and that makes everyone else either very uncomfortable or very angry.

    Why, yes, I did just basically say he was a literary paedophile. A nonce of the written word. A walking Amber Alert just waiting to go off. The man deeply offends me by his very existence. His writing, and my God it pains me to call it that, is of such a sub-par standard that it is off the bottom of the chart. I have known, literally, 12-year-olds with a better grasp of writing than him. And he's, I don't know, mid-twenties or something pathetic like that. It's embarrassing to think that he's not improved one jot since he was a prepubescent sprog, and outrageous to think that he actually gets people to pay him for this shit.

    Yes, just like paedophiles have their little enclaves where they persuade each other that they're not actually creepy little shits, Deegan has its own wretched hive of scum and villainy. Knowing them, they'll probably take that description as a compliment and try and be all "ironic" about it without actually having the faintest notion of what irony actually is. This is because anyone who likes Dominic Deegan is a fucking moron.

    The art is bad, the writing is bad, yet they cling to it like stink on shit. Why? I don't know. I don't think anyone knows. Ask any of those vacant-eyed mongoloids and they'll say it's because Deegan is good, which is an obvious lie, so we can discount that. Sufficed to say, it's probably like one of those stamp collection conventions where you see a bunch of hopeless dorks engaging in a boring activity you cannot fathom. Except for the fact that stamp collection is a better way to spend your time than reading Dominic Deegan. Hell, jamming pins under your fingernails is probably a better way to spend your time.

    So, you are undoubtedly asking, what makes the writing bad? Let's begin with our humble protagonist, Mr. Dominic Deegan. He is a simple man - not in deed, not in thought, but in nature. He is as flat and shallow as the paper he is drawn on. He is a self-insertion character, a Mary-Sue, designed for some pretty tame wish-fulfilment on Terracciano's behalf. Indeed, he is a Mookie-Sue. Terracciano actually draws himself pretty much the same as Dominic, but without the glasses and with longer hair.

    Okay, I'm nit-picking here, all webcomic creators everywhere do this. It's creepy, quit it.

    Deegan starts out living, rather oddly, in a village full of idiots. I'm not kidding, try reading it if you feel you can stomach it. Everyone is blessed with room temperature IQs, not to mention they're all racists. Hell, they're just generic bigots, really. Call me picky, but when I look for a place to live the first thing I'd like to be aware of is if I'm moving in next door to the fucking Klan. But it's okay, Dominic has nothing to fear - everyone who does not share his (ie, Terracciano's) opinion is a straw man waiting to be huffed and puffed away with some little speech that's supposed to be scathing, perhaps, but just comes across as forced.

    Forget cleanliness, Deegan is next to godliness. He's a saint. He has no flaws, besides the temporary ones he adopts so Terracciano can write some character conflict that reads like a stroppy teenager arguing that he really, really wants to get his nose pierced. But that's always resolved quickly, pretty much always with Dominic coming out on top and smelling of roses. He's the good guy, and you know it because he is a Good Guy. He's selfless and caring and brave and noble and loving and honest and true, like fifteen Care Bears sandwiched into one snout-faced body. Quite predictably, his bad guys are the same.

    Remember Captain Planet? Remember how the villains would cackle with glee at pollution just for pollution's sake? Even if it didn't accomplish anything besides fouling up the planet? Deegan's bad guys are on the same level, if not lower. Forget matching up to the kind of rogue's gallery sported by Batman, these guys are lucky if they're even half of what Skeletor is.

    Dominic has no depth, his bad guys have less depth. While Dominic kinda alternates his motivation between "I must save the world" and "I must protect my friends" in his sappy, flat way, his opponents have only one motivation: "because I'm EEEEVIL! Muahaha!"

    You know, I really wish I was lying right now, but this is the sad truth. Dominic Deegan's villains do villainous things because they are villains. Whatever backstory they have, if any, they are evil in it. Sometime it's just a little seed of evil, sometimes they crawled out of a womb covered in tar and hissing through pointed teeth as their eyes search for other, more wholesome babies to kill and devour. But there is no motivation in them beyond that they are evil.

    There is one exception to this rule, and he did things because he wanted to save the world. Only, his way of saving the world was not Dominic's way of saving the world and thus it was evil and thus he was evil and so Dominic had to go Super-Magic-Saiyan and power up to defeat him. That's not hyperbole, he really did that.

    Following any villain's chain of logic, it all boils down to "because they're EVIL!" which is pretty solid reasoning for an eight-year-old watching a guy with a skull for a face try to rule the world by stealing the powers of some guy with a phallic symbol and a bowlcut, but an utterly pathetic thing for a grown man to hang on to. If there weren't greater flaws in his writing, I would chastise Mookie for it. But as it stands I'd prefer to compare him to a paedophile again, or perhaps tell him to stop fucking writing since he's so very, very bad at it.

    The supporting characters aren't much better. Luna, the love of Dominic's perfect life and apparently equal in genius to him, suffers from depression. Being blissfully unaware what depression actually is, Terracciano has her drink and try to kill herself. The source of her woes is two oversized teeth that stick out like little tusks. Despite this tiny, incidental physical blemish, she is apparently totally hot like woah. The thing is, she has no reason to still have those teeth.

    She said she didn't go see an "Alterist" - a wizardly plastic surgeon, ho ho, very clever - because they are creepy. That is literally what she said. Never mind she is contemplating killing herself, she doesn't want to be creeped out for a few minutes. Nor does she just file them down, no. She doesn't even give an explanation for that. When Dominic loses some teeth in the middle of SAVING THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD HELL YEAH he has some people make him some false ones. Which look so much like real teeth you can't tell the difference. What was stopping Luna - totally prepared to off herself - from knocking out two teeth and getting two utterly perfect replacements? Nothing. What was even stopping her from knocking them out and getting any other kind of replacement? Nothing. Somehow she has pride in her disfigurement, but also hates it enough to kill herself over it. Wow, Terracciano, that doesn't smack of forcing the issue at all.

    Dominic Deegan: Oracle for Hire (even though I don't think he's ever been "hired" in the entire Goddamn comic) is Mookie's ickle soapbox to decry what he views as the evils of the world. Somehow he thinks that, despite his terrible art and terrible writing, he's more than qualified to change the world and speak out on such evils as racism and bigotry and rape. Yes, rape. Specifically: orc rape.

    Being a twentysomething male with barely any experience in relationships, Terracciano decided that he knew all there was to know about rape. Especially raping a child. Now, all paedophile jokes aside, this is a heavy assumption to make. Established writers, who are actually competent at writing, do not leap into rape storylines headfirst. Even the ones who write really terrible rape storylines don't just knock it off on a whim. Terracciano is different, though. He will not hear a word of criticism against his comic, so much so that he shuts down his forums and deletes e-mails that aren't mindless adoration. Which is probably why he took the Deegan Express full steam ahead to Rapetown Station.

    Here's how the story goes: Melna is an orc, a Dominic Deegan race grabbed wholesale from World of Warcraft. They are basically the Horde side all put together: a proud warrior race who borrow heavily from American Indians. They are peaceful vegetarians, because that is such a unique and original viewpoint to reverse the stereotype that way! Aha! Ahaha! Moving on...

    Melna is an orc, and her father is some bigshot jerk. He ends up getting murdered in front of Melna's eyes. His wife, Melna's mother, also dies in front of her eyes. Then someone who she thought was her friend takes her, as she cries and screams, and rapes her. In order to save her life.

    In Dominic Deegan, there is an afterlife. It is cold, hard fact. Everyone knows it. It's a place you can travel to without having to die, even. You've got Dominic and other wizardly types popping in every other storyline. In order to get into heaven, the "good people" part, you just have to be vaguely good-ish. Like I said earlier, people here are either wholly good or wholly evil, so anyone who doesn't drown kittens for a living is going to heaven. Which means that Melna's parents went there after they got stabbed and shot with arrows in front of their 14-year-old daughter.

    After this went down, there were two options: Melna gets executed, for some reason, or someone takes her as his "wife" which means rape rape rape. So-called friend does the second option, which apparently makes him a selfless hero for saving her life and stopping her from living in eternal bliss with her parents.

    Yes, go read it if you're not believing me. Dominic Deegan: Oracle for Hire justifies the rape of a little girl. Justifies, excuses and trivialises a rape of a little girl. Makes it into so much heartstring-tugging ratings fuel to appease the fans. "Oh gee golly gosh," they say, "this is so deep."

    All of the above takes place during a storyline where they have a rock concert. Yes, a rock concert. With magical electrical guitars. You do not know the meaning of the word pathetic when you see these flat, lifeless characters act out a rock concert in a soundless medium. Usually in black and white, too. It's like a 14-year-old girl trying to explain what a rad time she had at her first Fallout Boy concert via DeviantArt. Except then she gets raped.

    As an aside, Melna is now in love with the guy who raped her as a child, and has actually referred to him as her "husband" - this actually made me physically sick to my stomach, which was the first time Dominic Deegan ever inspired any kind of emotion in me besides pity.

    Dominic Deegan is a bad webcomic. It's so bad I have just spent two thousand words explaining how bad it is and I still have more to say about it - but perhaps another time. In the mean time, do not read Dominic Deegan. Reading it is a chore, much like scouring your eyes with wire wool and bleach, only not as fun. Worse, you may find yourself accidentally enjoying the comic, which should bring about the dull realisation that you have no taste in writing, that you cannot discern pure shit from anything that's not pure shit, that you are a fucking idiot who likes Dominic Deegan and can never show their face in society again.

    Just for laughs I'll say, once more, that Terracciano is so bad at writing I'm willing to compare him to a Goddamn child molester. However, he'll never know because this is criticism of his shitty work, and that means he'll never read it. He is content to be in his warm little bubble of ignorance, soaking in a pool of his own filth, blissfully unaware that his writing is some of the worst writing to ever exist in the entire universe.

    "Mookie", from the bottom of my heart, die in a fire. Seriously, die. No one will miss you.
    My sketchbook, if you really want to see it...

    "Picasso is a painter, so am I;... Picasso is Spanish, so am I; Picasso is a communist, neither am I." - Salvador Dali

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  8. #5
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    Brilliant! Mark Kermode is God! I find myself agreeing with him so often!

  9. #6
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    He's great isn't he? I love his review of Iron Man as well;



    (His impression of Gwyneth Paltrow is the best part of that video)
    My sketchbook, if you really want to see it...

    "Picasso is a painter, so am I;... Picasso is Spanish, so am I; Picasso is a communist, neither am I." - Salvador Dali

  10. #7
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    I have to agree with ninjacat, those restuplay videos are pretty good, I really like this commentary on this particular Let's Play;

    Last edited by Kagemusha22; June 22nd, 2009 at 05:59 PM.
    My sketchbook, if you really want to see it...

    "Picasso is a painter, so am I;... Picasso is Spanish, so am I; Picasso is a communist, neither am I." - Salvador Dali

  11. #8
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    Kagemusha: Do you have a link to John Solomon's web site by any chance?

    I dislike Navgtr's videos myself, but they aren't as bad as Angry Nintendo Nerd or Irate Gamer (I avoid both like most webcomics).
    The Louisianian Sketchbook You can Comment and Criticize if you want.
    My Newgrounds Profile Warning: Politically Incorrect thoughts, view at your own risk.
    My Facebook Site I stopped using it years ago.
    Louisianian artists thread If you're from or live in Louisiana, don't hesitate to post here.
    My Profile Nothing else needs to be said.
    Trillian: Zenithian Oh, and I am also a GNASH supporter/promoter.
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  12. #9
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    navigatr is good for a laugh in my opinion

    I don't like angry video game nerd just because he reminds me ofactual people like that that I've had the displeasure of coming in contact with from time to time
    Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

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