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Thread: The Chronicles of Dust E-BOOK

  1. #1
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    The Chronicles of Dust E-BOOK

    Hi everyone,

    I would like to let everyone know that i just finished my Fantasy e-book called The Chronicles of Dust, End Dreams and it can be found here. http://www.lulu.com/content/7158203

    PROLOGUE

    In the ancient godless world called Nacronum, men were divided by war, dominance and greed. With the rise and fall of new kings, warfare rotted the lands in a struggle for control. Humanity itself was disappearing like the dust it once came from. Into chaos, a being of great power come from the heavens. He was a magnificent creature with shiny white armour and a weapon of great deity. But not even his great power could tame the beasts that are mortals. So with him, he woke his Destiny, four sons and two daughters, Torikuma, Nactorian, Muna, Pachacuti, Shi’ai and Drac’gul’an, together they were known as The Seven Gods of Nacronum.

    For nearly seven hundred years they fought along side brave mortal men. For seven hundred years they endured the struggle for peace, but in the end amity came to the lands. Five hundred years which followed, peace and prosperity slowly came to the lands of Nacronum and civilizations finally flourished. A mighty tower was then erected several hundred feet tall, to signal a new age of prosperity. The tower was special in design which supported a massive disk like structure. The disk floated above its highest point, soaring high above the clouds. The tower was deemed Dustoria, the Tower of Peace. It stood as the capital of Nacronum. In all directions from the mighty tower, small villages erupted from the dust of war. Arkanius the mightiest of the all gave each of the other Gods their own land to rule as they wished. One rule did not change and that was, “Protect the mortals at all costs.” And so they did and to this day, under the constant watch of the Gods the mortals lived free.

    It is in the nature of men to covet power and greed. Far to the north, many weeks travel, barons entrusted with governance of the people set themselves up as kings within their own lands defying the rule of the Gods. Sometimes, even in the best of kingdoms cancers grow, disrupting the very essence of life. If not dealt with quickly it could spread bringing down the rest of the world. Evil crept into their hearts driving mortals to insanity. Infuriated by such acts of iniquity, Arkanius created the elite force called The Blackatom. They were the elite attack force enhanced by, relics of the Gods and trained by his eminence, Arkanius. The elite Blackatoms marched forth and dealt a sever blow to those who dare defy the rule of the Gods.

    Like mortals, Gods were susceptible to the same laws that governed life. Gods in general cannot present themselves in the living world in their current energy state. They must inhabit a mortal body, thus being susceptible to the same rule as mortals, death and rebirth. To combat this minor setback they would enter a place called The Slumber of the Gods. There they would spend one hundred years reflecting on their past life’s deeds. For every one hundred years in the Slumber of the Gods they could spend one hundred years on the living plains of Nacronum. This slumber as they called it also regenerated their physical bodies making them stronger.

    On the thirteenth hundred year of rule, it was Arkanius’s turn to slumber. His slumber was generally shorter then the rest due to his in-depth understanding of the engine that governed life. But this time he slumbered for exactly one hundred years and a day no more. His waking party grew nervous as he emerged from the slumber. But something was different about him. His mortal body was changed somehow, altered in some shape or form. His white skin was no more. His slim body was now heavier built. As he stepped out the rift he muttered he had a dream. This is strange because Gods cannot dream. No god in history had ever dreamed in the slumber. His Destiny asked him what the dream was about. He said that it was not a dream but a nightmare. He said he saw his future and everyone around him was dead or dying. He said he saw a monster, but he did not say which monster. So he planned for the inevitable future. He spent the better half of one hundred years pinpointing the exact events and the other half on getting his people ready for war. No God was ever allowed to go back into the slumber for fears that they would be changed as well. Many have questioned his methods. Who’s to say what would happen to a God if it could not be allowed to slumber. Many more, including his own children, have questioned his sanity but his Destiny was always by his side. He stretched his living body to more then five hundred years until one day it could go no further. There was no other choice. Arkanius was to enter The Slumber of the Gods yet again and wake in time to meet the inevitable event. He was to wake seventy seven years to the mark and a day no longer. Arkanius wore his black ceremonial armour inscribed with ancient golden words of magic hopping to protect him from the nightmare to come. Before entering the rift to the Slumber of the Gods he stopped, hesitated for a moment. He did not forget what happened last time he was in the void. A shiver of nervousness crawled up his spine as he looked onto the darkness of the rift. Thoughtless thoughts ran though his mind until a warm hand came to rest on his shoulder reassuring him his safety. And so he entered the rift and unveiled his End Dream.

    Let me know what you think.
    Thank you.
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  3. #2
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    I guess I'm gonna be harsh.

    If this is a story, why does the prologue you posted read like an encyclopedia entry? Prologues tend to be told by a character in your setting, they pull you into your storyworld, and let you uncover the large global dramatic tensions that the story is going to deal with.

    All that I know now, is that there is stuff in your world with funny names, and something is happening. But I'm clueless about the theme of the conflict, and because of that I'm kinda not interested to buy and read your book. People read books for excitement and tension, if you want to win me over, you have to show that.

    Maybe post an excerpt from the actual story.

    edit: I read the preview on that site. I guess I'm gonna quote my sig "Master storytellers never explain. They do the hard, painfully creative thing-- they dramatize"
    Last edited by Duq; May 19th, 2009 at 03:52 PM.
    "Master storytellers never explain. They do the hard, painfully creative thing-- they dramatize"

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  4. #3
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    Honestly?

    It was pretty bad. At best it read like a victorian era writer trying his hand at wikipedia. At worst, it sounded like a teenager rping as a victorian era writer trying his hand at wikipedia.

    You need a writers voice. You need to learn to say more with less. Right now you are that painter that puts super amounts of detail into everything while zoomed in at 1600%. Learn to write like an impressionist paints.
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  5. #4
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    I see from the prologue you wanted to create some truly epic universe. However after few lines it quickly loses impact and becomes almost like text from historical book. It's hard for me to imagine it beacause it's mostly mere facts. Why not explain all nuances of the world in the story rather than reveal everything at the beginning?
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    I would recommend reading a lot of fiction in the genre in which you wish to write. Just as artists look at the work of other artists to find out "how they did it", so do authors. Don't strive to copy those authors, but examine very closely how they structure their sentences. Notice what they include and, more importantly, what they leave out.
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    Quote Originally Posted by FourTonMantis View Post
    What they leave out.
    This.
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  8. #7
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    But the book's cover is very pretty.
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    Well, congrats for finishing a novel. Very few people manage it and it's hard work, to put it mildly. So well done on that.

    I read a couple of pages and my advice is SHOW, DON'T TELL.
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  11. #9
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    tg, if you want...

    I'm a writer, recently ex editor(just too much stuff going on), occasional copywriter, and nearly novelist that's just started a blog about the techniques of writing fiction.

    http://digitalisdreaming.blogspot.com/

    I'm also available as a book doctor, or just to critique a bit. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
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  12. #10
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    Too dense, needs proofreading and editing.
    Last edited by Flake; May 20th, 2009 at 08:06 AM.
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  13. #11
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    Hi everyone,

    I would like to thank everyone for taking a look at my first novel and for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated but, I did not expect it to be so harsh and so much focus on negative aspects of the book. That just goes to show you that it is not for everyone. Like all of us artists out there we each have our own art style and so I have my own style of writing. I don't consider myself an expert writer but I can write and I write because I want to write not because i have to. I want to tell a story, my story, and so I did.

    I also thought I'd post it here since us artists have a better imagination then the rest of the people out there.

    -----------------------
    Torikuma had become, in essence, the beast of a forgotten time. A beast blessed, or cursed with, intelligence as the case may be. Even in his madness, he wished for his own imminent destruction. He knew what he had done was wrong, yet, he could not stop the hunger. He knew that his end was near, for eventually Arkanius would awaken and with him, a vengeance of a God imbued not only with the renewed strength of the God's slumber but with the cries of thousands of innocent souls. Torikuma also knew that he must fight to survive, like all things he would fight until the last breath. And so, he was prepared.
    ---------------
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    Quote Originally Posted by tgfx View Post
    Like all of us artists out there we each have our own art style and so I have my own style of writing.
    Just like we can generally spot bad art regardless of style, we can also spot bad writing regardless of style. There are terrible writers on the market who somehow have channeled really addictive stories; and there are brilliant writers whose lovely prose lacks any sort of soul or intrigue. Generally, I think people are forgiving of either of those groups of writers because they get the payoff either in plot or prose.

    For my part, I think your language base for the world is jumbled. I don't believe that the names are all from the same ethnic or cultural background, which makes it much harder for me to take the crucial step of buying into your created world to begin with. Good fantasy worlds need to be believeably unified; the really good ones compel fans to create dictionaries and encyclopedias for you.

    The following is my impression just from the first paragraphy; please note that I'm not a linguist nor am I a speaker of all these languages.

    Nacronum - Latin-based
    Torikuma - Japanese-based (or maybe Yoruba-based)
    Nactorian - English-based
    Muna - Spanish-based
    Pachacuti - Ancient Aztec-based
    Shi’ai - Arabic-based (or maybe Chinese-based)
    Drac’gul’an - e.e. cummings-based
    ..:|sketches|:..
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  15. #13
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    Good meaty story but presented in a most boring and unentertaining way.

    You need as with art, to lead the eye.. Leave the experiencing and conclusion and figuring things out up to the reader. Just add context for it to happen in.

    Little secret from oll Carlos Castenada. You have to write using your "seeing".
    "Being in writing".

    The style of the prologue is more an idea layout for a story. Not something the reader should get from reading the prologue, the reader should discover that juiciness for him/herself.
    ----------------------------------
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