Comic page(s) (update 31/5)
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    Comic page(s) (update 31/5)

    Hey. This is the first page of a comic I'm working on inspired by the street musician and composer Louis Thomas Hardin, AKA Moondog http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moondog I'd love to know what everyone thinks

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    Last edited by Ruri; May 30th, 2009 at 07:24 PM.
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    Janos is offline Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on Fu! Level 10 Gladiator: Equites
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    Oh I love the last panel. The sky especially and the totems. The weasel could be a little rounded at the bottom like the horse though.

    Cheers

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    I love Moondog's music. I'm not really following the narrative here, though.

    Last edited by Giacomo; April 19th, 2009 at 11:29 PM.
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    I like your style a lot.
    Kinda like an old fairy tale book.
    But yea, the street corner is really the moon? With animal totems??

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    The narrative is a tad tough to follow. He's looking out at a city...then he's on the moon? What's going on?

    I dig the style, though, that in itself is clear and to-the-point.

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    Why is panel 4 empty and what's that thing in panel 6? I like the art direction, but I have no idea what's going on.

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    Thanks everyone for commenting

    Janos: Ah! Thanks for pointing that out. Something seemed off about that panel but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I'm going to fix that right away.

    TheoryC: Moondog was blind, and I was trying to show that in an interesting way: he sees "nothing", so there nothing in the panel from his point of view. I tried connect his eyes in the panel above and the empty one by puting an extra thick line around both. Maybe I should make the link more obvious somehow?
    The thing in panel 6 is a Trimba, one on the percussion instruments Moondog invented. I think this'll be a bit clearer when he starts to play it on page 2.
    Hopefully the whole story (though there's not much story to it) will become a bit less confusing over the next three pages.

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    Page 2

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    Page 3

    this page is supposed to be sort of "ambient", showing the two worlds coming together.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ruri View Post
    Thanks everyone for commenting

    Janos: Ah! Thanks for pointing that out. Something seemed off about that panel but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I'm going to fix that right away.

    TheoryC: Moondog was blind, and I was trying to show that in an interesting way: he sees "nothing", so there nothing in the panel from his point of view. ...
    I'm not sure I understood that either but i like your meaning.

    You could try putting a tiny silhouette of Moondog facing away from the camera into the nothingness. It wouldn't be quite the same as his point of view but it might convey that he sees nothing.

    Or you could make the previous panel a tighter closeup of his eye/eyes to more strongly suggest that you are about to show what he is seeing.

    Your style is really unique, consistent and appealing. The totems are what really sell it in my opinion. They seem supernatural.

    On page 2 panel 4, the lines of the street and the buildings do not converge as they become more distant. This is the only panel where I find the (lack of) perspective to be distracting. Hope I explained that clearly.

    I hope you'll continue to share more of this. I like it alot.

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    This is coming together pretty nicely. I like how you've only colored the totems.

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    Thank you guys!

    Here's the last page.

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    Something different. I'm not too happy with these so I'd like to hear any ideas about how to make them better.

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    You've obviously put a lot of work in on this, and it deserves a more detailed critique than I can give in a single forum comment. If I had to offer a general overview, though, my first response would be that it's really hard to follow the narrative--after carefully scrutininzing the piece, I still can't tell why he fell off the overpass, and the payoff--I guess he's led by the woman, who I assume is some kind of Charon-like guide for those who die by fire--to some kind of fiery-river collective-soul afterlife--is sort of minimized by the tiny size of the panels illustrating it.

    For the next one, you might want to focus a bit more on clearly communicating the narrative. These pieces have a kind of detached, lunar quality to them which I like a lot, but the stories take a lot of work to follow for the eventual payoff.

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