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Thread: Are You Shy? Looking for Tips

  1. #1
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    Red face Are You Shy? Looking for Tips

    Ok, well...frankly I'm a terribly shy person, and I have a really hard time talking to new people. Once I get to know a person I start to warm up and become less afraid of showing my personality. Usually though its the other person who has to speak first otherwise I wouldn't be friends with or know anyone . I was at an opening party for college just now and as always I'm the guy in the corner alone looking both sad and creepy at the same time because he's just sitting there with no one to talk to... but I'm ranting.

    Anyway I was wondering if anyone had any tips for people who are shy by nature; and ways of getting past it. People have told me "just start talking" but I can't seem to pull myself together enough to do that with complete strangers. I was also wondering if anyone else here is really shy. I've heard creative types tend to be introverts by nature and was wanting to confirm this. I have a friend who is always bragging about how easy it is for him to talk to girls; when I ask how he does it he never seems to be of any help. Oh, and did I mention I was ESPECIALLY shy around women? Its something I really need to get over if I ever want to meet someone.

    - Funny how I don't have this problem on the internet
    Last edited by Toxdel; August 22nd, 2008 at 11:47 PM.
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  3. #2
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    The human being is not shy by nature, but conditioned so by external (or irrational internal) influences and only believes that they are shy, when the reality of things is, they just aren't willing to go balls out and do something.

    All you have to do is literally just decide you want to start talking to people. You aren't shy by nature, you're shy by choice, so you have to choose not to be and presto.

    Change is immediate and easy, no matter the situation. People just think it takes time, takes effort, takes hard work or a complex solution but it doesn't... it just takes a decision.
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    Um, I'm totally the same way.

    You can ask the people from the Seattle workshop. I'm really, really shy until you start talking to me and then I realise you're not just going to glare at me for living.

    I don't have any recommended cures... 'Just start talking' doesn't work when that's the problem in the first place!

    Usually I just bring an out-going friend who will introduce me to people.
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    Lolz that story sounds familiar...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Toxdel View Post
    I was at an opening party for college just now and as always I'm the guy in the corner alone looking both sad and creepy at the same time because he's just sitting there with no one to talk to
    No fucking way man, that's my job, you go get your own.

    My solution is staying home and introducing large amounts of beer and chocolate into my system while either whittling away at art until my hands are ground down into hilariously polished nubs or smashing buttons on the input for my chosen electronic escapism device in a vain attempt to shut the problem out of my socially stunted, chemically imbalanced, sugar-and-alcohol powered BRAIN.

    The jury is still out on whether that's the right route to take

    (oh and I use humour as a coping mechanism, so flippity fart lollipop.)
    -----------------------------

    I guess I should be helpful so here's a delicious nugget of information from one hopeless nerd to another;

    I forget where I heard this, and even though it might not help with your actual PERFORMANCE around other people it certainly helped me in relaxing myself enough to actually not sweat liquid terror and that is; imagine that you are the fucking guy Who's the guy? You know who they guy is; he goes on adventures and does cool shit, he's the guy people find interesting even if he HAS no adventures to talk about. You have to believe that you're the guy, someone who deserves attention because yes, you are that awesome.

    Now I'm not advising you to go up to people and start conversations about how awesome you think you are, but that self delusion will help you think that people actually want to hear what you have to say. How you get into an actual conversation, shit, don't ask me. But imagining you're the guy when you are in one will definitely help you relax.
    Last edited by Jason Rainville; August 23rd, 2008 at 12:08 AM.
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    I'm only shy around bombastic narcissistic control freaks....till I get angry at the bombastic narcissistic control freak.

    People don't seem to realize how frik'n oppressive they can be.
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    Speaking as someone who was a complete and total introvert in public and now so far in the opposite spectrum that people flat out do not believe I was ever quiet, it takes ONE thing...

    Have confidence in yourself. Love yourself.

    That's it. Really. Once you are completely comfortable and confident in yourself, you give off that air and people respect you and are drawn to you. You could be the craziest dressed, the one who says all the wrong things...but if YOU buy it, then everyone else will too.

    If you wear baggy clothes and hide behind hats/hoods/hair, or walk always hunched over and looking down...that body language says it all. You'll be surprised how people treat you differently if you pay attention to these things and change them.

    Quote Originally Posted by IanE View Post
    Change is immediate and easy, no matter the situation.
    I disagree. We have habits. We can't always see ourselves as others do to even figure out what the right change to be made is.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mirana View Post
    I disagree. We have habits. We can't always see ourselves as others do to even figure out what the right change to be made is.
    Why? What does the habit have to do with any of this? Nothing. The entire point to all of this is choice, or the lack thereof. The habit exists and continues through choice, just as anyone's good habits do. Change is absolutely immediate, though. Once you've made the decision and you finish the thought in your head, it can be final and tangible right then and there. It's the truth. If you don't like eating tomatoes, it won't take you years of bad dining experiences to stop. If you prefer white shirts over black shirts, you wouldn't slowly ween yourself from one to the other, you would make an immediate, conscious decision to make that change, and that's all it takes. The scenario is irrelevant.

    If one is aware of their habits, then they can see themselves in an outward perception, and even more, habits are voluntary.
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    People never get over the feeling, every former shy person I have talked to has only learned to put on an act. The feeling is still there, but it can get less intense over time.

    The world has a lot of bad advice about this kind of thing. Like, "just be yourself!" I already am myself. The only helpful thing I have found is this website.

    Shyness is an irrational fear, and you can't rationalize an irrational fear. Once your mind is set one way, it takes a lot of time and effort to change it. It's not just a matter of wanting to change. You can't wish genuine confidence into existence. You have to monitor your thoughts and it's kind of tiring.

    I'm actually better than I used to be. Now I'm just a somewhat quiet but still normal person. As a teenager I used to hyperventilate and stuff. And when I was a kid, I was such a wimp. Even when I was miserable I wouldn't complain about anything, I never talked back when people insulted me (happened pretty often). Once, I think I glared at someone... another time I intentionally threw a basketball out of court. I was such a rebellious child. I was very reluctant to join the world outside of my head, and one of my favorite pastimes was staring blankly into space when I was supposed to be listening to someone. I'm amazed I had any friends at all.

    One of the things that helps is writing. Writing to yourself and writing on the internet both work. Your writing skills influence your speaking skills.
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    I'm still a little shy, but i'm coming to the ultimate realization... Why give a shit what other people think about you? Just be yourself and the friends will come. You don't have to please everyone.
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    IanE, I also disagree. And rhyme.

    Let's talk about habits. Habits, if repeated often enough, make said action second nature. Rather, it makes it your nature. One simply doesn't 'decide' to all of a sudden draw figures as if they were just hit with a Leonardo stick, it takes practice to undo all the bad habits one learns in drawing, like putting eyes at the top of the head or making legs perfectly straight. How can you say that it takes no time whatsoever to undo the damage caused by the repeated habits performed for a person's entire life?

    If I all of a sudden chose to go balls out and force myself to talk to people, enter social situations etc (which I HAVE, with disastrous effects) I would still feel as awkward as I would if someone approached me out of the blue. Actually no, I'd feel awkward ten ties over since I'm forcing myself to approach everyone and talk about shit that I don't care about.

    That surely is a decision, but it's not an immediate cure, it's a facade, it's Jason Rainville as Jason Rainville in: The guy who tried too hard. It doesn't solve anything in the long term. Changing your view CAN be a decision, but it's a decision to go through the long process of learning something completely different through, you guessed it, habits. Just like rendering a perfect deltoid it takes a long time.

    If your view on habits were correct, we'd all draw like marko, sing like crosby and dance like jackson because all we had to do was decide to.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jason Rainville View Post
    It's just another skill.
    There we go.
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    One thing I've discovered that helps me with these kinds of situations:

    You can give into your fearful emotions and anxieties

    or

    you can act despite your fear - grow, be more truthful about who you are, and be proud of who you are

    If you have the right motivation there is really no good reason for reacting to your fear, its only a hindrance. When you know what you want - then you know it will be worth suffering through the anxieties you have to stomach.

    Also you have to have a light sense of yourself.. realize it is ok to become embarassed and don't overreact to your blunders or when people bust on you. Everyone has their faults.. if you can laugh at yourself than it keeps you honest. Nothing wrong with that.
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