*EDIT* please excuse my horrible wording, I'm not the best at putting my thoughts into written word
One year ago today, a long time friend of mine took his own life. I'm sitting here at my job/school staring at the computer screen and contemplating death while nursing a somach ache, and everything feels so insignificant. It's weird to say that because I almost feel like I'm saying something stereotypical of a person who has just dealt with death, but I just now understand that feeling of insignificance and frustration. It's such a strange sensation to me because this is the first death I've experienced where I was old enough to understand the feeling of loss. I've been almost disturbingly numb to the passing of loved ones in the past, even when it was my own family.
The thing I want to discuss with everyone is death itself. We know it's inevitable, but we instinctively fear it and view it almost as the ultimate negative. Why? I mean after having given it a lot of thought over the years, the only conclusion I can reach about my opinion of death is...when it comes..at least I'll know for sure what happens when you die. But if death is so inevitable, then it's ridiculous to want to avoid it so badly right? If the only reason our instincts tell us to avoid death is so that we can enjoy life (you know....treasure every breath kinda deal) then doesn't that mean that some consciousness wants us to enjoy these moments of life? And if that's true, then does that mean there is some kind of God?
And if we are going to die, and life is about enjoying the moments in it, then why are so many of us obsessed with health? It's just delaying the inevitable, buying more time by avoiding the foods that most people enjoy and mainting these strict diets and we as a people deem this "good." Why?! I'm not saying my opinion is for or against this way of thinking, but I keep asking myself "what the hell is the point?" To buy more time with our loved ones? Is that what it is? That's the most valid reason I can come up with, but even that is so up to chance that the point of it still doesnt make sense to me.
We rush through this life trying to achieve our goals, most of us busting our ass to build up our art skills. I think most in this community have common dreams, a few will achieve them. I'd love to think the majority will, and that only hardwork will bring that majority closer to those dreams, but I can't bring myself to believe that the world is so fair. This rant probably makes me sound like I'm depressed or emo or some shit, but I'm not. I'm actually extremely full of eagerness and ambition to bring my dreams to fruition. I'm preparing all kinds of storylines to develop later on, I'm preparing a portfolio to apply to the atelier. I've got a great girlfriend, like-minded friends, and a growing sense discipline (which has been a pain in the ass to cultivate and maintain for a slacker/highschool drop out like me.) But today I allowed myself to consider the point of what I'm doing, and how upset I would be if I died before being able to achieve my goals.
The reason I'm posting this here as opposed to some blog is because I really want to hear what you all think. I've been a small part of this community for years now, this forum taught me the importance of life drawing, anatomy, perspective, pretty much all the foundation stuff. This forum turned me from a 17 year old kid doodling picture out of his favorite comic books and anime, into a 22 year old guy seriously studying and practicing all the art fundamentals trying to understand the essentials of good image-making. Your opinions as a community have always fascinated me, and I feel like I want to put a part of my experiences out there and see how everyone else feels.