BLACKOUT pages 1-14 (just added 14)

[sabe2003]

This is my comic which I'm working on with writter Jay Beane. It's set to be a graphic novel but will most likely be released in a mini series.
Since it's not published yet and I just added a page, any feedback would be appriciated for improvements ect..

[Hayabusa]

storys kind of confusing...but i cant really comment since its only 14 pages

i really like the black and white contrast, it makes it very interesting to look at.
Some frames/panels are sorta confusing as in i cant tell whats up in them at first glance, but otherwise its nice

[sabe2003]

Thx for the c&c, I agree that in it's present form the story is a little confussing. Things have not been explained , yet.
As for the art, my part in it, I'm glad it's engaging, are there any panels in specific that you find confusing? Maybe they match the ones I think are too....

[Zergaloth]

You're black and white work is very good. But as it comes to putting action in, there seems to be something missing.

On the storyline. We see smoke on the first page. I thought that would be the city he's talking about. Crowded with people and factories. And then, both of them go to the city and there's like 3 people there, some trees and cottages. ???

But you've got a way of putting drama in it, with those blacks and whites. I really love the page where the background is a silhouet of the town. Super.

[sabe2003]

They actually walk past a small part of town outside of the city. The city in my mind is the other direction. But even in this small part of town they is corruption and theives. I suppose it would have made more sense to have them walk into the larger part of the city. Maybe that's what Jay intended.... If that's so, perhaps I need to rethink the environment more with adding much more people and more burnt sky lines with crowded housing..... Thx for the kick in the head. I need to rethink this shit now!

[AmishCommy]

i think the build up is really good but that fight scene disapoints. You have this rich style with really good blacks. I love the atmoshere and the pacing. everything looks like it was really well thought out. The shots are great for the most part. But then the action scenes are just soo stiff and boring.

in page 1 and 2 i would make the butterfly's sillhouette more distinct. the smoke creates a wierd tangent and the thick blacks on it pushes it infront of the butterfly.

on page 3, the gutter blocking the guy's face looks wierd. I understand that you are trying to hide his identity but there are better ways to go about it. and the girl being spinned just looks wierd. also, i would put the 4th panel (the areal shot) in front of panel 2 and 3. This would be a better transition into the memory. Panel 1 establlishes that he's walking alone but the areal shot contradicts panel 1 in a subtle way, compared to this head just apearing out of nowhere.

on page 12 the dude running looks just plain janky.

on 13, i would zoom in on the bandits and the girl to establish them better for the other panels on that page. and it will get rid of a good amount of the useless negative space. You can show the hero running toward them in the background. or even jumping at them to set up that kick. and speaking of the kick, I'd estend theat pannel horizontally, to show more of the leg. this would give the kick more action just by having to pan the viewer's eye across the panel. And i would flip the panel becasue we read from left to right and it would add to the movement of the kick. oh and in the last panel the baddy switches this hands from the panel before that.

on 14, WTF?, the dude jumps 20 feet backwards?

but like i said, the lead-up is great.

[AmishCommy]

storys kind of confusing...
i don't think it's that confusing. I figured it out without even reading the words. just those tiny details that i mentioned above that could be better.

[sabe2003]

Some really great Crits! You have an eye for detail. And you gave me a lot to think about. I guess sometimes you just need some strong harsh punches to the head as far as crits go......

[Pixeldragoon]

I think you need a bit of work on your faces and putting form into perspective- Your enviornments are beautiful, but some of the time when you try to put a body in, it doesnt turn out right, and it hardly matches the BG. Your hands look pretty good tho. Also, instead of showing the girl spinning, something rather difficult, maybe you should just show her face, or more of her.

About the bodies thing-

http://pics.incoimages.com/dmqhj.gif

Its mostly this one, at the bottom- It looks totally half assed. No offense, but the proportions look very wrong. Also, the frame right below the one I just reposted- http://pics.incoimages.com/pgpqr.gif that one- with the dude running- The guy in the foreground looks a bit wrong.


I really like it, a few things could make it really awesome, and I like what you did with the black and white.

[sabe2003]

Pixeldragoon--
Thanks man! I agree, James running on that page is just horrible! You think I should just redo the whole panel>? I'm getting more comfortable with action right now so it should get better. Thanks again for the crit.

[AmishCommy]

the shots you have in the last pages loose the quality of waht came before. they are too strait forward. play with the angles. But that running shot would be ok if you fix the figure. the main issue with it was the anatomy. a dude running would be leaning into the direction he is running to. also when you walk or run your legs move opposite to your arms. that was not the case in your original.

but hey, we all make those mistakes. I was drawing a daredevil story in school and i had a shot where he was pulling a dude toward him with his cane thing while punching him out with his other arm. It looked cool but something was way off. after about 2 hours of starring at it my friend pointed out that the arm he was punching with, its shoulder was pulled back, and the arm he was pulling with the shoulder was lunging forward. For about 2 years later i had that piece hanging right over my drawing table with a big sign "SHIT NOT TO DO!!!" on it.

[sabe2003]

I took out the figure, For now, I think it looks better. Of couse I should rescan then take it out in PS later.

When you say the shots are too straight forward, what do you mean exactly? It's become Less impressionistic?

[AmishCommy]

by strait forward i mean, too head on (angle, positions of the figures) the camera is eye level with the action. the dude choking is in profile and in a static pose for a shot that requires soo much action.

here's how i would change up the page and angles:
http://www.arkadyroytman.com/drop/COMICPAGE.jpg
oh and i ment to say move the camera to the right while still focussing on the figures runing, not pan. This will make the running pose more dynamicthan the strait on one you have. Srawing people running strait on is always wierd because most of the ime they look to static and they create a boring silhouette.

[sabe2003]

I see exactly what your saying! Thanks buddy!