Lust - Master&Servant entry

[JeffZNY]

I'm gonna jump on the Master-Servant bandwagon and post my own entry for the challenge. c&c welcome

NEWEST VERSION:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/JeffZNY/zachowskiMS.jpg

and a detail:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/JeffZNY/detail.jpg

and the old one... (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v470/JeffZNY/zachowskiMS2.jpg)

[light]

It took my a long time to catch that they were driving a kinfe into his chest, because it looks much more... bizarre... with the shape of the handle.
The woman on the right looks like she is missing the back of her skull.

[Gregory Wohlwend]

interesting, it really held me. i like the use of phallic rythym throughout the piece, from her holding the fabric to many of the shapes throughout.. nice job. and nice style.

[ryanwh]

First the good
I love the orgasmic expression on the girl as she kills the man. I really dig the style.
The problem is in the focal point. It's hard to initially tell what's going on because the robogirls are the same color as the tent. I would tighten the pic a little, losing some of the bottom and left and changing the color of the tent to something less saturated or at least a slightly different a slightly different tone. Also the handles of the knives could benifit from a different color, for some reason the handle close to the man's face looked like part of his tongue to me at first. The yellow shoots out more than it should because it's too bright considering how little amount of light is hitting it, also unlike everything else in the pic the yellow things have no hint of a pink/red hue. Finally, I can tell the thing at the bottom right is supposed to be swirling smoke but its style is so different fromt he rest that it simply distracts instead of addnig ambience. I think it would look better without the smoke, or smoke redone to better fit the rest of the picture's style.

[JeffZNY]

I was also able to give this a good hard self-critique as I was increasingly dissatisfied with it the longer that I looked at it. The composition really stank, and without completely repainting it, I tried to adjust it somewhat so my negative space was working for me a bit better, and so there was a diagonal flow to the action that would make the scene more kinetic and less stagnant. in addition to that there were a million things I did here and there, some major, some subtle. I'm done for now because I have to move on to other things, but I'm happier with it now and I hope others dig it too! Thanks to everyone who commented, and sorry for taking so long to reply--I've been a busy bee.

LightKirtar...There was actually supposed to be a wall in the foreground that was blocking the back of the woman's head from our view, but you're right, it was confusing so I've now fixed that. I didn't change the handle of the knife because I like the bizarre phallic look, but I have tried to draw the viewer's focus to that area more effectively, so maybe that will help.

Gregory...I'm glad you liked it, though I found a lot to fix and play with. I hope you like the newer version as well!

ryanwh...At least there was some good in there! But no, I agree with nearly everything you said. I tried to adjust the focal point of the pic, and though I haven't changed the colors that much, I have played heavily with brightness and saturation in different areas to try and bring out certain areas and mute others. And as for the smoke...he gone. So thank you kindly.

Thanks also to vigostar, who left an earlier crit on this piece in my sketchbook.