jokes

[alesoun]

Why was one of Santa's little helpers depressed...



because he had no Elf-esteem!

Boom! Boom! :P

[kelly x]

This is my Fav Alesoun!! You Silly Santa!
MPBS7dVrE1U

[SMILEFACE]

so the rhino sayz to the giraffe why shouldn't you gamble in Africa ..... cause they got cheeetahzzz:D:D:D:D:D:D

[virifin]

This is my Fav Alesoun!! You Silly Santa!
MPBS7dVrE1U

so the rhino sayz to the giraffe why shouldn't you gamble in Africa ..... cause they got cheeetahzzz

[Jazz]

Ha ha ha!! :D :D That tickled me right! ^_^

[Bill]

Horse Walks into a bar, bartender sais "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

It's a thinker.

[Elwell]

This thread is not what I though it would be (thankfully).
Two countries separated by a common language indeed...

[DeadlyFreeze]

So how many white people does it take to fill out a W-4 if your charitable donation is no less then... oh wait, crackers what?

[Flake]

"brb, going for a fag." got me permabanned from a US based TFC server back in the day..

The Atlantic is pretty wide.

Edit: explanation for history, original thread title was "Cracker Jokes"..

[Irishdrunk]

Why did the birdie go to the hospital?

To get a tweetment.

[DSillustration]

Where did Hitler hide his armies?........................................... ............................... in his sleevies!

[Raoul Duke]

What do you call a mushroom that likes to party: A Fun Guy!! (pun on the word fungi, get it now)

[N D Hill]

Where does a pirate captain keep is buccaneers? ... Under his buccanhat.

[Raoul Duke]

This thread is not what I though it would be (thankfully).
Two countries separated by a common language indeed...

How many cracker ass, white devil, honkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one but he has to wait for the world to revolve around him!

Was that what you were thinking?

[GoGoJojo]

Cracker made me think of this one my brother made up:
"What do you call an anorexic parrot?"

"A polynomial"

[DSillustration]

crackers what?

Cracker, please.

[BlightedArt]

What'd the <insert subculture here> say to the parrot?

"Polly, you a cracker?"

[s.ketch]

How do you make an ice tray laugh?
You crack it up.

How do you make a handkerchief dance?
You put a boogie in it.

A baby seal walks into a club...

What do you call a black man who flies an airplane?
A Pilot.

[Bill]

This thread is not what I though it would be (thankfully).
Two countries separated by a common language indeed...

I had the same impression. I was expecting gags involving Triscuits and Saltines.



[I never would have gone there if this weren't a dumb joke thread.]

[Costau]

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

[BlightedArt]

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple.

HARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[JFierce]

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive

[Shinn]

A Canadian, an Italian and a Redneck are on a plane to Italy. When they are almost there and can see the country by the window of the plane, the Canadian says " Great , we finally arrived in Italy! ", the Italian says " Great , we finally arrived in Italy! ", and the redneck says something else that makes him look like the retard of the 3.

[nauvice]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Ihavenoeyedear

then what do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

Istillhavenoeyedear

then what do you call an elephant mixed with a rhino?

ellifIno (hell if I know)

what do you call an elephant mixed with darth vator

elevator

what does a house wear?

a dress

Which side of the chicken has the most feathers?

the outside

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

a cloud

then what do you call a black sheep with no legs?

a dark cloud

that's all I can remember for now, hanging out with kids is great :)

[Ryan K]

What do you call a cat with eight legs?


An OctoPuss...:)

[BlightedArt]

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive

That one is actually awesome.

[t11]

A baby seal walks into a club...

so wrong but so right.

Two muffins are sittin' in an oven.
One muffin says "Phew... it's hot in here..."
The other yells "Holy shit a talking muffin!"

[Dave_]

A pyramidhead walks into a bar. Chuck norris survived.

[Spirit]

Ahhh, cracker jokes... it speaks for itself really. I wonder who actually came up with all of these jokes?
I remember a few of them...

"Your dog has no nose! How does he smell?
Terrible!"

Why shouldn't you tell a duck a joke while it's flying?
It'll quack up!

[TheComicFilmBoy]

Why did the chicken cross the road? 'cause the Ghostbusters told 'im not to cross the streams!

[nofu]

What do false teeth and stars have in common?
They both come out at night.

[alesoun]

This thread is not what I though it would be (thankfully).
Two countries separated by a common language indeed...

I don't know what you thought it would be, Elwell :-O



What did the Christmas cracker say to the blonde at the office party?

Get your coat, love,- you've pulled! ;)

[Elwell]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cracker_%28pejorative%29

[Jason Manley]

thanks elwell. thread renamed

[alesoun]

Thanks for the explanation, Elwell. Over here it's used to describe a tube of paper with a small toy, a party hat, a snap and a piece of paper with a corny joke in it.

We put them on the tree and set them at places on the Christmas dinner table.

Two countries divided by a single language indeed. Amended the last joke so it's not offensive...

[Elwell]

No worries on my end, I know about Christmas crackers, I just thought it was funny. Over here we have a comedian, Jeff Foxworthy, who's entire career has been built on "you might be a redneck if..." jokes, that's the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the thread title.

[alesoun]

How can you tell you've had elephants in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.....

[sin-d]

What name do you give a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyway.


What kind of bees give milk?

Boo-bees.


Silly...I know.

[Line]

For those who are into heavy metal this one might give you a giggle.


What did the Master of Puppets say to the old blind guy?

"Taste me, you will see!"

[Demo]

Photons have mass........
I didn't know they were catholic.....

Umm yeah sorry my girlfriends in higher level chemistry and other sciences ... :nohope:

[DSillustration]

Modigliani walks into a bar.
Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Why is there no Walmart in Afghanistan?
Because everything's a target.

[TASmith]

Not a good one, but Grandmassa's joke reminded me of this, from The Earth is Flat:

In Africa, if a gazelle wants to survive, he has to be faster than the rest to avoid the cheetah. If a cheetah wants to survive he has be be faster than the slowest gazelle, but faster than the other cheetahs. Every morning, whether you're a gazelle or a cheetah, better start running!

Until I can think up or find some good ones, here's a list by George Carlin, called Bits and Pieces (I hope it's alright to post this, if not delete it):

• Be careful whom you befriend. They will eventually ask you for something.
• Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you’d rather not be doing. Anytime you’d rather be doing something other than the thing you’re doing, you’re doing hard work.
• People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
• TRUE FACT: A radio commercial says that a certain diet pill works three times faster than starvation. Question: Are they guessing, or did they really run these tests?
• A children’s museum sounds like a good idea, but I would imagine it’s not easy to breathe inside those little glass cases.
• I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man with no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
• You know what would have been a smart thing to do in these developing countries that need electricity? To have tried large-scale experiments with alternative energy sources: solar, wind, geothermal, etc. We could have tested and tried to perfect these technologies on a large scale in places that need it. That would have been smart. That’s why we didn’t do it.
• Get one now! Everybody has one! They’re almost gone! New, super-deluxe, jumbo, handy, portable, lightweight, convenient, collapsible, prewrapped, easy to use, guaranteed, available in all sizes in designer colors. Get one now! Won’t rust, tarnish, blister, crack, or peal, but it will cause tumors.
• We have classifications called “legally blind” and “legally dead.” What about “legally tired”? I think a guy should be able to declare himself legally tired, so he could get out of doing things he didn’t want to do.
• I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything.
• I wonder how many eventual homicides have resulted from wedding ceremonies performed at the Happy Wedding-Bell Chapel in Las Vegas.
• There are some people who are so nondescript that if their identities were stolen it would be an improvement.
• Here’s how money can buy happiness: Money gives you options, options give you breathing room, breathing room gives you control and control can offter you a measure of happiness. Maybe.
• I wonder if a classical music composer ever intentionally composed a piano piece that was physically impossible to play and then stuck it away in a trunk to be found years after his death, knowing it would forever drive perfectionist musicians crazy.
• All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.
• You know what you never see anymore? A guy with a pencil behind his ear.
• I’d like to point out that during the twentieth century, white, God-fearing, predominantly Christian Europe produced Lenin, Stalin, Franco, Hitler, and Mussolini.
• I’d like to know the suicide rate among people who call in to radio psychologists and actually follow the advice they get.
• If you vote once, you’re considered a good citizen. If you vote twice, you face four years in jail.
• I wonder if a person who comes out of a coma feels refreshed and well rested.
• During one of those patriotic orgies of self-congratulation that followed the first Gulf War, as General Schwarzkopf was bragging about dropping fire on women and babies, a protester interrupted his speech. The man who had killed a few hundred thousand civilians continued to speak. The protester was charged with disturbing the peace.
• In New York State, there’s a town called Eastchester. It’s in a county called Westchester.
• Whenever I hear about someone who “died for the flag,” I always wonder about his real motives. And then I remember, Oh yeah, they shoot deserters.
• Two soldiers get into a fight. Two other soldiers pull them apart and tell them not to fight. Then they all pick up their guns and go kill people.
• When you drive into California from Las Vegas they have an agricultural inspection station where they ask you if you have any fruits or vegetables with you . And then they just believe whatever you tell them. What’s the point of that? You know what I do? On every trip I put a yam in the glove compartment, just to be sure I’m breaking the law.
• What’s the difference between a drop and a droplet? After all, if you divide a drop into smaller parts, all you really get is smaller drops. Big or little, a drop is a drop. Same thing with a crumb. But the odd thing about a crumb is that if you cut a crumb in half, you don’t get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. To me, that sounds like magic. I gotta ask David Copperfield how they do that.
• The United States most closely resembles a huge, poorly-thought-out, sick joke.
• Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the customer.
• More people write poetry than read it.
• There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?
• There are now murderous turf-wars going on in which people are being brutally killed over the right to sell a substance called ecstasy.
• You know what you don’t see anymore? The sacking of a city. Rome and Constantinople were good examples. Next time we win a war, we ought to sack the capital of the country we defeat. “U.S. TROOPS SACK BAGHDAD.” Wouldn’t that be good? I guess we do our sacking in subtler ways. Through the business community.
• I think they ought to have really fast escalators that you have to jump on and off, and if you get hurt, too bad.

[Raoul Duke]

Why do Eskimos have 1000 words for snow?
Because they do sooo much coke!

Why do they make Jack Daniels bottles flat?
So they don't roll out from under the seat, when a cop pulls you over.

Would anybody get hurt if I told my home made Texan jokes?

[nofu]

Courtesy to my nephew:

How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Open the door, put the giraffe in and close the door.

How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
Open the door, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in and close the door.

also this:
Why is Santa so happy?
He knows where the naughty girls live.

[Armonah]

It's brown and sticky:
A stick.

It's black, and when it falls from a tree, your stove is broken:
Your stove.

Why do you never see fat demons?
They exorcise.


A lawer boards a plane to Europe and spots a blonde a few rows up. Knowing he is in for a long flight he decides to try and mess with her and earn some cash at the same time. So a little way into the trip he goes up to her and says "It is a really long trip and we should play a game. I will ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me five bucks. Same for me." She says no and that she is tired. So he says "Okay, if I can't answer it I will give you fifty bucks but you still only have to pay five." She agrees.
He asks her "What's the capitol of Alabama?" She hands him five dollars. She looks at him and asks, "What goes up a hill with twelve legs and comes down with thirty?" He has no clue, so he uses his laptop, calls his friends and basically uses every resourse he has. Finally they're about to land and he hands her the fifty bucks. He asks her, "I have to know, What was the answer?" She looks at him and hands him five bucks.


A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Jazz]

Dad told me this while I was half asleep.

--

Two guys were sitting at a bar; one guy had a head with no body. He started drinking and suddenly grew an arm! Started drinking some more then grew another arm! He drank more and more and soon grew two legs!

Then the guy drank so much he lost his head!

The other guy looked at him then and said, "So, do you know the lesson from all this?" Seeing as the other guy was at a loss for words, he continued... "You were better off when you were a-head."

--

Man...... XD

[Elwell]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Esther.
Esther who?
Esther Bunny.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Annather Esther Bunny.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella 'nother Esther Bunny.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo BEEP BEEP run over all the Esther Bunnies!

[Elwell]

What name do you give a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyway.


Or, call him Cigarette, 'cause you take him for a drag.

[Elwell]

How do you make an elephant float?
Root beer and two scoops of elephant.

[nauvice]

^LOL at all of these

[Carnifex]

what's white and disturbs your meal?


an avalanche.

[tobbA]

"Why do cows wear bells around their necks?"

"Because their horns don't work."

[GoGoJojo]

This one is bad, but I made it up in 8th grade:

"What do you call a coin that gets a sex-change?"

"Susan B. Anthony"

[VulgarDragon]

Did you hear about the siamese twin elephants who were joined at the trunk?
If one sneezed, the other one farted.

What do you call a male elephant who is not well endowed?
Peanuts.

"What is wrong with me?" the bacteria asked the psychologist.
The psychologist said, "You have a Golgi complex."

How long did Cain hate Abel?
As long as he was Abel.

What is the best time to eat a vegetarian sandwich?
Greenwich time.

What religion does cat belong to?
Catholic.

Did you hear about the scientist who was working with acid?
He was absorbed in his work.

[Elwell]

What time do you go to the dentist?
Two thirty.

[Armonah]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing. The lawyer responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied: 'This duck is on my property, it's now mine. And you're trespassing.'
The indignant lawyer replied: 'I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle things here. We Roshambo for it.'
The lawyer asked, 'What does "Roshambo" mean?'
'Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in my nuts, and the one who gives up first, loses.'
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. He charges, and plants the toes of his heavy work boots right into the lawyer's groin, dropping him on his knees. The lawyer rolls over and gasps for air, and looks like he's about to vomit from the pain. 'Are you giving up?' the farmer asks him. But the lawyer squeeks 'No.'
After about five minutes the lawyer gets up. 'Now it's my turn...'
'Nah'. The old farmer replies. 'You can keep the duck'.

[Moai]

So, I was at my refrigerator the other night, getting some stuff to make a sandwich, when from within the refrigerator I heard a very distinct sneeze. Puzzled, I looked inside, and suddenly, the mayonnaise shouted, "The ketchup did it! The ketchup did it!"

I was shocked. This was, after all, an inanimate object. And, to this day, I have never been able to get the ketchup to do or say anything since.

(Courtesy of Garry Larson.)

[Moai]

Where does a pirate captain keep is buccaneers? ... Under his buccanhat.

I've been trying to think of a way to use "buccaneer" in this sense forever. Dammit!

[kelly x]

Alesoun, I've never heard of cracker jokes either, we call them knock knock jokes, ba dump Bump jokes, ore maybe just jokes... I'll call them cracker jokes too but not if I'm near the South.
Here's one: What does "The Grinch" video have in common with this thread... Nothing!!! Hahahahaha (But Alesoun, your a silly SANTA!!!)

[alesoun]

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.

What did the ceiling say to the walls?
Hold me up, I'm plastered.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Douglas.

[GoGoJojo]

@ kelly x: in my family we call them groaners...uuuuuuuggggghhhhhhh.....

[N D Hill]

What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... Fsh

I've been trying to think of a way to use "buccaneer" in this sense forever. Dammit!

Ready for a bad one?

How much does a pirate charge for corn? ... A buccaneer!

[Raoul Duke]

These jokes are all so innocent. It's rare to hear a joke I can tell to my grandma. Thanks for keeping these jokes clean.

[SMILEFACE]

how did the elephant get into *Safeway .... IT TOOK THE S' OUT OF SAFE AN THE F' OUT OF WAY:D





*(safeway is a grocery store in Wa dun know if the have em any wheres else?)

[alesoun]

Knock, knock
Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?
Aw... don't cry...

[N D Hill]

knock knock

who's there

Nine-eleven

Nine-eleven who?

You said you'd never forget!

[kelly x]

OK here's one my son told my about 1o0,o0o times!!
Knock Knock,
Who's There?
banana,
banana Who?

Knock Knock,
Who's There?
banana,
Banana Who?

Knock Knock,
Who's There?
banana,
BANANA WHO?

Knock Knock,
Who's There?
Orange,
Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana again.

[GoGoJojo]

I know safeway.
[edit] ooh! forgot a joke. Uh...let me see...what's black and white and red all over?...A newspaper.......uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggg ggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh............

[DSillustration]

ooh! forgot a joke. Uh...let me see...what's black and white and red all over?...A newspaper.......uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggg ggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh............

Or....
a nun falling down the stairs.
;)

[nauvice]

Or....
a nun falling down the stairs.
;)
or Berlusconi's suit :D

[crossmirage]

http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kv8y6o0TAm1qzf11mo1_500.jpg

[Irishdrunk]

Bwahaha! crossmirage, that took me a second to get.

MOAR Priest and Rabbi Jokes.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s
collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our
cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God.”

The rabbi continues, “And looks at this. Here’s another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to
the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on,
and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”

[kelly x]

Irishdrunk!!! Hahahahahahaha, and hearty haha!! Great!

[Irishdrunk]

Awesome, then heres another :)

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

"The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi says, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[DSillustration]

A penguin is driving through Texas when his car starts to overheat.
He barely makes it into town and rolls into the local mechanics shop.
The Mechanic informs the penguin that it's going to take him a few minutes before he can take a look at it.

"I'm really hot, is there some place I can get something cold to drink while I wait?" the penguin inquires.

"Sure." says the mechanic, "There's a place right across the street."

So the penguin waddles across the hot Texas street and enters the shoppe the mechanic pointed out to him.
"One vanilla ice cream, please", the penguin orders.
On the verge of heat exhaustion, the penguin quickly and messily eats his ice cream with great fervor.
"Ahhhhh!" the penguin sighs with relief.

10 minutes later the penguin waddles back across the street to the mechanics shop, where the mechanic is awaiting his arrival.

"It's looks like you blew a seal", the mechanic informs him.

Motioning to his face, the penguin replies "No, no, it's just ice cream."

[Elwell]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

[Dan!]

Two guys walk into a bar... a third one ducks.

[alesoun]

Guy walks into a bar with a duck under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other . Puts both on the bar and says to the barkeep, "This is the world-re-knowned tap-dancing duck"

Barkeep looks at him and says, "Show me"

Guy puts the duck on the tin and, sure enough, tap-dancing duck.

Barkeep; "Woah! I need an attraction like that! How much?"

They agree a price...

Later that night, the barkeep phones the guy. "The dancing duck was a success, but how do I stop it dancing now?"

Guy; "Blow out the candle in the biscuit tin"

(Hey, I never said it was a GOOD joke! ;) ) :P

[Costau]

Two antennae got married.

The ceremony was horrible but the reception was great.

[alesoun]

What lies at the bottom of the sea and quivers?
A nervous wreck...

[Elwell]

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "got any gwapes?"* The bartender says "no" so the duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back, goes up to the bartender, and says, "got any gwapes?" The bartender says "no" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "got any gwapes?" The bartender says "look, duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any grapes yesterday, and we won't have any grapes tomorrow. If you come back in here asking for grapes one more time, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "got any nails?" The bartender says "no." So the duck says, "got any gwapes?"

*because he talks like a duck

[alesoun]

Hahahah! You win on the duck jokes...

[crossmirage]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[N D Hill]

what did the Buddhist sat to the hot dog vender?

Make me one with everything.

(follow up)

The Buddhist hands the hot dog vender $2 for the hot dog which costs $1.75. As he's waiting for his quarter, the vender points to the cash register and says "change comes from within."

[alesoun]

Knock, knock
Who's there?

Nicholas

Nicholas who?


Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees...

[biglu]

A young man walks through a park and sees an elderly man sitting on a bench crying uncontrollably . The young guy walks over to him to check to see if he is O.k.!

Young Guy: Sir, are you Okay?

Old Man: Yes, it's my birthday today (and he is still crying)

Young Guy: Wow, it's a special day for you.

Old Man: Yes it is. I'm 82 today (and still crying.)

Young Guy: Even better, you look great for your age.

Old Man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.)

Young Guy: Married!! Gee, that's great! 82 and married, wow! You've got a whole new life ahead of you.

Old Man: Yeah and I married a 25 year old.

Young Guy: Holly Molly!! Even better.

Old Man: We have sex every day! (he's till crying)

Young Guy: I don't even have sex everyday! Do you realize what a lucky person you are, why are you crying?

Old Man: I've forgotten where I live.

[thespirals]

a guy walks into a library and he walks up to the librarian and says
"hi! can i have a burger and fries?"
the librarian gives him a funny look and says "umm.......this is a library..."
the guy says "oh! im sorry....can i have a burger and fries?"

what do you call cheese that aint yours?
nacho cheese

what did the 0 say to the 8?
nice belt

what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef

what do you call a cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence?
udder destruction

[Elwell]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789.

[ZenzybaR]

Bob, Joe, and Jack go into the jungle and are caught by a wild cannibalistic tribe. The chief says that they may leave if they can complete two tasks, the first of which is to each go out and find 10 of the same fruit.
Bob with 10 oranges and the chief says that the second task is to have all 10 of the fruits pushed into his anus without changing his facial expression, or die. Having no choice he agrees but after the third he screams from the pain and is killed.
Joe returns with ten grapes, hears the task and agrees. At 8 grapes he bursts out laughing and is killed.
In heaven Bob says to Joe "why the hell were you laughing, you were almost free.' And Joe replies, 'I saw Jack with 10 pineapples.'

--------------------------------------------------------

A pregnant woman gets caught in a car crash and falls into a coma for 12 years. When she awakes, she instantly panics and asks about her child. The doctor says to her 'you actually had a healthy set twins, a boy and a girl, and they've been well looked after by your brother.'
She is content for a moment but remembers that her her brother being an idiot may have named them badly leading to them being pick on in school. So she asks 'what is my daughters name?'
The doctor replies, 'Denise'
She replies, 'oh, that's not so bad. And my son?'
'De'nephew.'

[TASmith]

"What does a black man get himself for Christmas"

And just when I was going to thank you for the first two jokes. Thanks for killing the Christmas cheer...

[ZenzybaR]

And just when I was going to thank you for the first two jokes. Thanks for killing the Christmas cheer...
ROFL, i thought it might not go down well, but i found it funny at the time (i was 14).

How about we just remove them. -_-

[N D Hill]

So a pirate walks into a doctors office with a massive ship's steering attached to his crotch. The doctor looks at and says to the pirate "That looks like it hurts!" The pirate looks down at it and them up at the doctor and says "argh, it's been drivin' me nuts!"



What's irish and sits out on your lawn?

Patty O'Furniture

[Straight Edge Ryan]

Don't know if anyones posted it yet, but I doubt it.

Q:How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?


A:To get to the other side

[alesoun]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Gawain?

Gawain who?

Gawain take a running jump at yourself! :(

[Darkmoon]

hmm mines similar to alesouns :) but its the first one i taught my son that he remebers :)

knock knock

whos there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the bathtub! im Dwowning

;)

[shamandalie]

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Nobody.
Nobody who?

Knock, knock
Who's there?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Nevermind, it's pointless.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Pencil.
Pencil who?
Pencil fall down if you don't have a belt.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cow go
Cow go Who?
No, Cow go MOO!!!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!

old school jokes. :P

[kelly x]

AB, CD puppies
LMNO puppies
OSAR!
CMPN
a joke from the 1940's (from my old Gramp's, rest his soul)

[kelly x]

these quack me up!!

[Quike Garcia]

New years eve party, Times Square, NY. A completely drunk guy asks to a girl: "Excuse me, where am I?"
The girl replies "Times square!!"
And the guy replies, "no, no, country, country!"

Ok, it's bad.. :P

[Ilaekae]

"Knock knock"

"Come in. It's unlocked..."

[sin-d]

This one is not as innocent as the rest....

Why is it that Witches don't wear underwear?

To get a better grip on their broom.

[kelly x]

knock knock are you decent?
Yes, come in.
But your naked?!?!???
Told you I was decent ;)

[JFierce]

- Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly Sheep


- Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now


- Woman: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Man: I don't know

Woman: Three

Man: Three? .....Why?

Woman: IT JUST DOES!!!!!




- Person A: Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse?
Person B: No
PersonA: Neither did she

[Straight Edge Ryan]

Q: How many Freud's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2. One to screw it in, and one to hold the penis. I MEAN LADDER!



Q:how many straight edge guys does it take to drink a beer?
A:one, if his friends aren't around

[s.ketch]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, feminists can't change a thing.

[Mungus]

A family is sitting at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of 'boobies' are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of 'boobies'.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."

''Onions?" The boy replies.

"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his 'willie' is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[SlowDaddie]

Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns
-----------------------------------------

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we
have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke
down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six
months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to
him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

---

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter

[Parsakoira]

Okay, so rabbi, priest and a whale went to a bar. First rabbi went to order a drink, he said: "Bartender! I have found my inner peace, so fetch me a cold one!". Then the priest walked at the counter right after rabbi, and said: "A beer for me too, as Ive found my inner enlightment!". Then the whale went to the counter. The bartender looked upon the whale and asks: "Have you too found your inner peace or whatever? Do you want a beer too?" Where the whale answers: HHHRNNYYEEEEEIIIORRGHHHHH!!

[GoGoJojo]

Here's one for today, thought of it this morning, although it probably already existed as a joke.
"What do the Japanese sing on Christmas?"

"Noel."

[Craz]

A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "got any gwapes?"* The bartender says "no" so the duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back, goes up to the bartender, and says, "got any gwapes?" The bartender says "no" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "got any gwapes?" The bartender says "look, duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any grapes yesterday, and we won't have any grapes tomorrow. If you come back in here asking for grapes one more time, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "got any nails?" The bartender says "no." So the duck says, "got any gwapes?"

*because he talks like a duck


Ah, you beat me to it, although I was going to tell it as 'Got any bread'?



Why did Lion get lost?

Because Jungle is massive.

[chaosrocks]

how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
one

and it's not funny!


so.. descarte walks into a bar.
the bartender offers him some mediocre wine.
he says " thanks anyway, but I think not...."
and disappeared
poof

[Raoul Duke]

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who cares, let them cry in the dark.

[Abrodos]

A grandma to her granddaughter:

-What's the name of that german handsome guy that drives me crazy?
-Alzheimer, grandma, and it's a disease.

[Raffix]

An explorer is walking through a jungle one morning when he comes across a huge elephant lying dead in a clearing. Standing on top of the elephant is a pygmy, only 3 feet tall but looking very pleased with himself.

'My god', says the explorer,'did you kill this elephant? It's huge!'
'Oh it was nothing', says the pygmy, 'I just used my club.'
'Wow', says the explorer,' it must be a pretty huge club.'
'Oh yes', says the pygmy, 'there are about 150 of us.'

[Slash]

Knock knock
who's there?
your mom.

[owaispoul]

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Police officer.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying for years.”

[Jason Ross]

Made these up on my way to the dentist.

1.) Photoshop and Painter were going to meet up at a pub to have a few drinks...Photoshop got there fine...Painter crashed on the way there.


2.) Photoshop and Painter were making some food to eat. Photoshop was cutting up some onions and says," Wow Painter, this onion has a ton of layers! Painter says," Oh really?! Let me see. POOF! Painter vanishes.

[BlightedArt]

Why was the elephant pianist crying?

His piano was made of ivory.




Who will be the new superheroes of 2010?

Ctrl, Alt & Delete: They put an end to illegal operations.




A feminist fell into a man-hole.... and she didn't like that.



Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dog.
Dog who?
Woof.

[Quike Garcia]

This man on his forties that goes to the doctor for a check and the doctor realizes he's got a terminal condition.
-"Sir, I'm sorry but you'll have to give up smoking, drinking; no salt, no fats, no red meat, no big excitements, no big emotions.."
-"Will I live longer that way Doctor?"
-"No, but it will really seem so...."

[BlightedArt]

I heard a different version of that joke Quike Garcia:

-"Sir, I'm sorry but you'll have to take it easy, do not get overexcited, surprised or anything that could cause your blood pressure to- ROOAARR ARHAOGHAOGHA!"
-"JESUS CHRIST"
-"Only joking."

[Quike Garcia]

Silly Doctor jokes are classics...

-"Doctor, I've got an ache here"
-"Then move yourself to there"

-"Doctor, I feel a pain in my chest"
-"This is tobacco"
-"Can't be, I keep it in my trousers"

And so on and so on..

[BlightedArt]

A travelling merchant is walking down a road out of town one day, and is surprised to come across something odd-looking further up the way... As he gets closer he realizes that it is a man kneeling down pressing one of his ears against the floor, seemingly listening for something.

When the merchant is closer, he asks the man "what are you doing?"


The man says nothing for a while, and keeps his ear pressed to the floor, after some concentration he eventally says: "... Half a mile from here; one cart, four horses, a family of four and a dog riding the cart..."

The merchant exclaims "That's John's cart and family! How on earth can you tell that just from listening to the ground?"

To which the man replies, "They didn't hear me shout stop, for the love of god, please call a doctor."



P.S. this is my new "Cheer Me Up" thread.

[George Abraham]

http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/20/lol_2.gif



The Cruelest threadbomb ever.


What do you call a fly without legs?

a walk.



Where do you look for your dog that don't have any legs?

Right where you put it last.

[BlightedArt]

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...


Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "*sniff sniff*, do you smell carrots?".



Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, one of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"



And here's one I just whipped up but... well it's lame, and probably already done ^^;

What do you get when you cross an angry boxer and a violent drunk?
An ass-kicking.

[Carnifex]

bad one...:)

when you were born,you also thought you had come into a noble family,didn't you?
why?
because you had a fur collar round your neck.

[BlightedArt]

Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[Randis]

where are the jokes?

[zerdron]

I'm not good at jokes. I'm more on the body language comedy thingy.

[Quike Garcia]

Here's a bad one..

You know why ninja make so horrible lovers?
Because they slip in and out without anybody noticing..

[TASmith]

Best joke today came from that George Carlin Video someone posted from youtube on here.

What's the difference between a maniac and a crazy person?

A maniac will kill 9 people with a steel dildo, all because he didn't like their evil eye.

A crazy person will do the same thing, only he'll do it wearing a pink bunny costume.

[Two Listen]

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, one of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!

Is that Nemu Nemu?

[NanoBlack]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his pants, appearing in great discomfort.

The bartender asks him "be ya ok? You look mighty uncomfortable"

Pirate replies "Yes, I know! It's driving me nuts!"

[TASmith]

*bump*

This just came to me as I was waking up. So, in the story Jack and the Beanstalk, the giant in his cloud castle booms, "Fee, Fy, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!"

So, what would he say if he smelled a Slovak?

[Jacob Kobryn]

A Jewish woman and a Roman Catholic man get married. At the service they invite both the Rabbi from the woman's temple, and the Priest from the man's church. During the reception the Rabbi and the Priest sit together, eat, converse about religion etc. The Priest is eating a big slab of ham and says "it must be a shame that you go your whole life without enjoying pork."
The Rabbi shrugs, "It's hard sometimes I suppose..."
The Priest asks "so have you...ever tried it before?"
"Well I experimented once...in college."
They become silent and pick and their food. The Rabbi says "But it must be had going your whole life celebant."
The Priest looks around, "well I uh...I tried it once...in college before I became a priest."
The Rabbi nods and picks at his meal and then after a moment says, "yeah, hell of a lot better than pork isn't it?"

Things to say to someone who's fly is undone; Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. Your soldier isn't so unknown now. Quasimodo needs to get back in the tower and tend to his bells.

"Would you like to hear a joke? A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "Hi tree! I'm a squirrel, and I forgot to bury nuts so now I am dead." The joke is funny because the squirrel gets dead."

What do you call shooting up a building full of people? A tragedy. What do you call shooting up Fox News headquarters? A humanitarian effort.

[CruShTinbOX]

What do Cher and a pine tree have in common?


They were both nailed by Sonny Bono.

[N D Hill]

What do Cher and a pine tree have in common?


They were both nailed by Sonny Bono.

I always thought someone should find that tree he ran into and nail a sign to it that says "No babe. I got you."


What do you call a chicken coop with four doors?

A chicken sedan

[ExiledRed]

Whats the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits your car's windscreen?

its ass

[Auslander]

Shortly after the communists seized power in an Eastern country, three friends find themselves working in the fields, watching Party members come and go in shiny new cars. "I thought after the Revolution, we'd all be equal," one complains for the fiftieth time. "So why do they get such nice cars?!"

Not wanting trouble, but tired of his grumbling, one of the others says, "I don't know. Why don't you go ask them?"

"I think I will!" the first replies, and sets off to confront a pair of Party members watching them toil. "Hey, comrades!" he says to one. "Why do you ride in comfort while we work in the fields? I thought we were all equal now!"

The Party member grins. "Because we're smarter than you, that's why."

The worker scowls. "What makes you think you're smarter than us?"

"I'll show you," the Party member replies. He leads the worker to a tree, than holds his hand in front of it. "Punch my hand."

As the worker draws back to punch his hand, the Communist quickly pulls it away, and he winds up punching the tree trunk instead, badly injuring his knuckles. Both Party members laugh in his face. "Now, get back to work and think about what you learned here!"

The worker returns to his friends, cradling his wounded limb. "Well, what did they tell you?" one asks.

Before answering, an idea occurs to the worker, and he grins as he replies. "They said they are smarter than us, but now, I am smarter than both of you!"

"How so?" asks his friend.

Still grinning, the worker holds his hand over his face. "Punch my hand!"

[Black Spot]

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm currently at this level.)
































After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[candelabroid]

A samurai master was instructing a young student on Bushido, and the art of swordplay.

The young student was growing confident with his progress, and expressed this to the master.

There was a fly buzzing around the room, and the Master told the student to strike the fly with his sword.

The student stood up, breathed deeply, took a swing at the fly, and missed. He tried again, then again, then again and again.

Finally the student sat back down, defeated, and said, "I can't do it master."

The master stood up, and gracefully swung the sword through the air. The fly continued to buzz around the room, and the master sat down, silently.

The student didn't know what to make of this. After a while he couldn't hold his silence anymore, and said, "But master, you didn't kill the fly!"

And the master said, "He will never reproduce."

[BlightedArt]

Milton Jones:


"I came back from Australia recently. While I was there I learned a new Aboriginal word.... "boo", which means to return.... 'cause when you throw an ordinary meringue...."


-


"The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen...

Fortunately it turned out it was just a field of carrots."


-


"You know when people say in conversations, "Okay, I'll let you go..." to make it sound like you've got better things to do than talk to them, when in actually THEY have better things to do than talk to you and are making you look like the snobby one? Well... next time someone says "I'll let you go" reply with "..... NO."

Then slam the door closed, and if they make a break for the window you grab them by the ankles.... Then as they're dangling four floors above the ground screaming "this has all been a terrible mistake!" Pause for a bit, then say "... Okay, I'll let you go."


-


If you wanna hear more of his stuff (much better to listen than read them), here... best thing about it is they're all genuinely innocent, no swearing in an attempt to pull humor out of a sentence or anything.

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