Anyone Care to Give Me Some Writing feedback/critique? (not homework..)

[Ryan K]

I'm too scared to show it to anyone in real life hah:bashful:. (actually here as well)

Tell me if it's bland and boring, hurt my feelings. I never write, but I've been reading a lot lately and kind of got inspired. I just wanted some opinions, that's all. (It's just a short clip of fiction)

http://rykop.wordpress.com/

Sorry if this isn't the place for me to be whoring about.:)

[magicgoo]

I see some grammar and spelling errors, but the actual story isn't bad. Some lines of text feel like cliches. Not the ideas, but how the ideas are written. The entire piece isn't boring, but I think it needs a little tightening up here and there. For instance, in the first paragraph, I think the odd awareness doesn't so much "become" you, as "overcome" you. Stuff like that. It's a great jump into writing, and I hope you push it further. Good luck!