SVA Statement of Intent

[mangoshell]

i was looking at another thread like this, so i thought "well sure why not".
here is my statement of intent -- I JUST wrote it and it's kind of cheesy. lol

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(been reading Annie Dillard, can you tell? lol)
okay, so i was wondering whether I should cut it off at "It is still growing" and leave it at that for a WOAHH DRAMATIC CHOPPY SENTENCE ending effect. should I? or do i need to include the school?
Also, I need to do something about this sentenceparagraph: " This is me: a girl, seventeen years of age, who grew up in an American military..."

Are they looking for longer essays? because mine is about 343 words (292 if you exclude the last paragraph).

Thanks :)

[aguilas990]

Hey mango. I actually liked your essay, it's not as cliche as most of these personal statements tend to be. There are a few grammatical problems that I saw just from one read that need to be corrected. I put the corrections in bold.

These are moments I love; I want to express them in the way I love.

The idea of capturing these moments, scene by scene, and putting them together to create a moving picture has intrigued me since I was little OR younger.

This is me: a girl, seventeen years old, who grew up in an American military base in Seoul, Korea for sixteen years and then moved to Virginia, who likes playing tennis and actually enjoys being in the marching band, and dreams of having a career in animation one day. This not clearly written and a bit of a run-on sentence. I would break it up into 2-3 sentences.

It has provided me a comfort when I first moved halfway across the world to where I am today. Not a grammatical correction, but this is the most interesting part of the essay, and I would go very much deeper into this. Describing this life experience will help set your essay apart.


That's all I got, I wish you luck getting in!