Are You Shy? Looking for Tips

[Toxdel]

Ok, well...frankly I'm a terribly shy person, and I have a really hard time talking to new people. Once I get to know a person I start to warm up and become less afraid of showing my personality. Usually though its the other person who has to speak first otherwise I wouldn't be friends with or know anyone :P. I was at an opening party for college just now and as always I'm the guy in the corner alone looking both sad and creepy at the same time because he's just sitting there with no one to talk to... but I'm ranting.

Anyway I was wondering if anyone had any tips for people who are shy by nature; and ways of getting past it. People have told me "just start talking" but I can't seem to pull myself together enough to do that with complete strangers. I was also wondering if anyone else here is really shy. I've heard creative types tend to be introverts by nature and was wanting to confirm this. I have a friend who is always bragging about how easy it is for him to talk to girls; when I ask how he does it he never seems to be of any help. Oh, and did I mention I was ESPECIALLY shy around women? Its something I really need to get over if I ever want to meet someone. :D

- Funny how I don't have this problem on the internet :P

[IanE]

The human being is not shy by nature, but conditioned so by external (or irrational internal) influences and only believes that they are shy, when the reality of things is, they just aren't willing to go balls out and do something.

All you have to do is literally just decide you want to start talking to people. You aren't shy by nature, you're shy by choice, so you have to choose not to be and presto.

Change is immediate and easy, no matter the situation. People just think it takes time, takes effort, takes hard work or a complex solution but it doesn't... it just takes a decision.

[daestwen]

Um, I'm totally the same way.

You can ask the people from the Seattle workshop. I'm really, really shy until you start talking to me and then I realise you're not just going to glare at me for living. :)

I don't have any recommended cures... 'Just start talking' doesn't work when that's the problem in the first place!

Usually I just bring an out-going friend who will introduce me to people. ;)

[Psychotime]

Lolz that story sounds familiar...

[Jason Rainville]

I was at an opening party for college just now and as always I'm the guy in the corner alone looking both sad and creepy at the same time because he's just sitting there with no one to talk to

No fucking way man, that's my job, you go get your own.

My solution is staying home and introducing large amounts of beer and chocolate into my system while either whittling away at art until my hands are ground down into hilariously polished nubs or smashing buttons on the input for my chosen electronic escapism device in a vain attempt to shut the problem out of my socially stunted, chemically imbalanced, sugar-and-alcohol powered BRAIN.

The jury is still out on whether that's the right route to take :)

(oh and I use humour as a coping mechanism, so flippity fart lollipop.)
-----------------------------

I guess I should be helpful so here's a delicious nugget of information from one hopeless nerd to another;

I forget where I heard this, and even though it might not help with your actual PERFORMANCE around other people it certainly helped me in relaxing myself enough to actually not sweat liquid terror and that is; imagine that you are the fucking guy Who's the guy? You know who they guy is; he goes on adventures and does cool shit, he's the guy people find interesting even if he HAS no adventures to talk about. You have to believe that you're the guy, someone who deserves attention because yes, you are that awesome.

Now I'm not advising you to go up to people and start conversations about how awesome you think you are, but that self delusion will help you think that people actually want to hear what you have to say. How you get into an actual conversation, shit, don't ask me. But imagining you're the guy when you are in one will definitely help you relax.

[NoSeRider]

I'm only shy around bombastic narcissistic control freaks....till I get angry at the bombastic narcissistic control freak.

People don't seem to realize how frik'n oppressive they can be.

[Mirana]

Speaking as someone who was a complete and total introvert in public and now so far in the opposite spectrum that people flat out do not believe I was ever quiet, it takes ONE thing...

Have confidence in yourself. Love yourself.

That's it. Really. Once you are completely comfortable and confident in yourself, you give off that air and people respect you and are drawn to you. You could be the craziest dressed, the one who says all the wrong things...but if YOU buy it, then everyone else will too.

If you wear baggy clothes and hide behind hats/hoods/hair, or walk always hunched over and looking down...that body language says it all. You'll be surprised how people treat you differently if you pay attention to these things and change them. :)

Change is immediate and easy, no matter the situation.

I disagree. We have habits. We can't always see ourselves as others do to even figure out what the right change to be made is.

[IanE]

I disagree. We have habits. We can't always see ourselves as others do to even figure out what the right change to be made is.

Why? What does the habit have to do with any of this? Nothing. The entire point to all of this is choice, or the lack thereof. The habit exists and continues through choice, just as anyone's good habits do. Change is absolutely immediate, though. Once you've made the decision and you finish the thought in your head, it can be final and tangible right then and there. It's the truth. If you don't like eating tomatoes, it won't take you years of bad dining experiences to stop. If you prefer white shirts over black shirts, you wouldn't slowly ween yourself from one to the other, you would make an immediate, conscious decision to make that change, and that's all it takes. The scenario is irrelevant.

If one is aware of their habits, then they can see themselves in an outward perception, and even more, habits are voluntary.

[•Lindsay•]

People never get over the feeling, every former shy person I have talked to has only learned to put on an act. The feeling is still there, but it can get less intense over time.

The world has a lot of bad advice about this kind of thing. Like, "just be yourself!" I already am myself. The only helpful thing I have found is this website (http://www.succeedsocially.com/).

Shyness is an irrational fear, and you can't rationalize an irrational fear. Once your mind is set one way, it takes a lot of time and effort to change it. It's not just a matter of wanting to change. You can't wish genuine confidence into existence. You have to monitor your thoughts and it's kind of tiring.

I'm actually better than I used to be. Now I'm just a somewhat quiet but still normal person. As a teenager I used to hyperventilate and stuff. And when I was a kid, I was such a wimp. Even when I was miserable I wouldn't complain about anything, I never talked back when people insulted me (happened pretty often). Once, I think I glared at someone... another time I intentionally threw a basketball out of court. I was such a rebellious child. I was very reluctant to join the world outside of my head, and one of my favorite pastimes was staring blankly into space when I was supposed to be listening to someone. I'm amazed I had any friends at all.

One of the things that helps is writing. Writing to yourself and writing on the internet both work. Your writing skills influence your speaking skills.

[Costau D]

I'm still a little shy, but i'm coming to the ultimate realization... Why give a shit what other people think about you? Just be yourself and the friends will come. You don't have to please everyone.

[Jason Rainville]

IanE, I also disagree. And rhyme.

Let's talk about habits. Habits, if repeated often enough, make said action second nature. Rather, it makes it your nature. One simply doesn't 'decide' to all of a sudden draw figures as if they were just hit with a Leonardo stick, it takes practice to undo all the bad habits one learns in drawing, like putting eyes at the top of the head or making legs perfectly straight. How can you say that it takes no time whatsoever to undo the damage caused by the repeated habits performed for a person's entire life?

If I all of a sudden chose to go balls out and force myself to talk to people, enter social situations etc (which I HAVE, with disastrous effects) I would still feel as awkward as I would if someone approached me out of the blue. Actually no, I'd feel awkward ten ties over since I'm forcing myself to approach everyone and talk about shit that I don't care about.

That surely is a decision, but it's not an immediate cure, it's a facade, it's Jason Rainville as Jason Rainville in: The guy who tried too hard. It doesn't solve anything in the long term. Changing your view CAN be a decision, but it's a decision to go through the long process of learning something completely different through, you guessed it, habits. Just like rendering a perfect deltoid it takes a long time.

If your view on habits were correct, we'd all draw like marko, sing like crosby and dance like jackson because all we had to do was decide to.

[Costau D]

It's just another skill.

There we go. :D

[Mike Frank]

One thing I've discovered that helps me with these kinds of situations:

You can give into your fearful emotions and anxieties

or

you can act despite your fear - grow, be more truthful about who you are, and be proud of who you are

If you have the right motivation there is really no good reason for reacting to your fear, its only a hindrance. When you know what you want - then you know it will be worth suffering through the anxieties you have to stomach.

Also you have to have a light sense of yourself.. realize it is ok to become embarassed and don't overreact to your blunders or when people bust on you. Everyone has their faults.. if you can laugh at yourself than it keeps you honest. Nothing wrong with that.

[IanE]

If your view on habits were correct, we'd all draw like marko, sing like crosby and dance like jackson because all we had to do was decide to.

That's all they had to do :/

They chose to achieve a positive goal. They made a decision to the be best, then followed the necessary steps to achieve that. And I agree, that sort of thing doesn't just happen overnight, it takes practice, but something so simple and easy like just being shy/nervous/anxious/introverted is much more simple to "correct," suggesting you find it needs any correcting, and truly is immediate and easy.

The most important above all though, is it isn't BAD to be shy. There's absolutely nothing negative about it, what I'm saying is if somebody says to themselves that they don't like that aspect about their character, then, and only then, should THEY deem it something worth changing, not any outside source.

[ArtZealot]

I've been "shy" my whole life. I've had similar problems in my day, i had friends who were pretty outgoing and i have always been shy around strangers, it's just how i am. Once i warm up to people and have seen them a few times, i'm comfortable enough to talk but yeah, its normal to be like that. I had a lot of friends who were really outgoing all through high school and i half expected i was supposed to be like that, but once i moved away to college i found that, that was pretty normal, and a hell of a lot of people are like that. Pretty much everyone is shy in their own respect, everyone has their own insecurites , and everyone hides and shows them off in different ways. Take anyone out of their comfort zone and they'll be shy. It took my awhile to realise it but the best thing to do is just don't expect to have to be a certain way, just be who you are and roll with it.

[romance]

Tip - Alcohol

[DavePalumbo]

Tip - Alcohol

hahaha, yeah, sad but true, it does loosen the shy reflexes

[•Lindsay•]

Alchohol makes me even more quiet and boring. It probably does the same thing to some other people... right?

That's all they had to do :/

They chose to achieve a positive goal. They made a decision to the be best, then followed the necessary steps to achieve that. And I agree, that sort of thing doesn't just happen overnight, it takes practice, but something so simple and easy like just being shy/nervous/anxious/introverted is much more simple to "correct," suggesting you find it needs any correcting, and truly is immediate and easy.

The most important above all though, is it isn't BAD to be shy. There's absolutely nothing negative about it, what I'm saying is if somebody says to themselves that they don't like that aspect about their character, then, and only then, should THEY deem it something worth changing, not any outside source.Nobody seems to know what the steps for overcoming shyness are, and that might have something to do with the steps being different for every person. Finding the right thing to do is not easy at all. If you do the wrong thing it only worsens your anxiety and you dig yourself deeper and deeper. It's really bad to be shy, when you are shy you are helpless. If you decide it's not bad and just ignore it, it can just get worse. Imagine you're lost, and you are scared of asking directions. So you remain lost for hours. I know it sounds insane, but this is the kind of thing that happens when you let your seemingly harmless anxiety grow.

[Soupandbutter]

but something so simple and easy like just being shy/nervous/anxious/introverted is much more simple to "correct,"
lol, a comment like this could only be said by an extrovert.

[Costau D]

Tip - Alcohol

That's why I carry around a flask labeled "social anxiety juice".

[Mirana]

People never get over the feeling, every former shy person I have talked to has only learned to put on an act.

I still have some tendancies left over from being an introvert (hate phones, rather stay in on days off), but the extrovert me is most certainly NOT an act! The shy me was the act!

If you are a different person at home with family and close friends, then I believe that's the "real" you. The shy person you are in public is just so said public will ignore you and leave you alone.

Why give a shit what other people think about you?

That's the other thing that helped me. I learned to identify specifically what upset or embarassed me and went about dissecting it. Do I really care what so-n-so thinks of my hair? Pfft, no. Then why would I be embarassed if so-n-so said something about it? It also helped later when I had to work with the public...I never got flustered b/c I knew I didn't give a crap what someone else's issues were, they had nothing to do with me. :D

Alchohol makes me even more quiet and boring. It probably does the same thing to some other people... right?

It does different things to different people...:shrug:

Imagine you're lost, and you are scared of asking directions. So you remain lost for hours. I know it sounds insane, but this is the kind of thing that happens when you let your seemingly harmless anxiety grow.

Geez. A friend of mine had that happen when she came to visit me. She called her mom in another state to drive an hr away and find her because she wouldn't go into a gas station to ask directions. :/

[•Lindsay•]

I still have some tendancies left over from being an introvert (hate phones, rather stay in on days off), but the extrovert me is most certainly NOT an act! The shy me was the act!

If you are a different person at home with family and close friends, then I believe that's the "real" you. The shy person you are in public is just so said public will ignore you and leave you alone.That's a good point. I've always been very outgoing with family and friends.

[TASmith]

Shyness is nice but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you want to.

[bhanu]

Yknow as a kid and a teenager...I was so shy...even more with girls around... And nobody knew that I used to draw...but in late teen years..people around started really taking notice...of me..and my art.....that build such confidence...in myself...dat now I can talk anywhere..with anyone ..regardless of anything..I sweetalk to all the ladies around me...hell soem time back... There was a speech and show in cour college a few months back..the original speaker turned ill and I was chosen to do it...I went on stage infront of 400-500 people... and spoke...nervousness dint even last five seconds..... And its all because of the confidence i have in myself,
SO be confident.....be positive....be nice.....smile....treat everyone as a a friend..its hard at first...being open to all... but its fun and you make friend with some wonderful..some not so.. but wat the hell..you meet more beuatiful girls that way....

[Aila]

Introversion, I love it and I hate it :D

Self confidence is the key (or, one of the keys). Shyness isn't introversion; I myself am very introverted, but only a bit shy, which depends on the situation. A smile can work wonders.

but something so simple and easy like just being shy/nervous/anxious/introverted is much more simple to "correct,"

haha, I went out with a guy not too long ago who said therapy could help (against introversion). Needless to say that didn't last long :teeth:

My point being, self-acceptance and self-confidence has helped me :) Sure, I'm not the most social person, in fact, I talk a lot more to people over the net than in "real life", and I rarely go out, but I can make friends easily if I want to.
Approaching complete strangers to strike a conversation though... this I'm still stuck with xD I try to get people to come over to me. :P

[Cepro]

Once you realize, that with enough dedication you can do anything in art, you might realise, that the world is just there in front of you and you just have to take that one step, if you wanted to, you could master anything you try. It won't "cure" you, but realizing that will give you some confidence.

[chriskot]

I used to have the same shyness problem, but I've mostly gotten over it now.

I feel the need for a very systematic approach for pretty much everything. The stuff everyone above has said is all awesome advice, but I'm going to talk about it slightly differently. What I have below is (as silly/insane as it sounds) pretty much a step-by-step approach to how I got over my shyness.

I found that the number one way to become more comfortable talking with strangers is to do so more often. It just comes with practice. If you really, really can't get yourself to start a conversation (as used to be my case), make it so that others want to talk to you. Just appear interesting. Draw in public, build something somewhere, be the friend of the guy performing on stage, whatever. I found that even wearing tie-dye clothing gets more people taking to you. It doesn't matter what you do, just look like the kind of person that someone would want to strike up a conversation with. Assertiveness and self-confidence are key, of course, because you have to keep the conversation going. Pretend that you've known them for a while when you speak to them.

The easiest kinds of strangers to strike up conversation with are friends of friends, classmates, or members of some group that you associate with. They probably share a few interests with you, so you have plenty of stuff to talk about. You should have a topic ready before you even say hi or introduce yourself to someone, since it's hard to talk about absolutely nothing for very long.

After that you just basically work your way up and start talking to stranger and stranger people. It became easy pretty quickly after that for me. Just look for excuses to chat. Ask someone for the time, hold a door for someone, offer to help a person struggling with something, etc.

I still have a fairly difficult time talking to some people but I've got it pretty much down.

[M.C.Barrett]

I think my biggest hangup is not that people won't want to talk to me, but rather that I won't want to talk to them. I do have very close friends, and they can assure me that I'm not particularly self-centered, but without external reference I can very easily convince myself that I'm a jerk and they're better off without me bothering them. My shyness seems to be rooted in excessive internal dialogue that forms a barrier to impulsive behavior. I think we're all equipped with a basic starter kit for social interaction, it's just that pesky brain getting in the way, trying to prove its acumen for figuring shit out ahead of reality. The trick is in taking hold of that internal dialogue before it becomes a fact. I have to catch my thoughts all the time and direct them to the nearest meat-grinder lest they poison me against action. I have to remind myself that I'm not nearly as good at figuring other people out at first encounter as my brain thinks I am. I make myself try new things. If I get an inkling, I act on it before I rationalize my way out of it. I haven't quite worked my way up to people yet, but if you told me 5 years ago that I'd have performed karaoke in front of hundreds of people before I was 30, I'd have told you to go to hell.

People respond readily when someone is interested in their opinion, which is probably the most crucial aspect of overcoming shyness. People want a chance to reveal who they are, to whatever degree. We have avatars, signatures, bumper stickers, hats, t-shirts, any number of things we employ specifically to reveal some aspect of our personality. Ask-me buttons. Stop that poisonous dialogue and just... ask. People like to be asked.

[Lex.W]

Heh, I guess I'm a different kind of shy, whilst I don't particularly mind meeting new people, I won't approach strangers or anything. Also I have confidence when it comes to public speaking or talking within a group of people, but I can't seem to hold an individual conversation, which my friends find weird as I'm quite talkative when there's more than one person around. But yeah, with one on one conversation I usually don't want to say anything, and after failed smalltalk and awkward silence, it usually makes me feel quite awkward.

But I regress, I think I've vented rather than trying to pose an answer for your problem. I used to be an awkward public speaker, with low confidence and everything, but that helped me get over it, was, in my own words; to put on a mask and just pretend I had confidence, and to be honest it's the next best thing to having confidence.
But I don't think that one person's solution will work for another one's problem, so I wish you luck, and hope this post at least tried to help :).

[Sorknes]

Heh, I'm the other way around. I was extremely social and outgoing when younger, and now I'm the cavebear that is only lured out if somebody offers a bloody raw steak... :P

There's phobias, there's mental reasons, etc, but overall I think it might have something to do with choices and needs as well. I moved when I was 17, I was on my own, and I spent the first day at school wandering in a haze, alone. I was then kidnapped by my new class (which had already been together for a year), and from thereon I made a pretty conscious choice about me needing to be extrovert to get along in my environment.

Somewhere I decided that it wasn't needed anymore, and I went back to my natural state of being, being social when it fits me, not everybody else, and not talking to people I have no interest in whatsoever in the first place.

I think you might have to figure out *why* you're shy though. Is it because you get sweaty and nervous, because you don't think you have talking skills, or is it something else? I basically just don't have the need to talk to people, which I didn't find out before years after my "tender teens" ;) If that's the case, it's not that hard, it's just a matter of finding a person or two to build a "base" with, and take it from there. Just don't try to get to know the whole crowd at once :P

If it's other reasons though, like mental or something else, I can't help you much...

[Mossi]

Being a shy guy also, there´s a good motto that's helped me throughout the years and kinda boosted my confidence in meeting other people:

"I'd rather people hated me for what I am rather than love me for what I am not"

... imo there´s no need to be anxious when meeting other people, you are you.. yourself, some people like you, some people don't.. but people will respect you for being yourself..

though however hard it may be, don't let past experiences get in you way.. perhaps you *did* something stupid once when you were meeting new people.. but it doesn't mean you *are* stupid

if you are a geek, then be a geek! Eat five pounds of concentrated geekiness a day and shower in it!

You're the sweaty type? Lose the sweater.. (... uh poor choice of words.. but i mean the clothing)

Be proud of who you are

[s.ketch]

Its alright to be afraid to talk to people, it's not something that will change overnight so just get comfortable with that fear. One thing you can do while learning to overcome that fear is to give the appearance that you're not shy at all. Don't look at it as "not being yourself" or living a lie, because changing certain behaviors will inspire change within your personality.

You have to realize that everyone, even strangers, are human. Treat them like people and they will open up to you with no problem. To get used to interacting with people, practice on strangers or people you know you'll never see again. That way, if you "mess up" you wont have to deal with them day to day.

People respond to confidence, if you act afraid then it makes people weary of you. Look at your body language, do you fidget? Do you put your hands in your pockets? Do you slouch or hang your head? To show confidence in yourself, stand tall. When walking or standing always keep your hands relaxed and at your sides, that is a huge sign of confidence. Keep your chin up and back straight. Your body language says a lot about you and most people notice it even subconsciously.

Another thing to work on would be eye contact. When you're out in public, make eye contact with people. Dont stare, but just glance into another persons eyes. It shows that you notice them there and asserts your own existence. Then when you feel good about that, nod to people or greet them. Then not only are you acknowledging their presence, your then showing a friendly greeting. In a more intimate situation, like a party, by this point most people will be very willing to talk to you.

But the whole point im working to is that once you make these changes then you actually do feel better about yourself and more comfortable in social situations. I know from personal experience, I used to be so shy I wouldn't order my own food at a restaurant. Just give people the time of day and they will be more willing to interact with you which makes your job easier.

Eventually, it will get to the point where meeting new people is exciting. Everyone has a story to tell and a new insight to bring to the table. Not to mention, other people's lives and experiences can be great inspiration for art.

[Nam]

In your boat OP, but I'm getting a lot better about it. What I think about is that a lot of people have the same sort of doubts and inhibitions as you do, they've got their own problems and wars. They put their pants on one leg at a time, etc. I think we get more afraid of your built up perception of them and forget there's a person behind all of it. A flesh and blood being.

[tomwaits4noman]

i think everyone gets shy some people just hide it better than others

if you find yourself in situations where you have to confront your shyness over time it becomes less of an issue.

one way I did it was to do sales thankfully only for a few months years back, a loathsome job but it helps me get over my shyness talking to strangers trying to relate to them so you can sell them shit they don't need.

I had to go to seminar once and the head boss said that when he started out he would read the papers, keep tabs on sport little conversation bits.

I hate soccer but still flick through the papers remember key bits same with rugby.. bits of news etc why cos they are good conversation starts.

when you try to have a conversation you're probably worried about what people will think of you... which is pointless because 90% of the time the conversation will be about some thing small like the weather that doesn't reflect on you

a trick I found is to imagine a more confident outgoing version of you and use that persona when talking to people.

A lot of shyness has to do with body language tone of voice stance ths affects how people react to you.

thats my two cent...

I spent years in years in the corner at parties in my comfort zone, its nice but it limits who you might meet, you might meet some one really interesting or the love of your life.

Alcohol may loosen you up but I think it only magnifies what you are feeling at the time, there is always cocaine.... (I am joking btw)

[Jabo]

I think my biggest hangup is not that people won't want to talk to me, but rather that I won't want to talk to them. I do have very close friends, and they can assure me that I'm not particularly self-centered, but without external reference I can very easily convince myself that I'm a jerk and they're better off without me bothering them. My shyness seems to be rooted in excessive internal dialogue that forms a barrier to impulsive behavior. I think we're all equipped with a basic starter kit for social interaction, it's just that pesky brain getting in the way, trying to prove its acumen for figuring shit out ahead of reality. The trick is in taking hold of that internal dialogue before it becomes a fact. I have to catch my thoughts all the time and direct them to the nearest meat-grinder lest they poison me against action. I have to remind myself that I'm not nearly as good at figuring other people out at first encounter as my brain thinks I am. I make myself try new things. If I get an inkling, I act on it before I rationalize my way out of it. I haven't quite worked my way up to people yet, but if you told me 5 years ago that I'd have performed karaoke in front of hundreds of people before I was 30, I'd have told you to go to hell.

People respond readily when someone is interested in their opinion, which is probably the most crucial aspect of overcoming shyness. People want a chance to reveal who they are, to whatever degree. We have avatars, signatures, bumper stickers, hats, t-shirts, any number of things we employ specifically to reveal some aspect of our personality. Ask-me buttons. Stop that poisonous dialogue and just... ask. People like to be asked.

True words there! It's been a long way until I figured that I had built up a wall around myself for me to hide behind and not being bothered. I always knew I had that wall around me, but never understood that it wasn't neccessarily good just because I had build it myself. Shyness is nothing more but an exaggerated form of security. It becomes a problem because most of the time, you don't need that much of security. Giving up that security is a long and stressful process, but in the end you are probably better off than most self-confident people, because you can use your sense for security for your own needs, but aren't a slave of it.

Practical tips have already been given. The first is to build up your self-confidence by identifying smaller "security habits" and exchange them with another, contrary behaviour. Mirana pointed out clothes. Baggys, black color, hats, everything that makes you feel safe. Put it off for a while and dress fitted. You can always come back to the prior clothing styles once you know how to use them wisely :)

[NoSeRider]

I often find that if you are 'not' aggressive and 'not'out going people take it as a character flaw and treat you like you're inferior or something.

Eventually, you have to counter act that perception. Aggressive people seem to respect other aggressive people....and being shy with them doesn't seem to cut it, with those snarling beasts.

When I was growing up I was told 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'. I think that contributed to my shyness because I was afraid of shattering somebody's fragile ego and being pummeled to death, but aggressive people don't seem to be too concerned about egos or feelings or anything beyond goal, especially self assessed, oriented tasks.

I think being shy is a mark of being aware of other people. I think if you don't have some sort of shyness, you're probably oblivious to other people except yourself.

[J Wilson]

Artists spend a lot of time, alone, developing their art. It's just not usually a group activity. When other people are doing group things, we're often alone working on our skills, so I'm not surprised if artists sometimes end up in this group. On the other hand, confidence is the anti-shyness, and as artists get good, they KNOW they are good, and so I've met a lot of good artists who seem to have zero shyness issues, and tons of confidence.

A few things you can do:

- Realize (and I mean really think about it) that EVERYONE has their insecurities. Even people you wouldn't expect. Shy around women? Realize that pretty girls are some of the most insecure people around a lot of the time. When you really start seeing other people's insecurities you can start dismissing your own as not so different. There have been times when I felt like some pretty girl didn't want to talk to me, or that she was avoiding me, but it later turned out to just be HER shyness.

- Most shyness is fear. If you are afraid of not knowing what to say, then prepare a couple conversation openers so you always have something to go to. Beware conversation dead ends, or ones so generic that no one really wants to discuss it. "What do you do for a living?" Argh, every time I hear someone use that as a conversation opener I cringe (even though I have a more interesting answer than most people). You can prepare a list of stuff that you are interested in enough to carry a conversation on, that might be equally interesting to others. "Hey, did you see the new Batman? Do you think Heath Ledger's Joker might be one of the best movie villains of all time?" From there you can talk about the Batman movie, other movie villains, Heath Ledger, or something else completely as long as the ball has started rolling. It may feel unnatural to prepare conversation material ahead of time, but do whatever you need to feel comfortable, and removing one fear (the fear of having nothing to talk about) will make you more at ease.

- Practice. Shyness isn't a quality of your personality. It's lack of a skill, and it's something that can be practiced and improved. Start small, by just saying a few extra words to people you encounter during the day. If some sales clerk during the course of the day asks you how you are, reply back with sincerity. Ask about THEIR day. Make solid eye contact and smile. We're getting too impersonal in our day to day lives with strangers anyways, so make an effort to connect now and then, especially if they seem interesting. We're all just people, not much different from each other.

- If someone really doesn't seem to want to talk to you, realize there are a million reasons why that could be that have nothing to do with you. They might not be feeling well, they could be upset over a personal problem, or they could just be very unpleasant people. All of those things really have nothing to do with you, so shrug them off. In reality, if you make an honest effort to be sincere you'll find 90% of people are very approachable. No one is going to give you a hard time, and the few that do you can ignore because 90% of those have nothing to do with you.

[Qitsune]

I agree with J Wilson, social skills are just like art skills, you have to work for them. Some have it easier than others, but everyone can improve.

I took a training to become a trainer last year and the others in the class were all telling me that:"Well, you are so lucky, it's easy for you to speak in front of the class." It pretty much pissed me off, I've been conscious of my shyness from an early age and I've been doing oratory/speech contests from 4th grade and taking theater and drama classes and doing impro. I'm not lucky, I worked hard. And just because I'm not whinning continually doesn't mean it easy either.

[Trefle]

oooh *signs up*

:P
yeah, I have a problem with that too....I am so nervous when talking to people who's not close friend, and even to them, I'm sometimes...repetitive. Actually I'm able to talk quite well, but it's so..damn polite that using it in ordinary speaking (unless with strangers) would be very strange. Add the repetitive part and... I've noticed this but...yea, still trying to learn. Yes, I'm afraid of what people will think about me, BUT sometimes I'm also afraid that I've crossed the line and being annoying.

Still, for me, I think the best would be slowly training. I can't do a sudden personality change without feeling and looking fake. So my self-consciousness is used to reflect and improve myself.

the "I don't give a shit" works sometimes, but it actually depends to who are you speaking to, and your actual condition... I mean, if they are people we're trying to impress, it's best to have worry just a little about yourself. Also, we can't be too...ignorant. I mean, maybe the fault is in us (or maybe not, maybe it's them). If they said that I'm fat, and messy, maybe I am looking messy AND fat.

Fixing it should NOT for impressing them, however. Fix it for yourself :P Think of it as accepting who you are and improving yourself.

However, I admit that not giving any damn about people works sometimes..I tried my best, if you don't like it, well, sorry then.

[Izi]

the other person cannot hurt you. start there. believe it.

[Trefle]

the other person cannot hurt you. start there. believe it.

O_O; really? I mean, that other person who didn't like us can certainly hurt us..

I don't know, maybe I am taking this wrong, but for me this feels like going out the street with thoughts that "nothing would hurt me, I'm safe!"

[Ilaekae]

Most people are afraid to make a fool of themselves. I glory in it. I've been shy in social situations all my life, but discovered if I inadvertently did something stupid, it may not have solved the immediate problem/situation embarrassment-wise, but it gave me one hell of an excuse to talk for the next time. The greatest opening line of my life is, "I can't believe what a fuckin' idiot I was yesterday..." ("yesterday" being the operative word here... :P )

I grew up small, ugly, shy and completely uncoordinated. One day I looked in the mirror and said, "Damn! It can't get any worse than this, so what do you have to lose, you asshole!" It's been a glorious slide downhill at top speed ever since...

A while back, my 20-ish nephew got married and my younger sister (serious mother of two) who is actually very shy, got up and gave a little speech, at the end of which she said...

"Oh! And I wanna know if incest is still illegal because my big brother and I have been sleeping together for 30 years and I think it's time we made each other honest people by getting married." There is nothing in the world like 125 people (most of whom you don't know) doing a face palm simultaneously... :P

[VulgarDragon]

This is not something that I usually mention to public, but I have always had trouble meeting new people, mainly because I'm deaf and can't communicate easily. It sucks that if I want to talk to people, I can't just go up to someone and say something. I feel so self-conscious every time I tell people that I am deaf...I get so many different reactions from people. I got tired of it and gave up most of my social life. I'm normal in every other way, and I love people, but it is just too much hassle to try to meet people, knowing that some of them would treat me differently.

If any of you had been wondering why I am never on Vent, now you know.

[Ilaekae]

Trust me...concerning VENT, your situation is probably a gift of the gods... :P

[Jazz]

VENT... O_O Hmmm! MCross, that's interesting! o_o I also find it hard talking about a disability or condition to someone, having to let them know.

I've been shy for so long, and unhappy because of it. The reason was mainly because I was alienated from people when I was little. I mean, I was a rarity--a Black person with albinism, nearly totally blind. I WANTED to make friends with other kids and stuff, but so many treated me mean, and even some adults did. I had some great friends and yet the pain of what the majority would say got me stuffing myself into a shell.

I'd been especially shy with other Black people, because some of my peers and even adults were worse to me at times. For me, the shyness was a trust thing. I wondered if I was doing everything wrong, and why I was so clumsy and kids got mad at me. My brain (I felt) was all I had going for me, and even THEN I was mocked.

Hey, even trying to be bad to fit in didn't work. Nothing worked, only folding into myself. Problem is, I let that shyness grow, and everytime friends or family would laugh at something clumsy or stupid that I did, I would hide my skills and hide my efforts. I never tried hard enough because I didn't want that attention. I lost out on many good opportunities that would've made me feel great about myself.

Now, after being so depressed from not opening up the way I wish I had, I'm finally trusting others and socializing. I do it rather cautiously, but I do try. Fight or flight, and sometimes I opt to fight. Most times I still cower in fright, and I even do it online, because words to me look so harsh, harsher than faces. XD I know shyness can be lonely, and I like being by myself at times, but not lonely. After a while, I learned not to put so much attention on myself, just walk and talk and smile...just because I felt that way. And people soon smiled back. Even kids were on my good side.

I've always had to push myself extra hard if I wanted to overcome shyness when I'd sing to a congregation or something. I'm slowly learning to just come out and let the muscles relax, breathe deeply. It's something tough to do, but if you feel tense enough, every encounter you have with anyone might seem worse and make you want to shy away more. As others have said, you do need practice to overcome those situations.

I think one of the best experiences I had to overcome shyness was the job up in Northern Alberta, where the winters will keep everyone together. :P I had no choice but to do calls, emails and in-person meetings with employees at the job. You do it enough (and you need some kind of incentive...like mine: I'll be out of here in four months with money!!), and you'll overcome shyness no matter what condition you may have or what situation you'll be in.

Truthfully, I'm still shy around CA. I'm shy because I haven't done any art for a while, and know so little about what people talk about here. I feel dumb! Whenever I feel dumb anywhere, I also get really bashful. :)

Oh, shoot. Well, rambling aside, I hope that sharing this helps somehow!

[VulgarDragon]

Trust me...concerning VENT, your situation is probably a gift of the gods... :P

LOL. You probably don't have any idea of how many people come up to me and tell me that they wished that they were deaf, too. I guess it does help me to concentrate better on art and free my mind up for other things.

JazzW, I totally understand what you are talking about. I've had to force myself to realize that not all people are judgmental, and to take chances. I've found that most people are very understanding, and don't care if you have a disability or is a little different. Sure, you will run into some who are total jerks, but the truth is that you will never know whether the person is friendly or not unless you actually talk to the person. Still, I feel awkward about going to any social gatherings full of people I don't know.

I guess you have to understand that in a world of almost 7 billion people, people can afford to be fickle about who they want to be friends with, there will always be some that will never be your friend, but most will. And if they don't like you for who you are...their loss.

[ALH]

I'm a bit weird when it comes to this topic. For years i had really bad confidence and was terrified people would hate me, so i never said a word. Then i stopped caring what people thought, and now i will literally burst in on someones conversation if theyre sitting behind me in a lecture theatre or are talking about vidya games in a shop.

Theres a bit of a line though, i can only be talkative and outgoing around nerdy type people. With 'normal' sorts i kinda dry up and dont have anything to say - especially if theyre a whole lot older than me. I mean i COULD make small talk about the weather or something, but it bores me to death. I dont watch Tv and my taste in movies isnt really ...'average', so around family members especially i'm mute. Get me in a room full of geeks and i'm shouting and screaming and jumping about ...in a polite and civilized way of course..when i have to be :D

EDIT- Damn, forgot to round it off

The thing which helped me in the end was the internet. It seems a bit of a crazy thing to say, since im sure the internet is something which has stopped me from getting off my ass and making friends in the first place- but coming to forums and image boards etc, and exposing onesself to a vast range of other people really desensitises you to the idea of being scared of other people, or scared of going up and saying something since its no different to what we do here every day.

I only wish i had the confidence i do now back when i was at college, as far as im aware theres nowhere for me to meet people <i>like me</i> round here so i have to sit alone until i get an art job..and god knows how long thats going to take D:

[Jazz]

You're so right, Mike. People overall can be so welcoming and warm, no matter what. ^_^ There are many that I'm glad to know already! True enough about being picky, though! And I too have a problem at first with new social situations. My voice decides to stop working sometimes. :P

ALH, Hee hee hee!!! Now, to picture the running, jumping type of "nerd"... That sounds awesome to me!! ^___^

[Mirana]

I mean, if they are people we're trying to impress, it's best to have worry just a little about yourself. Also, we can't be too...ignorant. I mean, maybe the fault is in us (or maybe not, maybe it's them). If they said that I'm fat, and messy, maybe I am looking messy AND fat.

Hmm, except you impress people best when you love who you are. If you're doing something different to impress someone, it's not going to last long b/c it's not you. That's not a foundation for a long-term relationship (friend or otherwise).

And on the "fat and messy" thing... If someone calls you out on something, you have to be objective. Take a look at it. Do I LIKE my size? Do I LIKE my style? Then who gives a crap if THEY think I'm "fat and messy?" You need to own these things about yourself. If you find that YOU don't like your body type, then do something to change it because YOU want to (not that you'll be able to change something about yourself if you don't want to anyway). I've had many friends who were "large" or had fashion made up from the chariy store...who had complete self-confidence and who were flat out gorgeous--no issues getting relationships.

Most people are afraid to make a fool of themselves. I glory in it.

Heehee, I agree. Being able to laugh at yourself is part of that self-confidence training. If I trip over my own two feet in the middle of a busy street...I'm going to get up, laugh hysterically about it and joke about it to passersby! Now they're laughing with you, and not at you, and everyone feels good. :)

I mean, I was a rarity--a Black person with albinism, nearly totally blind.

What the heck? When I was young I knew two kids like that and they were the life of the party...and I often felt like being them would be cool because they got such positive attention. 'Course, they were twins, so I imagine they at least had each other's support. :/

I feel so self-conscious every time I tell people that I am deaf...

I have to say, the internet is a blessing for all of us in anyway. Having the internet proves that our diversity makes us way interesting and yet all the same. You can't judge me by my looks, speech, or body language...only what I write and how I do my art. :)

[Chingwa]

Another thing to work on would be eye contact. When you're out in public, make eye contact with people. Dont stare, but just glance into another persons eyes. It shows that you notice them there and asserts your own existence. Then when you feel good about that, nod to people or greet them.This is a great technique to teach yourself about your own confidence level. to be able to look someone in the eye, without flinching is a major major thing for many people. If you do nothing else, I believe that making it a point to look people in the eye... when you're talking to someone... when you're walking down the street... when you buy something... will be the best beginning to building up confidence in yourself.

And when you're a shy person, and you teach yourself to look directly at someone, and see them flinch first... lol... feels good inside. feels like you can do more than you could 5 seconds earlier.

try it.

[Christian223]

I have been using EFT and TAT for some months and my shyness (among other un-healthy things) have been decreasing cosiderably, for example i was nervous even when i went to buy some bread, now im ok when i go. Try it a couple of times with a deep emotional trauma first so that you can see how effective it is in decreasing un-healthy emotions, some other things as behavious take a little longer to go away, read the manual if you can so you can see how it works:

www.emofree.com
http://theamt.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=12

[Sundance]

I've been shy all of my life (except on this forum) but a couple of years ago I saw Jay Mohr on a talk show where he talked about his Social Anxiety. It inspired me to go and talk to my Doctor about wether or not I might have something like Social Anxiety. It isn't the all encompasing Anxiety...it only happens in social situations. I can handle the pressure and stresses of 100 hour work weeks, multiple projects due on the same day, and being responsible for the livelyhood of a thirty person firm...but put me in front of a client for a design presentation and I sweat bullets.

My Doctor prescribed Lexapro and it was a major life changing experience. As much as I tried to change my "attitude", I was never able to get past the fear of rejection and failure. After about twelve months of taking the medication, I was able to stop. I still have some anxiety in social situations, but it has subsided enough that I no longer need to take medication.

I'd suggest that you at least talk to a Doctor about it. Anxiety can lead to Depression which can lead you down a path you don't come back from. Some will suggest it is just a fake "illness" or "condition" made up as an excuse for the weak, but I promise (from personal experience) that it is very real. The fact that I could take medication, improve my situaion, and then stop taking the medication; I feel proves it.

Alcohol works too :P but it doesn't work so good for presenting designs to clients.

[alesoun]

I was pretty outgoing in a quiet sort of way at primary school; enough friends, etc,. Then they decided that I was a bright kid, and I sat the old 11-plus exam and was shunted up to High School just before my 10th birthday.

It was an experiment that was quickly discontinued. I remember being treated as some kind of curiosity by the older kids in High School, and like some kind of freak by my friends who were still in Primary School. If that experiment was still running I would NEVER let my daughter take part in it.

I was really shy until I left school and went to college, and then work; even then, it took a while for me to realise that people who would be sarcastic to me before I even opened my mouth were the ones with the problem (not me).

The key to it was realising that "dying of embarrassment" is only a saying,- a red face won't kill you.

This just reminded me of what happened a few years ago in Edinburgh. I know it's not wise to smile at people you don't know in a biggish city, but an old guy was walking towards me who looked like a boss I once worked for (and liked). So I smiled.

He immediately snarled at me "What the ''***& do you think you're laughing at?"

Embarrassed, I dropped my gaze, and it was only then I noticed that he was towing an aspadistra behind him on a skateboard.....

[ArtZealot]

Wow, we should take everything from this thread and just write a book on what to do if you are shy.

[Mirana]

I noticed that he was towing an aspadistra behind him on a skateboard.....

A....what?

[Christian223]

A....what?

I think she ment an aspidistra:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aspidistra

[Ilaekae]

It's kind of a Welsh hoagie with sardines, porridge, 8 different cheeses, chicken, fried ham, lamb, apple sauce, chocolate and mayo, tied up and dipped in batter before it's deep-fried and coated with powdered sugar. They leave the sugar off for the lo-cal version.

[alesoun]

Christian's is the correct explanation,- but Illaekae's version sounds tastier.

[ALH]

Embarrassed, I dropped my gaze, and it was only then I noticed that he was towing an aspadistra behind him on a skateboard.....

Thats a quote for the back cover of an autobiography if i ever saw one

[Max Challie]

I've always found it weird when people make what seems like a fake smile upon eye contact. Perhaps it's just to try and create a nice atmosphere, but to me it's just obviously artificial. I don't see what's wrong with eye contact that goes without facial expression, and I often feel happy without smiling.
Not all people are this way, though, I can see when someone smiles genuinely, and I smile back. But the fake thing just creeps me out. Does anyone have an explanation for it?

More recently, there have been people who smile at me, but I can't help but look away from them, just because of my shyness. And, they take it personally. I'm guessing they're just very young and haven't yet realized that 90% of occurrences aren't personal. But when I think about making eye contact with someone and their response is to look away, it does feel pretty personal. And this shy response, in combination with taking small things personally, made me break my first love's heart.

I find I'm actually unable to stare into a person's eyes for longer than a few seconds, unless I've known them for a while, or I know them well.

But despite all this, I do kind of love my shyness. It makes me stay at home on weekends, sitting around on here cocooned in a warm blanket with a coffee the same colour as the background and cinnamon to match the scratchy stuff at the top left, and I get warm fuzzies inside.

[Molly]

Aw people - don't be shy!?! :)
Have confidence in yourself! (easier said than done eh?...:))

I'm extrovert-ish. I'll chat to anyone and have struck up conversations with complete strangers. Theres a theatre/cafe near my home that I go to, to work and use the free internet. I've been there so many times that I know the staff and other people who are regulars there.

As much as I like to be alone, theres part of me that just loves meeting new people, or socialising with friends. At college, the CA workshops EVERYONE was in the same boat as me. EVERYONE in my opinion, was equal. So therefore, striking up a conversation would be easy. At the workshops, gauranteed, everyone had a sketchbook. So there, in itself is a gateway to conversation. At college we were all studying the same thing, so there too is a gateway to conversation.
If a person doesnt react, I'll leave politely and bother someone else! hehe:)

One thing you could do in a situation that makes you shy, is to SEE the event in a different light; meeting new people or just making polite conversation shouldnt be as scarey as you think.

A party is a place of fun and to meet different people. Walk around the room, smile at people you dont know; make eye contact; stand tall; nod at folk when you pass them by, let a person pass down the hall before you; if a person has done you a li'l favour - say thanks or cheers mate! If you know a few people at a party, pass by them, say hi, ask how they are, then go get yourself a drink, politely excusing yourself. You dont have to have a looong conversation with them, just enough for them to acknowledge you and you them...

The one thing you can do, shy people, is when someone does talk to you, talk back! :)



Moo x

[Jason Rainville]

Molly I'm not sure why but that cheered me up quite a bit :) Maybe it's because like a lot of shy/anxious people, I have this retarded idea that extroverts are judgmental and thoroughly enjoy teasing other people at the slightest opportunity. IE douches. (Which is weird, since I was never really teased/bullied in highschool, except by some weiner who I set straight :))

Not that I thought that RATIONALLY, but just like being shy to begin with it is an irrational feeling. Your post kinda kicked my head and jolted some of the irrational interference out of it. :^^:

[Mon Chat]

This thread is pretty rad, I think scroobius pip put it best as

We want to be loved for who we appear to be, instead of who we are.
so I guess caring less about what people think is good...

I've just come home from a festival, and i find it so much easier to get chatting if i have a subject to get me started, no matter how inane it might sound...

[bhanu]

We want to be loved for who we appear to be, instead of who we are.

the thing is nobody is wat they appear..infact...most loud ...extrovert people just do that to hide most of their insecurities and fragile egos... maybe....I havent seen the world ...my opinion doesnt stand for much..

[Jazz]

I do love this thread. ^____^

Max, the fake smile thing I'd seen often way back. I don't know why people don't just be honest and make a creepy straight face with googly eyes. o_O

Mirana, where I'm from it was a rarity and apparently a shock. I guess the 80's in Nova Scotia weren't so forgiving. And hey, before I could get social, I was knocked down to my own reality. I would've loved to be the life of the party, but with how I grew up, I suppose it makes me appreciate that I could take it and live with my own reactions. Certainly makes me see that I can be weak AND strong...and outgoing. :)

[grenappels]

the thing is nobody is wat they appear..infact...most loud ...extrovert people just do that to hide most of their insecurities and fragile egos... maybe....I havent seen the world ...my opinion doesnt stand for much..

no i think you're right for the most part on this, but there are people who seem to just be natural extroverts, without underlying personality problems or anything. i can say that cause my dad is one of them; extrovert, but extremely realistic with himself, not trying to hide anything. then again, he is like 70, maybe he's just been practicing and he was actually shy and inconfident at some point

[Slash]

I have to second Ilaekae here, being able to enjoy making an ass of oneself is great to defuse shyness.

I also play this little game of eye jousting while i'm walking down the street. Its fun! and its also a great way to exercise your own confidence. Make eye contact with someone when they are within range, then see who breaks it first. if your score is better than 5 out of 10, thats pretty good! If you can do 10 in a row you can do 1 minute of conversation with a stranger at a bus stop. ;)

[Profil]

I used to have tremendous shyness, I still have to some degree but it's much much less now than it used to be.

Anyway, so I started looking into different techniques and found something called EFT. It stands for emotional freedom technique and while I'm not sure the theory behind why it works is accurate (they say that all negative emotions are disruptions in the energy system of the body and that tapping on the "meridian points", you stop the disruption), it does work. Some people think it just works as any other desensitizing technique etc, I have no idea.

Even if it sounds really weird (and it is weird), it has helped me so I just figured I would share it. Take it or leave it.

You can download a free manual here: http://www.emofree.com/

EDIT: You could also look into NLP. They also have ways of changing your beliefs, although I'm not so familiar with it yet.

[Jtho]

I'm sorry to say this if you truly believe EFT helped you, but that website is one of the most thinly veiled scams I've seen in a while. If it did anything at all to you then it was likely some kind of placebo effect.

Anxiety disorders are real medical conditions that can stop people from living productive lives and manifest physically as real panic attacks and heart palpitations. Trying to sell people magical spirit energy needle-less acupuncture based on ancient chinese secrets to solve their very real problems (at the low low price of $540 for all 9 of their training DVDs!) seems morally repugnant to me. But hey, it only costs $300 to become an EFT certified new-age shaman yourself and get listed on their website. What a deal!

[arttorney]

I think the people who talk about practicing are the group on the right track for improvement (outside of the medication track). I consider the "give yourself freedom to act like an ass" people to be a subgroup of the "just go out and practice" group. There's some fear that you need to get beyond, to be certain. Something that can help with the practicing is to keep a log book or journal. When you are having a bad day you will at least have a record of other more successful days you can look back through and remind yourself of how good it can feel (e.g. July 11, 2008- At the grocery store I needed one of those produce bags so I took one from the roll that was by the pretty woman who was getting a squash, instead of going somewhere else like I usually would. She smiled, and I felt really good, so I asked her how one cooks a squash, and she told me.) This can help you get back on the horse. You can relive that warm feeling you can get when everything was OK. It's like working out. It gets a little easier after you get yourself into a routine.

Be careful about "not giving a rats ass what people think about you." That can be a horrible curse when you are so withdrawn you won't communicate with people even though you could. I've had days where I'm not afraid of anybody, particularly, but I'm so deep in the corridors of my own little universe that I almost don't make any noise when I talk. You can miss out on an awful lot of opportunities that way. You need to meet people half way.

I know that Romance is right, that in some cases the shyness situation can rise to clinical levels where more direct treatment approaches can yield good results. If you feel so bad that you can't even do a job interview or you're too withdrawn to ask people to pay you for a freelance gig, for example, You never know but what the doctor might be able to help.

[Mirana]

Christian's is the correct explanation.

Yah, I got that (even with the typo) but I still don't get the big deal...?

Mirana, where I'm from it was a rarity and apparently a shock. I guess the 80's in Nova Scotia weren't so forgiving.

And I lived in 80/90s of the south. But then...we had a pretty diverse environment and I don't know what the makeup of Nova Scotia is. Kids (and Adults...) are pretty strange when they see something they haven't before. :/

[Trefle]

Hmm, except you impress people best when you love who you are. If you're doing something different to impress someone, it's not going to last long b/c it's not you. That's not a foundation for a long-term relationship (friend or otherwise).

And on the "fat and messy" thing... If someone calls you out on something, you have to be objective. Take a look at it. Do I LIKE my size? Do I LIKE my style? Then who gives a crap if THEY think I'm "fat and messy?" You need to own these things about yourself. If you find that YOU don't like your body type, then do something to change it because YOU want to (not that you'll be able to change something about yourself if you don't want to anyway). I've had many friends who were "large" or had fashion made up from the chariy store...who had complete self-confidence and who were flat out gorgeous--no issues getting relationships.
yeah, I agreed with you there. Faking being yourself isn't a good thing. I mean, if the foundation isn't true....We're just building your relationships on lies and people saw that lies as truth. We are expected to follow that lies. And that's...tiring, to say the least. But I've also seen people who's obviously loving themselves being described as "ignorant" or "narcissistic". I guess the key's moderation and objectively accepting people's critique of us, eh? I mean, not going so blindly loving themselves.

Or maybe this is two different things?

About the people's opinion..Well, yeah, objective's the best way to see those critiques. I may or may not agree with them. And yes, I believe that to change ourselves, we HAVE to want it. Or else it's just won't feel the same. but there are just some times when we just feel...clueless. This kind of situation is the most...annoying one for me, since well...I don't know anything about that aspect.

I have to say, the internet is a blessing for all of us in anyway. Having the internet proves that our diversity makes us way interesting and yet all the same. You can't judge me by my looks, speech, or body language...only what I write and how I do my art. :)
Seconded.
And talk about doing my art...ugh. Need to continue doing my art...*slaps self*

the thing is nobody is wat they appear..infact...most loud ...extrovert people just do that to hide most of their insecurities and fragile egos... maybe....I havent seen the world ...my opinion doesnt stand for much..
Hmm..Not exactly true for all person, IMO. Well, maybe some people do cover their insecurities and egos. But I think I've seen extrovert people who're really happy with what they are, just as how most of us are happy with who we are.

@Max & JazzW
about the fake smile thing, I guess the answer is etiquette. Or maybe they're just trying to be nice.. I mean, I do (or at least tried to do) it most of the time (with accompanying shyness, which when combined, probably makes me look like a blushing Japanese schoolgirl -O-) just for the sake of being polite and nice to strangers.

And otherwise..I think seeing someone staring at you with a blank expression is scarier than seeing them smiling, even if it's as real as a plastic can be. (For me, it may turns into paranoia, "OMG what is he thinking? Is he seeing something funny with me? Is he a serial killer trying to find his next target? Is he interested in me? WHat will happen OMG he looked at me again smile politely then RUN!)

@Molly
^^ It's nice to see an extrovert's view here.
For most of us, defeating our shyness is hard, however. Lots of things prevented us from not being..shy, especially to strangers and people whom we tried to impress...

[Farvus]

I used to be example of extreme shyness. I guess the worst was in primary school. Then with years I learned from small experiences and now it's not that bad. I'm still not comfident in some situations but it doesn't happen very often.
I guess what helped a bit was realising that I shouldn't treat myself too seriously. I'm can sometimes joke about myself or just admit some flaws and it never really turned out for bad when contacting with people. It quickly releases all the pressure.

[Profil]

I'm sorry to say this if you truly believe EFT helped you, but that website is one of the most thinly veiled scams I've seen in a while. If it did anything at all to you then it was likely some kind of placebo effect.

Anxiety disorders are real medical conditions that can stop people from living productive lives and manifest physically as real panic attacks and heart palpitations. Trying to sell people magical spirit energy needle-less acupuncture based on ancient chinese secrets to solve their very real problems (at the low low price of $540 for all 9 of their training DVDs!) seems morally repugnant to me. But hey, it only costs $300 to become an EFT certified new-age shaman yourself and get listed on their website. What a deal!

You are probably correct about the placebo effect. I read some studies where they had switched the tapping points and in one case, they even tapped on a doll in front of the person having the "treatment" and in both cases it had a positive effect, so yes indeed, you are probably correct. However, just because it is a placebo effect doesn't make the changes less real. I don't believe the theory behind it, but it still worked. I've tried affirmations etc and they've worked to some degree, but I still had the latent negative emotions left.

Besides, I haven't spent a dime on it, and even if the theory behind it is wrong, if it helps you to get over a big hindrance like shyness, why not try it?

[Christian223]

I'm sorry to say this if you truly believe EFT helped you, but that website is one of the most thinly veiled scams I've seen in a while. If it did anything at all to you then it was likely some kind of placebo effect.

Anxiety disorders are real medical conditions that can stop people from living productive lives and manifest physically as real panic attacks and heart palpitations. Trying to sell people magical spirit energy needle-less acupuncture based on ancient chinese secrets to solve their very real problems (at the low low price of $540 for all 9 of their training DVDs!) seems morally repugnant to me. But hey, it only costs $300 to become an EFT certified new-age shaman yourself and get listed on their website. What a deal!

I didnt need to buy anyting and still can use EFT with success, try investigating deeper and youll see that your are jumping to conclutions too quickly, try it on yourself, its quick, easy, and it cant hurt you.

[alesoun]

Mirana I got a little embarassed by a guy I was civil and pleasant to when he was rude. Then I noticed he was pulling a houseplant along on a skateboard. If he wants to take his houseplants out for a stroll, that's okay; but I suddenly felt silly for being embarassed by a man taking an aspidistra for a daily constitutional.....and I got the giggles and made things worse!

[Rusty]

I wouldn't go as far as shy i mean id tell you to go fuck yourself if someone pissed me off but I've always been the introverted type of dude. Not one to start conversations or keep em going for that matter, talk a lot one day and then ignore that same person for the next week or so,heh!

If your excruciatingly shy type, man, it really is a confidence thing, if your really good at something (art, writing, giving yourself a blowjob,etc...) then use that as a stepping stone. When i was a kid i was skinny, awkward, ugly little kunt and all the jocks let me know that every day,heh! but i could draw better than anyone ;) and that help me become the idiot i am today.

To be honest i prefer hanging around with the quiet type, just sit there grinning like fuck wits, taking an hour deciding what to do next, the uncomfortable silences, I'm weird like that but i find it strangely comforting , heh!

...Jase

[Sundance]

if your really good at something (art, writing, giving yourself a blowjob,etc...) then use that as a stepping stone.

So...how does that work?

Hi there! I can suck my own cock...wanna watch? :yum:

[Toxdel]

Haha, wow this thread has really picked up. I'm glad everyone had so much advice. I've been trying to put a lot of it to work as I get to know the people in my dorm building. My floor is having a party tonight, that's when I'll really get to be put to the test again.

- I have a feeling living in a dorm is really going to help I feel like I'm already getting better at communicating with strangers. I met my roommate for the first time a couple nights ago and we talked for several hours before calling it a day. I think this goes along with what others have said: If you force yourself into situations where your around new people you will get better at learning how to meet new people.

[alesoun]

So...how does that work?

Hi there! I can suck my own cock...wanna watch? :yum:


*peeps between fingers*

Nah!
I couldn't possibly have thought that....
Could I?

[Caffeine_stream]

Confidence
Fake It till you believe it
when you believe, it will become real.

[Flake]

I was a painfully shy kid until I hit college but at that point interaction is pretty much unavoidable..

Example-
I need a Stanley knife and I've forgotten mine, I can either walk 3 miles home to get it, walk a mile to the bank machine, get cash, buy a new one that I don't actually need from the college shop..
or
I can ask the dude at the next table if I can borrow his for 3 minutes..Now shy or not I've always been a practical/cheap sort of chap so I'd always go with that.
I have now met dude at next table

I'm at the bus stop, I have no idea which bus gets me to campus fastest, I can either guess, and possibly end up 10 miles in the wrong direction or ask the girl at the bus stop who I've seen around the second year studios.

Repeat that about 200 times and it gets rid of the awkward I found. You'll be hanging out with random weirdos before you know it.

[Slash]

The term is "Autofellatio".

[alesoun]

Thanks, Slash!

You know what? Very soon, the originator of this tread is going to get fed up and get engaged with other people. Our job here is done;except, somehow, I still got the giggles. Hey, am I perfect?

[armando]

Disagree with "don't worry what other people think of you".

If you can make the other person comfortable through clothing, and body language, or accessories(like a sketchbook!)then it will take less effort to get along with them.

Confidence is overrated.
I don't believe in confidence, but I believe in comfort through familiarity. People are most comfortable with familiar things.
To be comfortable in different situations you have to be familiar with them. Read books, watch movies, take classes. The more you know the more you'll have in common with other people. Isn't that why us art types have a little easier time socializing with each other than with random people we know nothing about? It's because we see ourselves in the other.

Familiar things take no effort, nothing new to learn, easy to get along with.

Have you noticed how people carry around familiar things, sort of like security blankets. They can be: music, pictures of family, a bible, clothing, phones.

People use habitual actions to feel a sense of security and control of their environment. This could be: always buying coffee at a certain time, always going to the same restaurant, smoking.

If you can make the other person see their self in you, you increase your appeal. If you make the person see their self in your artwork you increase it's appeal. They welcome it because it's already theirs.

[Pavel Sokov]

I dunno how to help man, I am obnoxiously not shy to the point that it's ridiculous, so I can't understand your struggle.

but I can suggest this..

every time i wanted to change something within myself. I just told myself that what i want to be true is true, and then changed my mind around to become what i want.

for example i wanted to never be upset at things, and now i havent been upset with anything since the start of summer.

maybe try telling yourself you aren't scared of anyone, and that you are as worthy and interesting person as everyone else around you? just convince yourself that your not shy basically.

[Mirana]

Disagree with "don't worry what other people think of you".

If you can make the other person comfortable through clothing, and body language, or accessories(like a sketchbook!)then it will take less effort to get along with them.

I'm sorry dude, but wtf kind of advice is that? Why would you put all this effort into making OTHER people comfortable before you took care of yourself? That makes absolutely no sense. If you do that all the time you feel drained and your emotional state is based solely on the ups and downs of OTHER PEOPLE. That's no sane way to live.

Confidence is overrated.
I don't believe in confidence, but I believe in comfort through familiarity.

Except that the familiarity in question can be a huge hinderence to someone doing things they want to do. Feeding that does nothing to help the situation.

To be comfortable in different situations you have to be familiar with them. Read books, watch movies, take classes. The more you know the more you'll have in common with other people.

I wouldn't go learn about sports that I hate just so I could possibly make conversation with the jocks. Why would I want to learn about things that don't interest me so I can make friends with people who I couldn't do things with? Everyone has interests they specialize in and thus can only talk about--that's fine! That means they discover friends with which they can talk to and go out with.

If you can make the other person see their self in you, you increase your appeal. If you make the person see their self in your artwork you increase it's appeal. They welcome it because it's already theirs.

I'm so confused by your advise. That's still living for other people and not yourself. Who would want to do that (for strangers, anyway)?

[bhanu]

I have to second Ilaekae here, being able to enjoy making an ass of oneself is great to defuse shyness.


it can turn bad for one too..especially if people already thing you are stupid types...used to happen to me ..people will think you even more pathetic...but if people respect and like you...then making fun of yerself is a great ice breaker of sorts...


Originally Posted by bhanu
the thing is nobody is wat they appear..infact...most loud ...extrovert people just do that to hide most of their insecurities and fragile egos... maybe....I havent seen the world ...my opinion doesnt stand for much..

Hmm..Not exactly true for all person, IMO. Well, maybe some people do cover their insecurities and egos. But I think I've seen extrovert people who're really happy with what they are, just as how most of us are happy with who we are.



WEll I completely forgot the point I was gonna make..the thing is that a lot of shy peple feel they are cheating themselves, not acting like themselves when they try to act introvert and sometimes even feel guilty in themselves...so whoever feels like that theres nothing wrong...cuz most loud people are just like you.... And yeah I bet there are many extroverts who are like Molly...who just enjoy being with people...I know some of them meself....

And

Sucking your own cock is "self felatio" I think..saw it at the sexinart.net site.... wierd shit looms there.... definitely NSFW

[Trefle]

@armando : as Mirana has explained, me too are quite confused with your advice. For me it looked like..a selfless person. A...type of doormat. Or more exactly, a mirror. Attempting to be familiar with all kinds of people? Wow, that would be so hard. And for some people it would be thought as being manipulative and not being honest with yourself.

Of course, by learning about various things we don't have to lose our sense of self. And, we may be seen as "thoughtful" and "knowledgeable" but...learning about things I didn't want isn't exactly the things I want to do. I mean, I'm not opposed to trying something new, maybe we'll find a new hobby and from that, a new friends. Maybe those new things were fun after all. But if I already tried it and I didn't like it...I guess I'll just surrender. The result wouldn't be as honest and as true compared to the things we've done because we like it.

And before we want to care about what people want to think...I think we should care about whether if we care about ourselves. If everything's fine for you, then we can start to think about anyone. But our belief should be held high enough in regards to others.

[Trefle]

@EDITED : Sorry for the not-so-accidental double post T_T

it can turn bad for one too..especially if people already thing you are stupid types...used to happen to me ..people will think you even more pathetic...but if people respect and like you...then making fun of yerself is a great ice breaker of sorts...

Well to me it depends. I mean, sometimes a self-depreciating humor with a little bit of sarcasm helps shut people off. Although maybe with a wrong reason. But yea, sometimes making fun of yourself helps, and it also trim down your ego most of the times by admitting.


WEll I completely forgot the point I was gonna make..the thing is that a lot of shy peple feel they are cheating themselves, not acting like themselves when they try to act introvert and sometimes even feel guilty in themselves...so whoever feels like that theres nothing wrong...cuz most loud people are just like you.... And yeah I bet there are many extroverts who are like Molly...who just enjoy being with people...I know some of them meself....
Yeah, there's really nothing wrong on being an extrovert or an introvert. Really, they have their own benefits and disadvantages. And sometimes people acting like they're cheerful and extroverted will look VERY different from the real deal. And so's the same with people acting like an introverted people.

I don't know though, but sometimes I have that hunch that this person were lying with himself by tring to be thoughtful / jumpy. But of course, that might've just been me and being foolish.

[armando]

I'm sorry dude, but wtf kind of advice is that? Why would you put all this effort into making OTHER people comfortable before you took care of yourself? That makes absolutely no sense. If you do that all the time you feel drained and your emotional state is based solely on the ups and downs of OTHER PEOPLE. That's no sane way to live.

Putting a little effort into one's appearance, and having manners is a basic show of respect. If people feel antagonized, or disrespected by your appearance they are going to treat you negatively. Put the other way if you feel antagonized by someone else, you treat them negatively, that's why people ignore bums.

Toxdel wrote:
"I've heard creative types tend to be introverts by nature and was wanting to confirm this."

I pointed out how creative types find it easier to socialize with each other, because they have an idea of what makes each other tick. All people are introverts when in a situation that's hostile enough, I doubt there are any extroverts in prison, introducing themselves and shit on the first day, lol.

Except that the familiarity in question can be a huge hinderence to someone doing things they want to do. Feeding that does nothing to help the situation.

I didn't mean: "Only do things that you are familiar with." I meant that they should get familiar with lots of different things. No one can know whether or not they like something without trying it, usually several times. By having lots of experience, it's easier to get along with lots of different people. I'm talking about decent people and not scumbag criminals noone wants anything to do with.

I wouldn't go learn about sports that I hate just so I could possibly make conversation with the jocks. Why would I want to learn about things that don't interest me so I can make friends with people who I couldn't do things with? Everyone has interests they specialize in and thus can only talk about--that's fine! That means they discover friends with which they can talk to and go out with.

Do you know if Toxdel hates sports? All guys like sports. I also take exception to the phrase "the jocks". My main piece of advice was "See yourself in others". By learning a little about other people, learning about their interests, they are no longer just some stereotypical group, but specific people who share a similarity with you.

Toxdel wrote:
"Its something I really need to get over if I ever want to meet someone.

He wants to socialize with people, specifically girls. All socializing requires give and take. I suppose it is possible to meet a few girls by "being yourself", but by making a few adjustments you increase your options, and opportunities. Everything in life works that way, almost all attempts in life result in some degree of failure, you have to be willing to fail and get hurt.

I'm so confused by your advise. That's still living for other people and not yourself. Who would want to do that (for strangers, anyway)?

If you can see yourself in the other person they're no longer strangers.

[Mirana]

Thanks for the clarification of what you meant.

Do you know if Toxdel hates sports? All guys like sports. I also take exception to the phrase "the jocks". My main piece of advice was "See yourself in others". By learning a little about other people, learning about their interests, they are no longer just some stereotypical group, but specific people who share a similarity with you.

Why does it matter if Toxel hates sports or not? It was just an example.

All guys do not like sports...my fiancee has zero interest in any sports at all. *I* like more than he does. And you speak about stereotypes being bad... :P

Why do you "take exeception" to the term "jocks?" I could say "Why would I learn about comics that I hate so I could talk to the nerds." Whoopie. Stereotypes exist because they are often perpetuated by the group. That's not to say everyone that loves sports is a jock, but I've met many who fit the stereotype 100%. We had nothing in common and nothing to talk about. I don't fit the "nerd" stereotype, but I've been friends with and seen a ridiculous amount of people who are exactly that stereotype. Hey, at least it's typically easy for people to find their friendlies by sight, right? :P

I suppose it is possible to meet a few girls by "being yourself", but by making a few adjustments you increase your options, and opportunities.

Eh, I don't necessarily disagree with this, but there are certain conditions. #1 You must WANT these "adjustments" that you make in order to become more outgoing, or attractive, or whatever. If you make these adjustments just on the premise that they're supposed to work, you'll fail b/c you'll be miserable. #2 You wouldn't want to date someone with which you had little to no common ground or it's going to be a constant struggle. You should be looking for a mate that has at least some of your interests and/or compliments your personality. Meaning...do not put on a front. If you can not be yourself (or pretty close to it) then you will be unhappy....and it's stupid to seek that out. ;)

[Slash]

Eh, I don't necessarily disagree with this, but there are certain conditions. #1 You must WANT these "adjustments" that you make in order to become more outgoing, or attractive, or whatever. If you make these adjustments just on the premise that they're supposed to work, you'll fail b/c you'll be miserable. #2 You wouldn't want to date someone with which you had little to no common ground or it's going to be a constant struggle. You should be looking for a mate that has at least some of your interests and/or compliments your personality. Meaning...do not put on a front. If you can not be yourself (or pretty close to it) then you will be unhappy....and it's stupid to seek that out. ;)

Some changes are good to make even if you don't "want" to, like stop eating with your mouth open, wear a clean shirt, shave, SHOWER, and things like that.
And yes, as far as dating goes, the above works WONDERS. ;)

[bitjockey]

I'm still working on getting over my shyness, but I think I've made definite progress this year.

I graduated university a year ago, which meant I had to look for a job. I've only gotten a few contracts so far, but this means I'm constantly job-interviewing. I'm forced to go up to complete strangers and tell them how great I am. When I think back to how terrified I was the first interview I got out of school, and the ones I'm going on these days, I see a big improvement.

I also took a few art classes at my local community college, and I forced myself to talk to the other students. It started with a simple "Hi, I'm Bitjockey. Have you ever painted before?" and before I know it I was showing up early each week to chat.

So, I suppose, when you boil it down, what's been working for me is forcing myself to take little steps outside my comfort zone and working my way from there.

[Blackhawk]

Don't know if it's been stated yet, but alcohol I've found has always been the universal cure for shyness.

[Mirana]

Some changes are good to make even if you don't "want" to, like stop eating with your mouth open, wear a clean shirt, shave, SHOWER, and things like that.
And yes, as far as dating goes, the above works WONDERS. ;)

LOL, well those are little changes that don't necessarily define you. You could say they are connected to something you WANT... :P

[Jazz]

O_O The conversations are cracking me up, but I like the talk!! I've actually avoided the debating types of conversations, because I was shy AND...confidence isn't overrated because I surely need more of that to become a better conversationalist...is that the word? And a better leader, even to friends.

Ohhhh, leadership is such a test for a shy person!! Me being someone who doesn't want to rock the boat too much (but gets explosive if I'm not careful), I wasn't a good leader this term, and I understand that I have to put my foot down more, even to friends, no matter what they do or say to me. My shyness doesn't have to become aggression, but more assertiveness. I fear that I haven't learned my lesson yet. -_-

Oh, and I just remembered how shy I used to be: I dropped 5 bucks on the floor, and a girl picked the bill up. And I said NOTHING because I didn't want to argue or make her frown or ANYTHING. O_O I never do that anymore. I'm tellin' ya, shyness can be such a bad thing if you let it run your life. ...I let it take potential candy right out of my hands. ;_;

I'm feeling less shy talking on here lately. Yay! ^_^

[Toxdel]

For the discussion on if I like sports or not... I'm actually not a big sports fan, but that has little to do with the intent of this thread :P

um, damn I had a longer post I wrote about my endeavors in becoming less shy, maybe when I have some time I'll update you guys on how I've tried to use the knowledge learned from this thread. I hope this becomes a good resource for anyone who is shy to overcome the problem of being shy. As far as art is concerned the less shy you are the better you are at networking...so yea it applies I guess.

- Here is a bit of advise I picked up on from my boss who has like a gazzilion friends. With new people you meet always try to act like you know the person. Treat them like you have been in contact with each other on a regular basis for several years. Go through the motions of meeting them of course but always treat them like a close friend when your doing so. It supposedly has a way of getting people to trust you right off the bat. Thats my/my boss's two cents for this thread. I'm currently trying to practice this theory.

[Trefle]

um, damn I had a longer post I wrote about my endeavors in becoming less shy, maybe when I have some time I'll update you guys on how I've tried to use the knowledge learned from this thread. I hope this becomes a good resource for anyone who is shy to overcome the problem of being shy. As far as art is concerned the less shy you are the better you are at networking...so yea it applies I guess.
yay! that's great :) I hope you (as well as I, or anyone else who's uncomfortable with their shyness) will overcome this problem :)


- Here is a bit of advise I picked up on from my boss who has like a gazzilion friends. With new people you meet always try to act like you know the person. Treat them like you have been in contact with each other on a regular basis for several years. Go through the motions of meeting them of course but always treat them like a close friend when your doing so. It supposedly has a way of getting people to trust you right off the bat. Thats my/my boss's two cents for this thread. I'm currently trying to practice this theory.
Call me crazy, paranoid, naive person...but I sense a "Get-everyone-to-like-you-instantly" trick here. Of course, it isn't wrong to utilize any of those tricks..but at times I just feel...deceived / being deceiving.
It's me though. Hopefully you're able to do it well! :)

[Slash]

LOL, well those are little changes that don't necessarily define you. You could say they are connected to something you WANT... :P

Well, they might not define you. But when you meet someone who's unclean and unshaven with mustard on their shirt, thats gonna ruin any other qualities you might have, since first impressions count for a lot.

[Mirana]

Call me crazy, paranoid, naive person...but I sense a "Get-everyone-to-like-you-instantly" trick here.

Nah, sounds more like a way to fool your brain and make yourself comfortable--as you would be around close friends, instead of stranger paranoia. :P I think the technique can work, but it takes a lot of practice and learning to keep your inner "ACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" quiet. ;)

[Trefle]

Nah, sounds more like a way to fool your brain and make yourself comfortable--as you would be around close friends, instead of stranger paranoia. :P I think the technique can work, but it takes a lot of practice and learning to keep your inner "ACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" quiet. ;)
Hmm, I think you're right. So, point of importance there.:D
Really, at times I soooo wishing my conscience didn't rise up to the surface and ...

poof.

Goodbye, confidence-with-a-little-bit-of-guilt. Hello, Righteous-hypocritical-ackward-silence.

[Coinpurse]

too much mind.....

....noooooooo mind!!!!!