The good joke thread

[Joshua Fountain]

Post anything in here you feel is particularly worthy!


THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either.

So in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again.

Then came: "Minds and Behinds."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again.

So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

[Rhynome]

These are two jokes that really need to be said to be funny. Written they just don't really work, but oh well:

A cowboy's riding through the West when suddenly he's surrounded by hundreds of natives. He thinks to himself, "Ah, shit, I'm fucked!" But then he hears a voice in his head, which says "No, you're not fucked, you see that man there, the one with all the feathers on his head? Yeah, he's the chief, shoot him." So the cowboy does just that, he pulls his pistol, point it at the chief BANG! The chief falls off his horse and slams into the ground, dead.
"Hah, now you're fucked!"



There's a town in Eastern Poland called Chełm. It used to have quite a sizeable Jewish population. The Wise People of Chełm, as their name suggests had a particular wisdom. The rabbi being the wisest of all.

One night a fire broke out in a barn on the edge of Chełm and try as they might the villagers couldn't extinguish this fire, which was steadily growing into a far more vigorous blaze. Yaakov, one of the most outspoken members of the community decided that he'd go and wake up the Rabbi so Yaakov and his good friend Moshe went to the Rabbi's house and knocked on the door until they stirred him from his sleep. The Rabbi staggered to the front door cursing them to the heavens; he threw open the door, looked them in the eyes and greeted them with, "Yaakov, Moshe, vat do you vant?!*" Moshe stepped forward and with a shout of 'Rebbe!' and great urgency in his voice explained about the barn on the edge of town and how the flames were growing steadily growing taller and hotter and how the entire ancient city of Chełm was at risk of burning to the ground and how try as they might to deal with the flames nothing had worked. Upon hearing this the rabbi prompted the three of them to rush to the barn as quickly as possible and upon reaching it the entire community turned to him. The rabbi looked back at them, "**I am a learned man and so I know things that you don't. I know that fire needs three things to survive, it needs heat, it needs fuel and most of all it needs what is in the air. So the obvious solution is that we must starve the fire of the air; we need to smother it! Go, get hay!" At his command the entire community went to get as much as they could and brought it to the fire. They then threw it on the fire and the flames died away. Then, a split second later they burst back out, a dozen times stronger than they were before, the roar from the fire was deafening. They all turned to the rabbi for advice, "I see the problem," he said, "it didn't work; what we need... is more hay!"


(*Yes, rabbis speak like vampires.)
(**Add the accent yourself; I'm lazy.)